The Desert

[';pjShe sat in her room, hungry. No dinner? She should have just done what her mom told her to do, not play cards on the computer. She should have watched the movie with her mom. Her mom wanted all of her attention, when she wasn't with her guy. When her mom wasn't spending time with her man, she targeted the daughter, wanting her to watch movies with her, heat up her coffee, run her baths. Her excuse? Cysts on her ovaries. Cramps.

"you can come and eat now," her mom said, opening the door. The girl stood up, walking to the door slowly, not knowing what to expect. "we'll watch the movie tomorrow, no playing on the computer, no spending time with your stupid girlfriend online." The girl walked timidly down the stairs, accepting a little more water in her desolate desert. Her phone rang. She ducked into the bathroom and answered it. "I have a plan," came the voice on the other end. Michelle. It was Michelle. The girl smiled. "I have your ticket. Go to the airport in the morning, flight's at eight thirty."

Before the morning, the girl knew what she had to do. She made her mom a cup of sweet coffee, just the way she liked it, taking a handfull of pills, chopping them up, mixing them in well with the coffee. Xanax. Stolen from her mom's purse, visits to quack doctors and quack pharmacies. Ironic, the girl thought, smiling. Killed with her own pills. This will put her out. She added a few sleeping pills for good measure. Maybe mom will just fall asleep, never wake up. She's always fucked up on drugs. No one would be suspicious if they found her dead from an overdose. She took the stirred coffee into her mom's room. "here you go," she said sweetly, smiling at her mom. Her mom inspected the cup, making sure it was full enough. She took a sip. "good," The girl smiled. "you know mom. I've been feeling really bad lately. You've been doing nothing but treating me like shit. I have to depend on you for food. You get mad, and I don't eat. I don't do something you want, and you ignore me for days. I feel like I'm in the middle of a desert, and you bring me a small glass of water every day when you treat me well. Then, when you treat me like shit, it's like I get no water. I'm so tired of waiting for you to decide how much water I get in this lonely desert. That's how everyone has been toward me, my whole life. You're the worst though." The girl tried not to cry. "What are you babbling about? You think, you think," her mom stopped talking, the cup sliding from her hand, spilling all over her expensive sheets. She fell back onto the bed, the drugs taking affect. "you, need, help. Thinking... I'm bringing you water in a desert." Her mom said this slowly, starting and stopping, her speech slurred and slow. "fuck you. You'll never get it. You know what? You're going to die here. I don't need your love anymore. I don't need a mother. I have someone waiting for me, and she'll bring me all the water I need in that desert. I won't have to wait eagerly for her little glasses of water. From her, I'll get gallons." Starting to walk away, the girl turned back. "Help. You did something to me. You call an ambulance right now you little bitch. You're going to be punnished for this," her mom managed to say. "You're such a fucking piece of shit," the girl said, anger in her voice, turning again and walking out of the room.

Not much time, she thought. She walked up to the bed. Her heart slowed down as she took some deep breaths. Fun part over. Now, time to be happy, go to my love, she thought happily of Michelle, mentally flying away on a magic carpet with her like in that movie Aladen, far above the world, disappearing with her forever, no deserts, no waiting. Snap back into reality, she told herself, shaking her head to clear it of her daydream. There will always be a desert until I can completely trust someone. She wiped her fingerprints from the glass, put on gloves, filled the glass with fresh coffee after cleaning it, and pressed it into her mom's hand, tipping the cup so it would slowly dribble, trying to cover for the coffee on the sheets. . She also dumped out all her mom's pill bottles into the toilet and flushed it. Next, she threw the bottles next to the bed. No more waiting in the desert, she thought. No more waiting. All her life, she'd had to depend on her family for everything, being blind, and having them be too "busy" to teach her how to be independent. Yeah right. They just wanted the money she got every month. The check. Being pawned off on one family member and then another, so they could all take turns getting the check. Too bad she couldn't kill all of them, she thought. She hated feeling like she was waiting in the hot desert, no company, no entertainment. Still a desert, she thought, even with Michelle, until there's complete trust. Then I can come out into the coolness. There has to be complete trust though. Can that happen in just meeting? Don't get your hopes up, she told herself. Oh well. At least until there is trust, she'll treat me right, not like all the others, and I'll get a lot more water in my desert than I ever had before. Michelle loves me. It's going to be real. Not just an online thing. We met at a card table, instant attraction, instant connection. She'll bring me gallons and gallons of water in my desert, hell, maybe even stay with me a while.

She called a cab and got on the plane with assistance. On the plane, she thought about all the things her mom had done to deserve her fate. It should have been worse, maybe she should have locked her mom in a crate, buried it underground, taped a walky-talky to her right hand, made her confess to all the fucking with her daughter's mind. Not enough time, and Michelle couldn't get there to help her, with her own daughter having the baby any day soon. She thought about the times her mom had ignored her, using silence as a weapon. All the times she made the girl admit to things she wasn't guilty of, saying she faked being sick when she really was, saying she was making fun of her mom's coke habit when in reality she wasn't. The unspoken agreement, "do what I say or no food for you. No xanax, even though i know you have anxiety," her mom's cruel voice repeated in her head. "Shut up mommy dear. You're dead," the girl thought and smiled at the memory of killing her. Thoughts raced through her mind. Is she dead yet? I hope so. I can't wait to meet Michelle, to kiss her, to hold her, to have her take me to a world where there is no desert. She's my soulmate. Soulmate. Soulmate. The word kept repeating in her head. She had had other online girlfriends, but she found out they were laughing and making fun of her behind her back, talking about her secrets, the rapes, the verbal abuse from her mother like it was just talk about the weather. Her hands began to tingle. She wanted to drug them, kill them too. She wanted to kill her aunt's boyfriend, for all the stupid passes he had made at her over the years. Her cousin Sam, for always being number one in the "family's" eyes, not really doing much to earn that title at all but smile and be not the blind girl, whom the family didn't know how to react to. Am I stupid, the girl thought. No. All of you are. Sam writes a poem about a boy who wasn't drug free, who ended up killing himself, and Sam's mom thought it was the best poem in the world. Talk of suicide around her though in reference to it and not that poem, and she says how stupid people are for wanting to use that way out. Her aunt could sure let things happen to the girl at her house, the rape, the messing with the girl by the aunt's boyfriend when the aunt's back was turned, or not... Tired. Tired of it all, but no more. On my way to Michelle. She thought about her mom, dead or dying, in bed. Sleep was too easy. The girl wished she would have done it another way, had more time, but being with Michelle was way more important, and she didn't want to get caught and go to prison for that stupid cunt. She smiled, thinking of Michelle, imagining Michelle's soft hands, roaming her body, them getting lost in each other. soulmates. Soulmates. The whispers were in her ear. "soulmates baby. We are," It was Michelle. Her words. The girl smiled.

When she got to her destination, the girl with the long brown hair was waiting. "did you do it?" Michelle whispered. The girl nodded, tears filling her eyes. "why are you crying? Are you okay?" Michelle asked. "Yes. I am now. I am now," the girl whispered, kissing Michelle on the lips. Michelle held her close. She felt better already, as if Michelle had come to her desert and left an endless supply of water. As they walked out of the airport, holding hands, the girl already felt the coolness surrounding her. Everything will be okay now, she thought. Michelle turned to her on the sidewalk and kissed her. The girl thought she'd explode right there on the sidewalk as the electricity sizzled between them and on their lips. They smiled at each other as they walked away to Michelle's car, the desert already disappearing in the surrounding coolness. She breathed a contented sigh as they got into the car, knowing now, that everything was finally on track, that she was loved unconditionally, and most importantly, she didn't have to wait in the hot desert anymore.