Driving Allusions

The sun beats down like the eye of Sauron on my car of charcoal black,
but why?
Though diminutive, I am neither hairy nor suspiciously fond of pudgy hobbits.
I carry no rings of power, except perhaps the cock ring left sealed in cellophane in my pocket that I had accidentally gotten from the highway gas station's restroom under the foolish assumption that the dispenser was an inexplicably placed gum ball machine. Just in case, I toss the ring in question out the window and it flees at 65 miles an hour behind me and I wonder if a hobo will find it and utilize the 25 cent gift. Hobo's must have sex right? Hobo sex. Would that make them hobosexuals? 

Or maybe that golden orb isn't Sauron's eye, but rather the Joker's spyglass, and my car the Bat Mobile. He's up to something, I'm sure, and I glare back at him until my eyes see half a dozen little purple suns, certainly the byproduct of frying eye cells. Suddenly, it appears and I deduce the importance of it in classic Sherlockian fashion. Is this spider on my window an assassin of most sinister intent? It is likely radioactive, and will give me the power of superhuman strength and web ejaculation. Then all would fear me, the spider person, and my oh-too-virile slit wrists of ejaculatory justice! Who would dare be my villain under the prospect of such a shameful, sticky defeat?

I turn on my windshield wipers and find to my everlasting disappointment that the spider, now a yellowish goo spread like marmalade across my window, is actually quite normal with no discernible exceptional qualities besides the exceptionally bright yellow of its marmalade goo. I look at my clock, one hour to go. It begins to tick louder, the sound pregnant with gravity, and I am Jack Bauer, driving to San Antonio to disarm the bomb that Santa Anna's descendants will use to blow up the Alamo, heralding the re-takeover of Texas by Mexico, within the hour! The numbers on the clock turn green and start shifting, and I realize in addition to being a super rogue special agent, I am also the One, and the Santa Anna descendants are likely Agents of the Matrix. It is up to me and my limited acting abilities to save the world from robots that look like Megatron's demonic sperm.