Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies

The dwarf barbarian gave a bloodthirsty smirk, enjoying the coppery smell of blood. He beat his twin axes together as he eyed the two goblins ahead of him. The goblins cowered at the sight of him, covered in the blood of their fellows. Just as one the unlucky pair took a step back, the barbarian launched himself forward, grinning madly all the while.

The first swing took off the rightmost goblin’s head. The other brought up his shield just in time to stop the blow. Without missing a beat, the dwarf lashed out with both axes. The blow slammed into the upraised shield, knocking the goblin over. As he tumbled, the dwarf followed, swinging his left-hand axes over his head. The last thing the goblin saw was the axe’s edge coming down between his eyes.

The dwarf ripped the axe out of the goblin’s head and turned quickly, seeking more enemies.

“Hold, Master Dwarf!” The dwarf noticed the elf bard, her arms in a placating gesture. The dwarf looked at quizzically, before noticing his axes were raised. He lowered them slowly, looking sheepish. The bard smiled and relaxed.

“‘Tis well,” she said. “All the goblins lie dead on yonder field.”

“Look, you really don’t have to talk like that,” said the human paladin as he approached his companions. The bard looked puzzled at the paladin’s remark.

“How do you mean?” The paladin sighed and answered,

“I mean you don’t have to speak so stiltedly. It’s just a game.” At that, the bard narrowed her eyes at the paladin and drew .

“What manner of speech is this?” she demanded angrily. “Canst thou not think how I… uh- Wait a minute.” The bard looked thoughtful for a moment.

“Do you actually know how to use ‘canst’ in a sentence?” asked the paladin.

“Of course! Thinkest thou that I-”

“Wait, wait, wait!” interrupted a very irritated-sounding voice from the sky.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

The blonde man glared at the others sitting around the table. He turned his gaze on the bespectacled girl to his left.

“You’re seriously planning to talk like that throughout the whole campaign?” Really? Really, Mandy, really?”

“I’m just trying to help worldbuild,” said the girl defensively as she tapped her forefingers together sheepishly.

“By talking like a bad cliché?” said the blonde man snidely.

“I thought it sounded like actual fantasy talk…” said Mandy, trailing off. By now, she seemed interested in her shoes, the better to hide her face from the others.

“Fantasy isn’t supposed to sound like you barfing up words from a Shakespeare dictionary!” answered the blonde man.

“Okay, Denny, we get it,” said the tall brunet sitting across from the blonde man, holding his hands up placatingly “So, how about we just start dividing loot?”

“Theo, I want to throttle someone really badly right now,” said Denny, massaging his temples.

“Okey-doke, lootin’ time!” said the deceptively young-looking black-haired man.

“No, you don’t get to talk,” said Denny, pointing a finger at him. “If you min-max and make a mute character just to get more combat bonuses, you forfeit your right to speak in character.”

“Min-maxing is a perfectly valid tactic,” grumbled the dark-haired man as he unwrapped a chocolate bar. He added the wrapper to an already large pile of trash next to his dice. “Anyway, I call dibs on magic warhammers!”

“There are no magic items here!” complained Denny. “They’re a bunch of goblins you killed in a random encounter! How the hell are they going to get any good gear!”

“You didn’t complain when we looted gold off the wolves last weekend,” said the youngish looking man with a big smirk on his face.

“Oh, my mistake,” said Denny in a deadpan tone, “How silly of me to try and inject some sense into tabletop RPG’s. Thank you so much, Rick. What would I do without you?”

“Denny? How about the loot?” said Mandy. Denny gave a tired sigh and picked up an old, battered-looking notebook.

“Anyway, the goblins had… 35 gold and 10 silver, a dozen arrows, a bedroll, some meat, and… an Amulet of +5 Strength. Goddamnit.”

“Dibs!” cried Mandy as she raised her hand.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

Several ingame hours (equating about five realworld minutes spent keeping Denny from throwing dictionaries at people) spent wandering later, the party stopped next to a small stream to set up camp. The three companions set down their packs, ready to unpack their gear and set up the tents. Theo looked around, ready to make conversation as he usually did. He noticed Rick and quickly realized the inherent problems in talking to a mute PC. Dismissing that idea, he turned instead to Mandy. Theo took a step, before realizing he really didn’t want to have to start a faux-Shakespearian conversation. He looked up at the sky questioningly.

“Look, if it’s in-character to want to socialize and I can’t talk to my party, I can just talk to myself, right?”

“I just don’t care anymore,” Denny’s voice echoed like a thunderclap, “Go talk to a stump if you want.”

“Mayhap I could perhaps tell an epic?” said Mandy.

“No, no, no!” yelled Denny’s echoing, omnipotent being-esque voice, “No singing! You do not roleplay your singing!”

“I’m not that bad!” protested Mandy.

“Hey, hey guys,” said Rick.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

“Rick, you’re supposed to be mute, what do you want?” growled Denny.

“What if a dragon swept out of the sky and we had a random encounter?” Denny looked thoughtful for a moment.

“You know that sounds like a great idea.”

“Really?” said Rick warily.

“Yeah, that’s a great idea,” answered Denny, with all the faux sincerity a consistently sarcastic person could muster “I think there’s a trope for that or something. I think it’s called ‘Pulling an idea out of thin air!’ Seriously, what possible justification could there be for having a random encounter with a dragon?”

“He’s right, Rick,” said Theo, “We can’t just have a dragon appear out of nowhere.”

“No, guys, guys, listen to me,” said Rick, sounding just like a used car salesman, “I’m not doing this just for the loot.” Denny rolled his eyes.

“No, really,” persisted Rick, “Look at it this way, if we did kill a dragon, we could use that to boost our reputation, right? Mandy could make an epic poem or something, that’s in-character. See, c’mon guys, think of the benefits here.”

“Rick, if we fight the dragon, we’ll probably just die,” retorted Mandy. At that, Denny’s eyes lit up.

“Hey, now you mention it, this might be a good idea after all,” Denny picked up his notebook and began scribbling notes.

“Denny!” cried Mandy and Theo in unison.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

The orc warchief looked down at the party and chuckled.

“Is this it?” he bellowed. “Three little snots here to kill me?” The orc gave a loud guffaw, leaning back on his throne as he laughed.

“Don’t listen to him,” said Theo, readying his sword in a guard position. “He’s all talk. We just cut through all his bodyguards.”

“Verily indeed!” cried Mandy. “We shall cut down this villain and make it a tale worthy of all the great bards!” Rick hefted his axe and gave the orc a long look. He glanced down at his axe and shrugged. Without warning, he reared his are back and threw his axe. The axe spun through the air, a silver disk as it flew. The buried itself to the haft in the warchief’s skull, his last laugh suddenly interrupted. Rick nonchalantly walked up the warchief and yanked his axe free. Meanwhile, the rest of the party gaped in disbelieving surprise.

“Wow,” said Theo, “Look, guys, when I said he was all talk, I didn’t really mean it that way.”

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

Rick grinned at his friends, looking quite pleased with himself.

“Rick, what did you do?” said Denny, still not believing what just happened.

“Yeah, I thought having a real fight would take way too long,” answered Rick.

“You just threw an axe at the orc warchief’s head,” continued Denny, “Now he’s dead. Just like that. The final boss for the weekend… is dead in five seconds.”

“Yeah, got that over with,” said Rick. “So how about that fight with the Lovecraft monster we talked about?” Denny slumped back in his chair, too stunned to even keep frowning, like he always did.

“Okay, that’s it,” he said dispassionately, “Rocks fall, everyone dies.”

“Wait, how can we have rocks fall on our heads?” said Theo, “We’re next to a forest. As in, under the sky.”

“Rocks fall! Everyone dies!” yelled Denny, his eye now twitching.

“Denny! That’s no way to end the story!” complained Mandy.

“Don’t care anymore,” said Denny as he pushed his chair back. “Pick something else next weekend, like Call of Cthulhu.”

“Can we have Cthulhu as an end boss?” said Rick hopefully.

“Shut up!” yelled Denny over his shoulder.