Tearing the heart

Buttoning up her silk blouse, Tamsin looked at the screen. Being a single mother she did not get out much and had joined a casual gaming site a few months back. While she had met many new people one stood out to her in particular. John was just a friend, but for some reason they clicked from the get go. She found herself flicking through the list of people connected as she began pulling up her trousers, hoping he would also be on before he went to work. As she saw his name appear, Tamsin bit her bottom lip, bringing a slight redness to their otherwise full pink colour. Her fingers went to the keyboard and she started typing.



Tamsin looked at her partner. She had not been happy with him for some time. His behaviour towards her had become controlling and possessive. Many had pointed out that he was becoming domestically violent and eventually he would actually strike her. She knew part of her was blind to this for several reasons. Having been in abusive relationships prior, even having been sexually assaulted, her threshold of what she called abuse was quite different. Also he was a good father and never behaved like this in front of her son who he had taken on as his own.

She had tried to leave, but Patrick had her over a barrel financially. Her emotional turmoil only served to weaken her resolve and day after day she remained in her situation, hoping she could just simply tolerate it. Tamsin relied on her friends for support and they tried as much as they could, but her trust issues from previous relationships combined with consistently being hurt by others caused impediments. As a result nobody knew the full extent of what was occurring behind her closed doors either to her or within her. She could not let on that things were worse than her game face and had to stay strong. Her only solace was talking to John. Not living in the same country as her and the fact they would never meet meant she felt more comfortable telling him and crying on his shoulder. He would not know her if he saw her and the shame at him knowing her secrets would never enter her mind.

Sighing to herself, she could not believe they had now been friends for two years. Time had flown and so had their lives. He often talked of his partner and issues they were having, including her wanting children and a marriage that he was not ready for. While she weighed him down with her issues, he never once complained and was always there for her when she needed to unburden and vent. They had talked daily for so long and it was hard to believe he was not bored with her repetitive issues. While he felt his concerns were mundane, it still lifted her to be discussing situations that were normal as she helped him through his doubts.

Patrick finished getting ready for his night out with friends. He thought she would be upset he was going as most partners do not like their other halves ‘drinking with the boys’. She encouraged him to go and never once uttered that she would be glad to have a night without him. As the door closed, she reached for the vodka and began pouring. Tonight was a night she would do what she wanted without recrimination for her actions.
Part way into her third drink John logged on. His partner had gone out for the evening and he was bored. When she woke the next morning she could not remember half of what had occurred but suspected she said some things she should not have. Still, John being the friend he was laughed it off and while confirming she was sexually suggestive also knew it was because of the alcohol. Smiling to herself she knew this man knew her better than others even with the ocean between.


Blergh, I do not want to go Tamsin thought. This weekend was going to be hell. She and Patrick were going away to visit her family. Not only would he behave like an ass, making her want to apologise for his actions constantly due to embarrassment, but he would consistently berate her for every little thing that was not according to plan. While she managed to endure this on a daily basis, it was because she had others to talk to. But in this case she would be subjected to it for days without reprieve.

Packing her mobile, she knew she had John’s number if she really needed to talk to someone. His relationship had become more turbulent and they had begun emailing during the day as he was not logging on at night. This weekend he was also going away with his partner, their attempt to rekindle and have time away from the stress of daily life. They had even been speaking on the phone occasionally, the notion of hearing his voice causing nerves she could not attribute to anything other than he knew of her vulnerability.

The weekend passed exactly as expected. In fact Patrick had demanded that they leave early because of his annoyance that life was not the way he wanted. That her behaviour was not the Martha Stewart he so wanted to own. On the way back in the car, she sat in silence. He moved his hand onto hers, which she knew was the signal for what he wanted to do upon their return to home. Her insides shuddered at the thought. Despite being so sexual when they began dating, he had somehow turned the act into something she feared and abhorred, yet still participated in because it removed his negativity for a period. Sitting there, his hand feeling clammy against her skin, the mobile alerted her to the fact she had received a text. Tamsin pulled her hand away to check the phone, glad for the excuse to disengage contact. Her stomach dropped as she read the message, John was single.


A few months had passed since John had become single. The nerves whenever she spoke with him continued. Tamsin refused to think on why this was happening; scared she already knew the answer. She had acknowledged to herself and to John that she had an attraction to him which had grown over time, but this was as far as she would examine the issue. Not only was she in a situation she could not leave, but he was in another country.

Again she was packing bags for a trip with Patrick. Déjà vu fell over her as she considered not what this holiday would bring for her, but that she would not be able to speak with John in this time. Entering the car, Patrick began commenting on the fun they would have as it was just the two of them in a luxury hotel for four days. Tamsin smiled, the kind of mouth movements that are done for the sake of those watching instead of an internal joy.

The first night passed without real incident. It was the next day which changed everything for her. Patrick asked her to marry him in an off the cuff ‘we should get hitched’ proposal. She declined and Patrick took the refusal in good stead as he knew Tamsin was not one for commitment. Yet her heart told her it was not the commitment phobic side of her which said no, or even how Patrick had behaved. Going for a walk, she decided to make an overseas call.

The phone rang and it went to message bank as she knew it would given John was working.

“Um, hi. I’m glad this has gone to message bank as I think I would chicken out if I was talking to you directly. Things have happened here which mean I can’t simply ignore it any longer. I love you.”

Hanging up she realised her hands were shaking. Her self-doubt made her paranoid, thinking that once he heard the message he would not want to talk with her anymore. Their distance meant she could not act on the feelings anyway and being the good friend he was he would seek to protect her from further hurt and pain and would put an end to the friendship.

Sitting there with Patrick and friends after finishing lunch, her mind kept going back to her phone and waiting for the text that her call was a mistake. When it beeped, she checked the message, a pit forming in her stomach as she waited for the words to display on the screen. An involuntary gasp emitted from her throat as she read “I love you too, I’m moving to you.”


As John’s preparations for moving took shape, Tamsin tried to end things with Patrick several times. Each and every attempt failed, with Patrick making threats of various emotional and even physical harms. He began controlling her every movement, who she saw outside of work, money she spent. The more she wanted to pull away from him the tighter his grip became on her existence.

When the date of John’s arrival into the country was known, she questioned how on earth she would be able to meet him given she could not leave the house without providing a schedule to her partner. In a twist of fate, divine intervention or whatever higher purpose was present, work decided she needed to attend training for a week not only in the same city of his arrival, but also starting on the same date. They were even putting her up in the same hotel.

John knew she had tried to leave Patrick, but failed, and was still willing to meet up with her, continue the friendship in person and determine how they would handle the situation which had arisen between them.


Waiting for him outside of the hotel, Tamsin began pacing. Her attempts to look calm were failing miserably and knots in her stomach began to make her feel nauseous. Her fingers went to her mouth and she reminded herself she no longer bit her nails. A million thoughts were racing in her head, but primarily they came back to the concept of him not finding her attractive in person. She thought to herself how stupid that was given he knew what she looked like, but the anxiety continued to plague her with doubts about in person sparks and all the other things that may make him no longer want to pursue her. She spotted John coming out to meet her. She felt fire through her being when she saw him and hoped he felt it too.

Food had been consumed and they had returned to the hotel, taking the opportunity to watch some movies in the comfort of the room. By this time Tamsin knew John was not interested. She had given him so many signals it was not funny, even blatant ones like touching his leg and ‘accidentally’ showing parts of undergarments. Still he failed to respond. While disappointed, she somehow knew this would happen.

The next night they got take out and watched movies again, generally talking. Still he made no moves despite her non-verbal invitations. When she returned to her room, she texted him telling him that she wanted sleep beside him. He told her to come back she crawled into his bed. Sleeping next to each other would have been fantastic, except the adrenalin and attraction to him was preventing slumber. She realised he was still awake and held his hand. Then, making the move she never thought she would, she slid it under her top and onto her breast. John fondled the pale skin and kissed her more passionately then she had ever experienced. That night they made love for hours and the connection between them was something she never wanted to end. As the sun rose, she knew it had to end with Patrick, she had finally found her soul mate.


Patrick moved into the spare room, it was unfeasible for them to sell the house and it meant her son could continue his relationship with the only man that had been a father to him. John was feeling overwhelmed by the fact Patrick was still in contact and begun to cling to her. While this was draining, she still knew it would pass with time and that he was the one. Despite all her previous issues with trust, commitment and children which had haunted her previous relationships, these were not a concern as she wanted all of this with him.

Sitting in the waiting room for her doctor, she thought about what to get for John’s birthday which was next week. The present was at home, but she wanted to get him something more, an ‘experience’ with her of sorts. Hoping this virus would be out of the road by then plans began to form.

Tamsin waited for the results of the tests which had been run a few days before. She needed to know how long it would be until she was better so she could finalise the birthday surprise.

“You are pregnant.”

“But I’m still menstruating” she retorted.

“You are pregnant, about six weeks. But it is not just morning sickness you are having. The initial indications are that this pregnancy will be problematic.” The doctor leant forward and took her hand as she continued to stare blankly in shock.

“You will have to see me weekly instead of monthly. We will need to link you in with the ante-natal unit as soon as possible. There is a good chance that you will miscarry and to avoid this you will need to be on consistent bed rest, maybe even hospitalised further on.”

“I’m a single mother, I can’t do that, I can’t quit work or have unpaid sick leave.” The realisation began setting in for her and her voice became frantic in tone.

“I also need to tell you that despite all the precautions I can suggest, given your medical history and the problems to date with the pregnancy, there is still a good chance that no matter what you do the pregnancy will terminate itself irrespective.” While his words sounded clinical, she had never heard more caring in this man’s voice. He was genuinely concerned for her welfare and state of mind.

“I have certain personal beliefs. But I’m sitting here as your doctor and given the potential risks and outcomes of the pregnancy; you need to be made aware that you have the option of terminating the pregnancy. But for now, I want you to have a scan done so we can confirm a few things and know what steps to take.” Scribbling down some clinic details to discuss further family planning with and also passing her the referral for the scan, he led Tamsin out of the office, holding her arm for comfort as she went.

Still in shock, Tamsin sat at home and wished she had not quit smoking a few years before. Trying to process the information, there were questions in her head she did not know how to answer. While she knew part of her should tell John, he would simply want to do the right thing. He would want to support her, help with her son and everything else a potential father wanted to do. But currently he was not emotionally stable and the stress of making those sacrifices for her given his fragility was something she thought would make him break. Then there were the health issues. While her life was not in danger if she continued with the pregnancy, it would impact on her ability to care for her own child. Then she could take all the steps in the world and simply lose the baby anyway. Trying to sleep while drowning in thoughts and questions, she resolved to wait until the initial scan was done and then take it all to John.

Her health was much worse the next week. Tamsin could barely get out of bed. She missed John’s birthday, which hurt him, but he knew she was sick. While part of her wanted to placate his concern for her illness by divulging her state, she remained tight lipped.


Looking at the monitor, the foetus was not moving. Her thoughts about whether it was a still shot were dismissed when the radiographer compassionately informed her that the baby had died.

Crying at home, Tamsin wanted to run to John for comfort. But past habits of protecting those she loved to her own detriment came forth and she told herself that if he knew it would break him emotionally. Issues were forming due to his needs and clinging and this would only make it worse. It was not the first miscarriage she had experienced, and she told herself she would be able to get through this on her own.

Yet in the next few weeks, her grief became inconsolable. Enough time had passed that while she knew she should really tell John why she was like this, he would be angry at her for not saying something sooner. The fear of what it would do to them prevented her from opening her mouth, but this in turn opened the gates to a depression which began a nervous break down. Knowing John would try to support her when he himself did not have the strength; she became concerned she would ultimately hurt him beyond the point of return. Despite her feelings for him she knew she had to set him free in order to heal herself without wounding the man she loved so dearly.

She never thought she would hear herself say it or that she would ever directly lie to him, but the words came out “I love you John, just not in that way anymore.”