Cherished Pain

Her frail body lies there
cold to the touch,
No more heart beating
movement or such.

The casket is covered
with roses of red,
Her favorite color
someone has said.

The dress she now wears
was once worn before,
When her son was buried
killed in the war.

Her necklace is white gold
with her initials engraved,
Given by her mother
when first was engaged.

On her hand she wears a ring
of a love that did last,
On the day she was married
but he too has passed.

Time did rob her
of the beauty she was,
As time will do
as time always does.

It's to late for words now
they will always go unsaid,
For this woman - my mother
she now is dead.

My family sit behind me
watching me now,
Feeling sadness and anger
at my head that is bowed.

Yet they do not know
the heaviness of my grief,
And how guilty I feel
that time was a thief.

That I stayed so busy
and restless in life,
That I bypassed what mattered
and caused her much strife.

Someone is sobbing loudly
in the back of the room,
I don't turn my head
I can't bare the gloom.

It would only allow
my own hurt to show,
It's too late for that
I can't let them know.

I move back quietly
as the casket is shut,
And swallow hard pain
that feels like it cuts.

I watch as they roll her
out to the hearse,
Memories flood me
as though in reverse.

As I follow the others
out to our cars,
I can't help but wonder
if now I am marred.

We all stand at graveside
as they lower her down,
Gently and softly
to lay in the ground.

Scripture is read
tears are wiped dry,
Still I just stand
still I don't cry.

I hold it inside me
I cherish my pain,
For it's all I have left
to replace my disdain.

I decide I will keep it
held forever close,
A part of my mother
that will haunt me like a ghost.