Pure, Spewed Thoughts

I am sooo bored and not tired and not in the mood to read so I am going to try to write something down. I don't know exactly how to translate all of my thoughts and the images and the ideas I have rolling in my head so this will probably be a weird, disorganized type of thing, don't read it if you don't like it.
I am Amanda, John is here he left hes leaving he wants to do something I don't know if I'm ready for, help I'm drowning I don't know what to do what if he finds out the stuff I said was a lie what if he cheats, he seemed to come close, they care but the seem to want me jealous I don't know what to say, I lied but I didn't I couldn't formulate a reaction fast enough so I lied I don't know how to sugar coat things and make bad ideas or feelings seem neutral or good, I can't seem to catch up to society and it is dragging me I don't see the point in all the end but the end is all the point I don't understand that it just came out help I can't get it all down I need to read I need to run I need to get in shape I need to eat healthy I need to lose weight I need to clear my skin or I will scar and I need to be pretty, the end of I need is in my adult's hands, my parents, my doctors my cultural conscience I don't want to I can't understand it's almost like pain but it never quite gets to the hurtful part make it stop im cold I can'‘t stop it it won't go away I don't' know what it is but I seem to fear it I am alone among so many, I won't see them I will lose them they are my life lines and I am gonna leave them I am going to go to a place where I am behind and I am stressed and challenged I know like five other people and they will be different I love my life why will it change I made the wrong choice I am moving why cant I change my mind I need to run to hide to keep my friends they will leave and go with each other john will stay with them and I will lose him he will give in to temptation and I will lose the part that is him love isn't there but I wish it was I want that feeling and I cant make it go away I don't have it I never found it I've never known it but I yearn for it I wish with a soul that hasn't been discovered and I lose it all in the never ending abyss of myself I cant stop I thought it was gibberish but I am simply moving too fast for my fingers help me I am drowning in my own blood its all around me I cant' get away my gene pool my parents my brother my cats they are all around me and I can't get out I am there always somewhere why cant I leave I am here it won't stop I cant stop the end it is the part of me that wants the beginning and I can't understand how I am supposed to end with a begging that I never saw or heard or felt or consciously wished for I don't get it I don't understand it hurts my heart I can't breathe I am cursed I wronged you and you and him and her and everyone should hate me I have done so much to hurt or endanger them why are they sooo blind to my problems I wont give in I can't give up I want to I don't' get it it wont stop I don't know how to surrender wait what am I surrendering to I don't' see it I can't help being wrong I don't know how to play the game it wont go away love hate laugh lie its almost all the same thing, I don't know how but that's what it is run away don't let yourself understand you know its true you see the light but it's not the right color it glows with good and you know it's where your supposed to go but that's too soon I have too much to do and it's summer I'm supposed to be lazy and happy and carefree until the school and then I am supposed to excel and do amazing things so that in four years I can do something that will lead the way to a good life and good money and a happy girl I cant do this it doesn't work what if I ran away maybe then I could just find an escape, I don't' want drugs I wont be that weak I could try them but then I would be like the other group, addicted not able to control one more aspect of my life I need to get a handle on it all but it's too high and it burns me to try I can't do it I cant I cant I cant I don't get the object of the journey that's like too far, live life bye the moment I try but I can't im in shackles and I don't know when or where or how I will lose them I need to run and be free but it wont happen. Now I am tired so I will sleep sorry if this seems in any way bad, its just me. Bye the way the capitols are by the computer i haven't used most of them its just the computer.

Not enough for you, well, I don't believe I've written in a few years, and since I don't feel like paying for a membership I'll just add on to this. What age am I? I can't remember how old I said I was when I was 13 so very long ago, and now I'm probably about 22 at age 17, how ironic. I just watched a movie, Gladiator, with Russel Crowe. It has a magical score, and wonderful effects in the scenes, acting and other stuff. I have just finished my last full week of Junior year, Highschool sucks so much, yet I am destined for college, and more quasi-adulthood. I'm deathly afraid of getting a job, dating, being like the rest of the masses out there; yet where else is there, death is boring, life is boring, dreams don't solve anything. This is the greatest shame, that no matter how much a person writes away their depression and their boredom, life remains mundane and pointless. I'm going to do something few would imagine me doing tomorrow: I'm going to be school spirity and help the seniors at graduation, I've made myself an officer ina club, all to look good on the aplications I plan to throw at a few colleges who will see my test grades and ignore the rest. This is me, unable to happily go along with things yet incapable of moving out from them, caught in the middle. I am average, I go to an advanced scholastic program, and my IQ is exactly in the middle of my classmates' I am average among the execellent. This may sound elitist or bitchy but it could be more depressing than being average among all, because there is an assumed potential in my group that I'm not fulfilling. I choose to plod along like the rest, not excelling or standing out, just getting along and standing to the challenge, which keeps me nicely in the crowd of sheep, baaaing away at the extra homework yet going home and doing it for fear of a zero in the grade book. Well, I came on to write this in a fairly good mood, sad for the end of something, yet joyful at the beginning of summer, which is soon to come. This leaves me unable to fix anything yet still sad. I will continue though, my words will flow in essays which mean nothing to me, the loss will keep me from expressing myself in truth, and so I will keep going, until something saves me for I lack the inner strength to liberate myself as others have done. Journey into AP my heart says, yet my ego sees that as giving up, Mother says you can excel at anything you try, thus excel in school to meet her approval, and to beat your brother, and to keep that insecurity covered, god forbid anyone see that. Strong girl, confident, unafraid... perpheral, angry, empty.
There could be so much to say, yet I must conserve my words for history essays, english b s ers french commentaries, and all the rest. I hope that highschool doesn't shape the rest of the world for me, because if it does I will jump through hoops and never find anything real. I love movies, I love books, I love music, and I crave sleep and love itself, Passion is non-existant in my heart, lust, addiction, yet no passion, which is what everyone says will fix life, "find something you love" "what are you passionate about?" nothing, there is nothing, I don't love anything enough to be happy with it, what am I to do then, major in english or psychology, teach children who I will come to resent like my teachers, move to some place, find some guy, die believing in my fake smile and drowing in my supressed tears. This is melodrama at its worst, but why not for a 17 year old at home on a friday night, hearing racers behind her, people who she would admire simply because they have something she cannot understand, freedom. My thoughts never stop, I want to tear my brain out, I want pain and drugs and emotion to drown the thoughts, the words and images out of everything, but they won't leave me alone. again I am imprisioned by myself, here not by choiceless choice, but by uncontrollable factors that I cannont change without risking my self-respect in searching for drugs and possibly getting caught, oh no, the worst thing would be for everyone to know the darkness in side of me, for all of my revealed secrets, that seems to be the only one that remains mine, how deeply I hate myself, after the smiles and the laughs and the games and rough-housing, I hate my lust and my rage and my inferiority. This is what I have to say, I want it to stop, I don't want you to read this, it is something that you must never relate with me because if you did I would lose myself in shame, the shame of it, no one should know these things, except for a soul-mate, someone who doesn't judge, who loves unconditionally. But now you know it, and that is why my fingers are slowing, why the words have ebbed, cartharsis at the price of revelation. What a shame.

Jump forward again, 3 years to junior year of college. It warmed my heart to read those past bits...middle school, highschool. Memories are the sweetest things because they seem distant enough to hurt less. And now I've watched movies that have said similar things about life as an adult, does that mean I'm destined to be stuck like that? Does that really mean that there is no great difference between the hormonal teenager and the 20-year-old woman? Is life really that small? Is the world really that unchanging? Yes, why yes I think it is. So be it? I've had the boys now, I've had the drinks and the drugs - I've lived away from the family, lost the family - oh the things that have happened to me in the last 3 years, you wouldn't believe how full it is. It seems like every 5 years is a lifetimes worth of memories, and then I don't even want to think about the things I've forgotten. I have those memories you see, they pop up at the most random times, walking through cambridge, through france, through italyspainaustriascotlandcanadacoloradowyomingvirgingordasanjuanaguasbuenas... I've been so many places and there are so many more to go that I need to be free to go to those places and hear the stories from the people there. I want to be a gypsie who travels and sees the lives of people who belong, who know, who are doing the right thing. Because I still don't belong. I still have no idea who I am. I know a bit better who I can be, how I can survive and make myself into something I should be, and I guess a part of me has stopped fighting that so much, it is inevitable because age is inevitable and I don't want to be helpless when I am old. I want to save for my future and have a real job and share some of that existence, because that seems to be one of the greatest ways to find true friends. You see I'm starting to wonder about humanity in general...starting...starting to formulate some of those doubts because I have the experience to shape the ideas that have plagued me ever since I wondered if people really existed like those villans in the movies, the racists and the letchers and the rapists. How deep is the evil in humanity and how insidious is it in my friends, the people that I trust. Family seems to keep a certain amount of that evil away, blood ties are damn strong and so the evil must manifest elsewhere for some...like the work place. You can't trust people to do the right thing in the workplace unless their ass is on the line, unless they are threatened if they do not do it right, if you're the one who will get in trouble, they don't give a damn! So be it, I will trust less. My mistake. But then that mistake is acknowledged and accepted and stored and brushed aside because I am a good worker, young, inexperienced, but eager and willing to work and be challenged so I am valuable. Good to know. Then later I hear that boss-man said I will drive the relationships I'm in. Maybe that's why they all seem to fail, all...that would be about 2.5... but still, it hurts me every time, and right now, that .5 is dragging me down into the dramatic heart-sick musings of the teenager I left behind last year. NOw I'm approaching 21 and legal to be drinking...and, though not to the level of him, like the dude in Malcom in the Middle, I will not be going crazy. I've had enough of the abuse of alcohol that I plan to simply enjoy it from now on. Maybe other substances still intrigue me, maybe that book about pisces having to hit bottom to realize that mind-altering substances are not for them will ring true. But maybe not, maybe I'll be just fine in the occasional dipping and tRipping I hope, see that's what I want so bad now, a real, true trip. Because I've voyaged around the real world, tried to explore myself and others a bit, tried to see the worlds of others in so many books and movies and other media, but I want something more separate. I need something more disconnected because I can't get the perspective on my life right now to see my direction, I have no direction, I am lost so deep in the darkness of my own self-delusion that I'm safely on the way to a decent career, and safely on the way to hell. I have an amazing circle of friendly acquaintences who welcome me and make sure I'm human, take care of me when I need it and help me escape with them to the mountains, up rocks, down hills, rolling, walking, climbing, skiing riding... I am living a great fucking life and yet I feel forever lost and so often lonely. Why is that contented feeling I get in the freezing cold dawn not enough to tide me over when I want to be held and kissed and.... Where is that philosophical comfort that I should be able to derive from my amazing life? it gets lost so easily in the moment. Just as the sadness disappears for a moment, and sneaks its way back in without my permission - that ever present absence that shouldn't be so important but it is because it will never be any different. There are supposed to be a few times a year when I see you, a few times when we talk and bond and share everything and make our lives seem better because we are sharing them and we are family and that is all we need to survive. But no, instead I'm left alone with two parents who had such high aspirations for us that are now focused solely on me. Grandkids for fucks sake, do you know how much responsibility it is for me to think that I am the only provider of grand kids and elderly support for my parents. How the hell do normal single children deal with that? I just hope to hell that works out because my fear of failure really stems from fear of failing my family and if they find out that I am as lost and hopeless as I am then where will be be? How will I make that sadness in their eyes go away for longer when they look at the fourth chair at a table if I don't have anything to talk about that will make them happy. I can fill it with the little things in life I guess, I can fill the space where someone else should be talking by babbling and telling things that most children don't share with their parents, because that makes them feel like I trust them and will not go insane because I'm an open fucking book right. right. and that's why i can't share with my bf/fuckbuddy/friend/whatthehellarewe that I want to love him but I know that we aren't compatible and we will never be anything more than close close and I shouldn't waste his time but I want to let this feeling in me develop a bit more so I know if the caring is enough to make me feel like I love and let my heart break when we leave, when I leave, because I will leave. I have too many places to go yet before I can settle down. And my future promises many opportunities. So there. And maybe I'll talk to you in a nother three years or so, because that would just be cool.