Got a Light?

From my Weblog: http://icymarch.blogspot.com/?/2001_04_01_icymarch_archive.html

Got a Light?

Nicotine has got to be one of the most addictive drugs known to man. I quit smoking about 13 years ago, but there are still times I think about how good it would be to have "just one" cigarette: like when I'm stressed...or after a meal... or with my morning coffee... Just one cigarette? Please?, but I know better...

The first time I quit I went almost a whole year without a cigarette. I had only been smoking regulary for 3 or 4 years at the time. I started back up while on a road trip with a friend, something to do while I was sitting in the car watching the miles go by. "Let me have a cigarette, ok?" ...another hour down the road: " Let me have just one more. " Half a pack later my buddy said "Hey, if you're gonna smoke, buy your own!" So I did, at the next truck stop. "Just one pack, that's it." I said to myself. Then, after a couple more packs: "I'll quit again right after this vacation." By then I was doomed, it took me over 10 years before I quit again.

When I quit I had a horrible cold, should have gone to the doctor for what was probably bronchitis or walking pneumonia, but I hate going to the doctor's. I was driving to work, just lit up my first smoke of the day. I started coughing so bad I had to pull over to the side of the road. I spit into a kleenex and there were flecks of blood, which kinda scared me. "This is stupid! Why am I doing smoking these things, I can hardly breathe! I quit!" and I threw away the rest of the pack.

But a few days later I started feeling better. "Maybe if I just limited myself to a couple cigarettes a day." I thought. But I stopped myself from buying that pack, I knew it would never work. After a few weeks, the idea of never being able to have another cigarette for the rest of my life was starting to gnaw at me. To keep from giving in I made a bargain with myself: I figured I had smoked regularly for about 15 years, so I had to quit for 15 years to undo the damage. "If at the end of that time I still want to smoke, I can start again." At the time I figured that if I managed to quit for 15 years, I would no longer have any desire to smoke. It would be ridiculous to even think of smoking again. Yeah, right.

I still smoke in my dreams, usually if I have stressful things going on in my real life. (Work has been pretty rough lately.)The other night I dreamed I was at a business dinner in an upscale hotel. After the meal I stepped out onto the balcony with a few associates to have a smoke. I lit up a Marlboro Light 100, I had two left in the pack. (It's funny that I usually smoke brands of cigarettes in my dreams that I did not prefer in real life when I smoked, maybe it means something?)

I've got about two years of the fifteen left to go on that bargain I made with myself. I seriously doubt I will start smoking then, but I do know this: If I were to contract an incurable illness and be told that I would soon die, one of the first things I'd do would be to stop and buy a pack of cigarettes on the way back from the doctor's office. I'd probably go for something hard-core, like Camel non-filters. I can almost taste the shreds of tobacco on my tongue just thinking about it. The nicotine demon is still pretty strong, even after all these years.

posted by cy at 3:49 PM 4/13/01