It’s Stairibly Impolite

    Among the economy, civil liberties and the environment, one of the most pressing issues of our time is finding a place to sit. Where once it was a simple matter of “hanging out” wherever you pleased it has now become extremely difficult to sit down and chat in any of the traditional places. This is an affront to everyone everywhere who simply wants a place to relax.

    According to the Uncyclopedia, the ancient Romans, who having a similar problem of nowhere to sit, invented one of the world’s greatest sitting location: the stairs. With the many levels, and the simplicity in design, the stairs became the world’s greatest hang out spot. Romans could flock to these levelled seats and spend all their time lounging on the steps. But what was once a haven for those of us with weary feet has been overrun in today’s society. Some mob mentality has taken hold of people and convinced them that stairs are for walking on, as some bizarre way to reach different floors of a building. This is of course absurd, but a real issue all the same. I have spoken with countless innocent people who, after a long day, decided to take a seat in some stairway and were forced to move over slightly to allow people to pass. I myself have often been forced to stand aside temporarily to allow some hooligans to walk all over my seat. This is but one sign that our society is degraded almost to a point of savagery.

    So if the stairs are no longer open to us where can we go? Critics will say that there are plenty of options open to us but upon close inspection one will find that this is not the case. Other haunts for people of all ages and creeds have included doorways, narrow hallways and even, on occasion, escalators. However I cannot be the only one to notice the increase in the number of people who demand to be able to pass through doorways. It’s absurd! According to statistics from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, every day nearly seven billion people will pass through a doorway rather than hang out around it! Well that’s fine, critics say, go to the hallways. But there too people have this bizarre notion that they are entitled to walk through. Innocent, hard working people are far too often interrupted in their conversation as other people try and walk around or even right through them. Why even have hallways if you can’t stand in the middle of them for a few minutes without someone walking past. Pushed to our extreme we are forced to the escalators, but there too the majority of people demand access; apparently they think you should stand to the right and let them pass on the left. So when a critic claims that there are many places for people to sit or “hang around” it simply isn’t true.

    Even some critics will argue that there are chairs and benches available for sitting, or that a cafeteria is a better place for hanging out. First, neither I nor (I believe) anyone with any dignity would ever sit in one of those death traps; from falling off to splinters, they are far too dangerous. But secondly, with all other traditional sitting places overrun, how long will it be before people are walking all over our chairs, asking us to “please move” so they can step on the seat and hop from chair to chair?

    This cannot and will not stand; it’s time for people everywhere to say NO! We have the right to block and obstruct anyone we please just so we can chat it up with friends. We have the right to be obnoxious and oblivious to other people’s space. Don’t talk to me about being polite or considerate. Don’t mention how we should hang around cafeterias instead of doorways. This is the way things are and so they should remain that way.

    I propose that the ridiculous people described above be more aware of their surroundings for the good of everyone. That it become clear to all what stairs and hallways and chairs were designed for and not mix them up. It’s really a matter of social etiquette that people today don’t observe properly. I just hope that the people described above change their ways for everyone’s benefit.