missing

Missing

Things go missing all the time, pets, keys, money, purses, and people. You would think that it would be hard to lose a person, but you lost me, didn’t you.

The idea is that when things go missing somebody misses them. That is why it is called missing. But you don’t miss me do you? You haven’t even noticed I’m gone. Why aren’t you crying? Why is your face not absolutely stricken with grief? Why are there not lines under your eyes from sleepless nights worrying about me? Is it because you think that if you do not miss me, I cannot be truly missing and I will return. Maybe that is what you are thinking, but I don’t think it works like that, not really.

You always hated it when I lost things, you would get cross. Then you’d get shouty, then you’d get all weepy and hysterical and then you’d always get drunk. That is when I would hide from you. But it wasn’t just when I lost things that you did this, it was when I did anything that upset you or disappointed you. Because I was a disappointment to you, wasn’t I.

But when you weren’t crying or shouting or drunk, you would look after me. You’d take me out on walks with my dress perfectly clean and my shoes shined. Every morning you would tie my hair up into a bun on the top of my head that was so tight it hurt, and that little strand of hair that lay curling on my forehead and never fitted in with the rest would annoy you and you would threaten to cut it off. When we were outside you would tell me to ‘walk like a proper lady, heel toe, head up shoulders back.’ We would walk through parks where other children played, but you would never let me join them. You always told me not to touch anything or look at anyone, and if I ever opened my mouth in protest, you would crudely remind me that children were meant to be seen and not heard.

I didn’t go to school like normal children do, you said that no school was good enough for me and so you have always taught me yourself. I can speak Latin, French and German but yet I barely ever spoke English because you always told me to be quiet. You never talked to me, and I never talked to anyone. And I most definitely have never talked to a boy my age, you said you wanted to give me away to a gentleman and until then I was never to talk to a boy.

So I understand why you don’t miss me now that I am missing. But I cannot choose the reason I think most fitting. Is it because I’m no longer there to bother you or maybe you never wanted me in the first place. I suppose I will never know

We were going for a walk as normal and you went into the shop that I do not go in. I wait outside because ‘the shop is dirty’ and ‘no place for a lady like me’, that’s what you say. But then the men came around the corner. They asked me lots of questions but I did not answer because I am not aloud. But then they pushed me away and one of them covered my mouth with his dirty hand so I could not scream. They took me into the forest behind the park, I had never been this far from our little terraced house before, and I was scared. Then they got drunk like you do sometimes, but they drank something very different to what you do. It had a horribly pungent odour. When they had drunk a lot of it they got very angry, they cursed and swore at me and at each other, I had never heard such vile language apart from when you talk to that man on the phone who you say is a bastard, an evil bastard.



Then the two men got in a fight with each other but they whispered so I couldn't hear what they were saying. Then suddenly one man, the bigger one, punched his companion in the face and his nose bled. I gasped. The small man turned around to look at me, holding his nose in his hand. He looked into my eyes, I blushed and looked away. Then he turned and looked at the big man, they both grinned at eachother, their teeth were black.

He walked over to me and sat down next to me. he smelt of body odour and beer. His finger nails were full of dirt and his hair was very greasy. You would not have liked him. Then he put his arm around my shoulders and rubbed my arm with his dirty fingers. he turned to face me,

"you're very beautiful" he said.

I turned to look at him, I wanted to cry, I wanted you to come and save me, but you didn't. Then he took hold of my face in his hands, his palms were sweaty and there was a mad look in his eyes. I started to pull away but his grip was too tight. He pulled me into him he kissed my mouth and the big man laughed. I puched him away and managed to scramble to my feet. He grinned,

"Did you not like that babes?" He laughed again. That's when I started to cry, and then I started to run.

I did not know where I was running becuase I did not know where I was. I also did not know wether or not the two men were following me, I was to terrified to turn around and look. I ran and ran, tripping over branches and catching my dress on twigs. Then I realised where I was, this is where the men had taken me into the forest. I could see the shop accross the road and I felt a rush of excitement and relief because I thought that you would be there waiting for me. I ran accross the road, narrowly avoiding a speeding car.

I arrived outside the shop and waited outside for you because I am not allowed inside the shop because it is no place for a lady, but you never came out of the door so I decided to go inside.

the shop was very small and dimly lit. I looked all around for you from where I was satanding, but there was only three other people inside. An Asian man with thick glasses behind the counter serving an old lady with pink hair. The other person was a pale haired boy who looked my age. He was tall and thin and his face was spotty. I walked up and down the isles of the shop looking for you but I couldn't see you anywhere. I started to worry because you were not in the shop. I continued to walk faster and faster and the other people in the shop started to look at me funnily. I decided it would be best for me to leave the shop.

When I got outside I suddenly realised that you not being in the shop meant I did not know where you were. I looked up and down the street and there was no one there. I began to seriously worry, it was starting to get dark. Tears began to fall down my face and my sobs seemed to be uncontrollable. And then the hand appeared on my shoulder. I screamed.

But the hand dissapeared suddenly and the fair haired boy appared infront of me. He put both his hnds in the air to surrender and spoke hurridely.

"I...I...I'm sorry.I just, you were crying and i just, are you okay?" I wiped my eyes,

"yes I," I stopped suddenly, I was not allowed to talk to him. It would make you angry. But maybe he knew where you were.

"Where are you going, it's getting dark, where's your house, I'll take you there." he looked at me and smiled.

"Are you a gentleman?" I asked, he looked at me quizzicaly, "it's just that my mother wants me to marry a gentleman and I cannot talk to you if you are not one."

"I don't want to marry you, I never said that. I just offered to walk you home because you were crying," he said hurriedly, "but it seems that you're just fine so, I'll um just be going now." He waved his hand at me and started to walk away. I wanted to ask him to stop but I couldn't no words came, only more tears. i watched him walk away and the street empty once more.

Now it was starting to get very dark and a street light flickered in an orange light. I stood cold, shivering and in tears.

I am still missing because I cannot come back to you because, my dress is dirty and ripped, my shoes are scuffed and my hair has fallen out. And I spoke to a boy and he spke to me back, it was not liked I had imagined it would be, but I did it all the same. I know that this would make you very angry and then shouty and then drunk. And then you would hit me again. You would tell me you wished I wasn't born, you would shout at me and make me cry and tell me 'not to talk to you or even look at you or you'd kill me'. You would make me frightened and I would cry to. I don't think I've ever seen you smile, and I don't think I've ever smiled at you either.

That is why I am missing, and it is also probably why you do not miss me, Mother.