The Doomlord

My granddads house always needs some work done to it. Dig a hole here, build a fence there or mow the lawn (the lawn gets mowed more often than any other lawn on his street) “even if it doesn’t need it, do it” he says. I don’t mind helping him out, I don’t have a job and I live in a small town. Going around to granddads at least once a week gives me some sort of routine.





Imagine “that guy” who is the best in the world at computer games, the type of games that have evil names like “warcraft” or “doomlord”. He spends ninety three per cent of his time battling monsters online, five per cent smoking cigarettes and the other two thinking of a way to become instantly rich so he can keep playing computer games, but maybe with a faster internet connection and a more expensive brand of cigarettes. ”That guy” is my uncle, Greg, we are not friends. Granddad somehow adds a few more “per cent to Greg’s busy lifestyle and has him come over and do work around his house on days that I am not there.



You know those fake wrestling/ fighting programs on TV that are normally called something like “WWF smash/slash/showdown 2000”? they normally start by one guy hopping into the ring and as soon as his opponent arrives they just start fighting, not caring that the reff is trying to break it up and being very overdramatic? Well that is what it is like when Greg and I cross paths.

Aquadeck decking oil for outdoor furniture and fences. “This is a bit darker than the last one we used so I need you to re-do the fence today”. Granddads fence is one of those fences that somehow doesn’t create shade, I checked both sides many times and not once was there any sign of an oasis of shade, the ground below the fence was mostly garden that I had to be very careful in God forbid if I was to ruin any of the neat lines of frangipanis. Basically I was hot, bothered and uncomfortable (why did I think granddad would think my new jeans would look cool? He wears what I would wear to a wedding, everyday).

Borderline personality disorder. It’s a mental disorder but I won’t go into that too much but I will say that someone who has “BPD” is prone to being impulsive.

I saw Greg driving his car up to the driveway, I watched him get out of his car and just look at me with that “I fucking hate you” kind of look then BAM! The impulsive side of me showed its face. I am not a good aim, I have had plenty of chances to throw the perfect water bomb and missed horribly but I guess when I mean it my aim works fine (or it could be that it’s almost impossible to miss someone when they are standing right in front of you).



I picked up the four litre bucket of “decking oil for outdoor furniture and fences” and gently threw its contents towards Greg. A sniper couldn’t have made a more direct hit, four litres of decking oil to the face is what Greg was greeted with, It ran down his body and he soon looked like he had been dipped in dark brown oil, it was amazing, almost art, I was so impressed with my act that I didn’t even think about his retaliation.

When his oily fist hit my jaw it slipped off without inflicting to much pain, when he grabbed hold of me I could slide out easily, but unlucky for me Greg is a pretty big guy and he managed to get me to the ground, we wrestled but he was triumphant, finally getting in a direct punch to the forehead, fuck it hurt. I didn’t know why granddad took so long to break it up but when I asked him a few days later he said “because you stained my bloody driveway”.



He was correct. There was a big stain on the driveway; I tried very hard to wash it off. Thinners, turps even petrol, nothing would even try and look like it was working. Greg left after an unsuccessful shower. I watched him leave he looked like one of those old retired guys who spend all their time sun tanning at the beach, oily, dark brown and only wearing underpants. I got some of the oil on my arms and chest during the fight and it stayed there for at least two weeks before it started to fade and I would scrub very hard every night in the shower. I haven’t seen Greg since this incident, I don’t think anyone has but he had a lot more oil on a lot more of his body I can only imagine that he still looks like a block of walking chocolate.