Kidnapped (and Broken)

Prologue:

Dear reader, this is a story of a brave and clever young girl that was kidnapped from her home.  If you have never experienced a kidnapping, consider yourself lucky. It is hard to imagine how frightening it can be, especially for a child. In the tale Amy tells us how scared she felt, what she thought and what she did… when taken.  Here is her story.

Chapter 1:

Amy Russell was frightened and did not understand why she was taken and her younger brother left behind.  She was nine… not a pretty girl; she took after her dad with stringy brown hair and a round face.  She listened and obeyed the man and woman who had abducted her from her home.  She sat sobbing in the back seat of their car, the muscles in her legs were trembling, her heart was pounding in her chest and tears were rolling down her cheeks.  There was no stopping… the car continued along roads that were neither interstates nor highways… travelling through the snow filled mountains of her home state… Colorado.  She had no idea where she was or where she was going.  She prayed that cooperating would ensure her safety and allow the amber alert to succeed for her rescue.

It was dusk when they finally stopped…a remote area in the mountains with a large rustic log cabin.  Amy was exhausted from crying and hungry from not eating.  Once inside the cabin, Amy was locked in a small stark bedroom with a bunk bed, a small night table and one small window near the ceiling.  Lying on the bunk bed was a pink flowered flannel footed pajamas.  Later in the evening, the woman brought in a tray of hot tomato soup, grilled cheese sandwich and large glass of warm milk.  Amy had no trouble devouring the food… then changed into the warm pajamas and crawled into bed.

She sulked that until now she did not even try to look at her captors or learn their names.  If rescued and they got away, how would she describe them.  Amy reflected, “He was a medium-tall man, brown hair, his eyes were gray, he wore nondescript gray wool shirt, blue jeans and a blue vest that hid a small holstered gun.  She was a small woman, had black hair and blues eyes, an up tilted nose, she wore blue jeans and a striped cowl neck sweater.  But she heard no names?  Not even first names. They were very careful.”

Amy rested in bed and waited until the cabin was quiet.  She carefully moved the night table under the small window, climbed up and was surprised that window could be opened.  She pulled herself through the small opening and fell into a snowdrift.  Slowly and carefully, she left and made her way up the slope away from the cabin, just inside the fringe of alpine fir trees that surround the cabin.  It was very cold and the low wind moaned across the slope of the mountain, stirring up the icy bits of snow and ice. The feet of her pajamas offered no protection as she trudged through the deep drifts.  She felt the cold wetness of the snow as her feet sank into the drifts.  The icy wind continued as Amy looked longingly at the cabin below, knowing that if she went back; she would be punished and would not have another chance to get away.  Painfully cold, she wormed her way to a small cave where some animal had long since gathered sticks for a nest, this is where she stopped…curled up on her side atop the nest.  She waited now, waiting for the morning sun to come up and touch the ridges and peaks of the mountain.

“Very cold” she fretted as her thoughts wandered, “Hope my little brother alerted our parents… glad my captors haven’t learned of my escape... why wasn’t my brother taken... mom and dad must be upset.”

She had been crying off and on throughout her ordeal.  She heard noises, she was stiff from the cold, but rolled over and got up to her feet.  With blurred eyes, she looked down the mountain into the dark fringes of trees, far away it seemed like ghost-like figures were moving about.  When she lowered her head for protection from the wind, she almost missed a light piercing through the trees.  As she instinctively turned in that direction, she heard what sounded like a shrill train whistle… 

A park ranger stepped out of the darkness of the fir trees, and yelled into the crackling radio, “We found her…alive… Thank God.” 

Tears were streaming down her face as the park ranger approached her.  He had brought a warm blanket and wrapped it around her.  “Shshh... its okay…It’s over now… You’re safe now,” he kept saying repeatedly.

She nodded.  All she wanted to do was go home… to hug her parents and her brother… and feel safe again.

After being examined by a doctor in the emergency room and questioned by the police, she was released to the waiting arms of her family. 

One year after her abduction, she sat at home feeling strangely numb as she vacantly stared out the front window. She made little effort to talk and her family said nothing to her except for the occasional asking, “Are you okay?”  She would nod in response.  She kept wondering if all that happened was her fault.  Her actions saved her, but she felt like as if this bad dream would never end.  She silently prayed that one day she would feel safe again.



Prologue:

Dear reader, Amy Russell’s kidnapping story continues.  Sixteen years later that brave young girl has achieved most of her goals.  She is teaching English at a middle school in Colorado.  However her kidnapping experience has never left her psyche…frightening, indistinct visions continue to invade her sleep when her life becomes stressed. 

Chapter 2:

Late Tuesday night, Amy thought she was alone in the Lakewood Library.  She just finished grading the last of her students’ essays and slipped them into her briefcase.  For whatever reason an icy thread of fear shivered up her spine, “it’s not real,” she thought.  She glanced around the library and noticed a man sitting several tables away looking at her.  When he saw she looked at him, he smiled and got up.



Amy thought, “Oh my God, he is coming over here…what I should do?”  She lowered her head and pretended to look down at her briefcase on the table… her hands began to tremble, quickly she hid them under the table grabbing her knees to help stop them from shaking. She wanted to run out the front door but couldn’t move. Soon she felt his presence behind her.

He coughed and reached out gently touching her shoulder, triggering another shiver that radiated throughout her body.  She nervously turned her head and looked up at him, she opened her mouth as if she were going to say something, but no words came out… she felt dizzy, the room became very warm and crowded.

He softly said, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but aren’t you Amy Russell?  We went to the same high school, I’m Andrew Taylor.

She blinked several times, before answering, “Mm, Yes and...”

Just then, her cell phone rang, she looked to see who it was and said to him, “I have to take this call.”

He looked like he wanted to say something else, but stammered, “Err, maybe we could talk another time.”

She got up and briskly walked out of the library.  Once outside, she answered her mother’s call.  After one year living on her own, she hoped her family would back off and stop their incessant worrying.  She took a deep breath and tried not to sound irritated as she said “hello”.  Her mom immediately launched into an altogether familiar spiel…Amy listened, now and then said the obligatory “yes” to the instructions mom was giving her. 

When she finally interrupted her mom, she agreed saying, “When I get home, I’ll check all the locks on the windows and doors and will set the security alarm.”

Mom replied, “I’d be happier if you would move back home.”

“Mom,” she answered, “you know you and dad cannot watch me forever.”

As mom replied, “Yes, I understand.”  Amy said, “Good-Bye.” Cutting her off; otherwise they would be talking for hours.

Amy began to wonder,  “should I have told my mom about the library and Andrew Taylor… no I better not or she would have insisted I come home…, my parents don’t understand my need to be alone, and not be sheltered at my parent’s home, but living on my own,  in my own apartment and working for a living at Connolly Middle School… it’s important  that I can do this.”

Amy walked home to her second floor apartment, but for some reason, mom’s phone call continued a self-analysis. She could not stop herself from thinking, “I’m an English teacher at Connolly Middle School, I’m timid and tend to shy away from people, but I do have some friends although they are teachers at my school.  I try to act normally, but I’m always afraid… I envy other women. Maybe someday, I could be an average women, experience the same things they do...  even the company of a man….flinching with the flash thought of Andrew.”  Her stomach twisted into a knot, “How can I stop this fear?”

Avoiding further thoughts about her life, she walked to the bathroom, undressed, stepped into the shower, fumbled with the water handles to let streams of warm water flow over her hair and body….washing away the day's tension.  Out of the shower, she dried herself off and looped a towel around her … made her way to the bedroom… sat down on the bed and to blow dry and brush her hair.  Afterwards, she turned off the lights, and then paced the room in the dark…eventually she climbed into bed knowing that she would not be able to sleep  She was angry at herself.

She awoke in the middle of the night, curled into a tight ball in the middle of the bed, while the blanket, comforter and pillows were on the floor.  Gradually the death grip she had on the bed sheet began to loosen…she took several small breaths and opened her eyes.  It took several minutes to realize that the voices she heard were in her head, merely remnants of a nightmare.  After a few minutes more, she was conscious and felt tears slowly flowing down her cheeks.

She settled herself more comfortably on the bed and thought… “There aren’t any clear images, falling snow, shadows and voices …I can see things but not quite make them out.  I’m glad it’s cold and dark…I don’t want them to see me or I them.”  She closed her eyes squeezing back the tears.

“Why can’t I forget my abduction?  After they found me, I spent the next several months recuperating and being subjected to medical and mental treatments.  While I was struggling to survive, wondering if I wanted to recover, the couple who did that to me went on with their lives as if nothing happened…they were never caught.  I felt violated, after all these years I’m still silently suffering.  I’m alone trying to control each and every situation, afraid to show how vulnerable I am.” She shuddered, “I don’t want to remember.” 

The guilt fell on her shoulders...it never left.  None of the psychiatrists she had over the years could help.  It was bad enough that her family treated her as a cripple…carefully avoiding subjects that might trigger memories of the abduction…always trying to be bright and cheerful…praising her for things that were far less than extraordinary…

“Am I an ungrateful child?  I still love my family.  I just wanted to be treated as normal, like they treat each other… to be included in ups and downs, arguments…normal family things. But it hasn’t happen…  My family doesn’t seem understand that by coddling me…keeping me in a protective bubble… made me more vulnerable… allowed  me to withdraw from people and encouraged me to stay inside the security of myself…. I just keep struggling.”

“My younger brother said I was a basket case. He repeatedly said after I started high school I was barely functional.  I freaked out anytime a stranger came near me or I’d run and hide from them.  I knew this to be true… I was a basket case of clichés, never knowing how I would react in any situation.  Do I really want to be that cowering mouse? “

“Have I tried?  No I haven’t tried, not really.  My psychiatrists, my family, everyone tried to help me, but not once have I try to help myself.  I buried my memories and simply accepted my fault.  Only one psychiatrist, Dr. Darlene Knight recognized and had the insight to tell me that by taking the path of least resistance, in essence I chose isolation.  She said that I blocked out the trauma of my abduction, the events that followed and she could not help me until I was ready to face it.”

“She is correct, I am blocking out most of what happened. I did not interact with anyone… I felt safe there and I did not want to leave.  It’s a little like when you were 4 years old and saw shadows on the wall that looked like monsters…you were scared, so you closed your eyes to keep from seeing them, you knew that closing your eyes couldn’t protect you, but as long as you kept your eyes closed and couldn’t see the lurking shadows, you felt safe.  That was my feeble attempt at living a sheltered life.”

After the shock of seeing Andrew, a person from my past, I now recognized that I have been lying about myself, my life, I am an expert at bending the truth, keeping things hidden, even from myself… if that’s possible.

When morning finally rolled around, she remembered that Dr. Knight also told her that you need to fight your fears with everything you got.  Happiness isn’t something anyone can give you… you have to find it yourself… it’s inside of you … in your heart… in your mind…. The ride may be bumpy, but I promise you… you’ll never regret it.

“I guess she was pretty good at that psychiatry stuff.  But how do I do that?” she thought. 

For the next several days, Amy focused on teaching her classes; however she couldn’t keep thoughts of Andrew Taylor from rolling around her head.  After classes, her mind wandered, “Do I remember him…Well yes… visions of Andrew as he’d looked in high school.  He was the star quarterback of the football team, a small forward of the basketball team and the star pitcher for the baseball team…His fabulous body… tall, muscular frame…big brown eyes…flowing long brown hair was dreamy to look at… All the girls practically salivated whenever he walked by, along with their breathless sighs.  But for me, it was when he smiled at me.”

These thoughts challenged her more than she wanted to admit to herself.  How vulnerable she felt thinking about high school…How she dressed… how emotionally afraid she was… how unattractive she felt with her round face and mousy brown hair.  Whispering, “Why would he remember me?  I’ll probably never see him again…it was an accidental meeting in the library…but if I do see him again, I’m going to apologize for being so rude…running out of the library to answer my mother’s phone call… I was just so angry…I better not tell him that…he’d think of me as being a spoiled brat…I’ll just say I’m sorry…that should be okay…right?”

After teaching on Friday, Amy stopped to pick up a roast beef sandwich from Panera Bread on Wadsworth Boulevard before going to the Lakewood library.  By 6:30 pm she was once again seated at a library table grading her students’ essays.  Occasionally glancing up, she felt alone, disappointed that Andrew did not appear.  “Didn’t think I would see him again… no one to blame except myself… I guess I should be happy I don’t have to apologize … but that doesn’t make me happier…”

She heard the library front door open and footsteps coming closer to her, afraid to look around; she straightened up and held her breath. Andrew Taylor strolled over to where she was sitting and sat down opposite her.  She looked at him.  He looked different than she remembered him…in a good way…his broad torso pleasingly filled out his gray suit … his brown hair now shorter with soft curls around his ears… and his beautiful dark brown eyes with golden flecks throughout… and with long, thick  dark eye lashes.  Men shouldn’t have eyes that pretty.

He smiled, his eyes crinkled at the corners as he spoke, “I’ve been thinking about you since last Tuesday…do not say anything…I’m not here to be pushy… I need to talk to you…”  Sensing her nervousness, he stood up and added, “however if you want me to leave, just say so and I will go.” 

Amy swallowed hard, hating her feeble attempt at honesty, “Andrew I’m sorry for Tuesday night…it was very rude of me to just leave…the call was from my mother… I’m really sorry, I am glad you found me again.”

“Are you?” Andrew questioned as he walked around the table and sat down next to her.

She felt her cheeks go warm and began biting her lower lip, then looking back up at him she tried to smile, “Umm, I am a little uncomfortable… but the last few days I have often thought about you and high school… so please continue.”

“Okay…you have no idea why I was and am glad to see you…really, I’m the one that has to explain… you probably didn’t realize this, but when we were in high school, I really liked you…you were smart, sweet, shy and pretty…but my peers, my fellow ‘jocks’ laughed at me and taunted me saying don’t tell us you’re interested in little plain Amy Russell…good lord Andy, you can have any girl in the school you want.  I should‘ve stood up for myself and for you, but I did not… was a spineless coward...”

Amy’s was speechless….but unconsciously whispered under her breathe, “Why did he say he liked me in high school?” 

Andrew took her hands; the initial touch of his hands spread warmth throughout her body... everywhere. He continued talking softly, “When I saw you at the senior prom with your brother… I realized that I wanted you to be my prom date…I needed to change my life…. become more honest with myself.  After graduation, I did not accept any of the sport scholarships I was offered from colleges and universities… much to the chagrin of my parents… instead I choose to escape Colorado, and go to Yale College and then Yale Law School.  I needed to change my life  It wasn’t an easy choice…as I struggled not only in school, but also with finances…I worked as a busboy and then as a cook at Amity Lanes… as legal aid intern for SAGA Support Services office in New Haven ...later as an intern law clerk in the AGOC law Office. Needless to say, I still relied on my parents for most of my support throughout school… I finally graduated from Law School this year and am a qualified lawyer …that is corporate business law…although I still have to take the bar exam. 

“You graduated from Yale Law School?” she said, “Why would you ever leave the East Coast and come back to Lakewood, Colorado.  It doesn’t make sense.”

“Yes, you’re probably right, it doesn’t make any sense and I would have stayed in Connecticut or New York,” Andrew replied, “But I saw your brother in New York City about three months ago.  I asked how things were in Lakewood and he indicated all was well.  I also asked about you… I was sure someone discovered how wonderful you are … thought you were either engaged or married.  When he said that you were teaching English at Connolly middle school, moved out of your parents’ house last year and are still single.  My heart knew I had to come back to Colorado and see you…to see if you might be interested in me…maybe start a relationship that I or we should have started long ago.

Amy pulled her hands away… “Andrew you do not know what you are asking….yes I was attracted to you in high school, along with all the other girls… I was never that sweet, shy girl you remember…what you saw was a mask, a cloak of respectability that I hide behind, and still do.”  Thoughts were rattling around in her brain, why am I telling him…why am I not afraid of him?  “I’m imprisoned by memories of my childhood abduction…it’s a hopeless situation…these memories are buried deeply in my psyche… my consciousness and can’t be removed.  It’s not that I don’t have courage to try…  I just fail… I’m always afraid… really terrified…my abduction and my nightmares…these images have never left me…I don’t have any friends… any true friends that I can talk to about this… I guess I don’t trust anyone, not even myself.  I am alone trapped in my own world… can’t you see that you really do not want any part of me.  I don’t understand why I’m telling you this…I’ve never shared this with anyone… What is it about you…how have you done this to me… no one has ever coaxed my secrets out of me.”

He took Amy’s hands again and held them to his heart, and softly spoke, “I did not know if you had any feeling towards me, I needed to find out.  Ever since I left Colorado I’ve always felt that a part of me was missing… I know I would never be whole again… if I didn’t try to make you part of my life.  I don’t expect you to believe me…it’s my wish that you think about what I’ve said…about us….I’m not asking you to jump into the deep end of the pool, I’m asking you to take my hand and sit at the shallow end dangling our feet into the water… hopefully you will begin to trust me… and later… maybe we could slowly wade into the water together….”

Amy thought “am I ready for this…okay I’m pathetic... but I promised myself to try…”  On impulse, she slowly leaned forward and pressed her lips to his forehead and kissed him gently.

Andrew smiled, “I take this as a Yes.”

Coda:

Later at home, Amy sat on her sofa, sighed and reflected on the day, “What happened at the library…I’m so mixed up and flustered…did I really kiss Andrew?  I do not know how I feel about a lot of things… intellectually I’m capable…emotionally I’m a frightened mouse.  I’m overwhelmed by Andrew suddenly coming back to Lakewood and into my life…  I’ve promised myself to try and face my fears… I do believe him, but it is hard for me to accept his kindness.  My instincts scream to run, but where: to him or away from him?  I’m nervous in making either choice.  Obviously he left New York to come here to Colorado to see me… he is determined to make me a part of his life… he will not give up easily… so  Amy what are you going to do?  My mind is fixed…a commitment made with no way out.” 

“Where did I leave Dr. Darlene Knight business card?  There it is.  It’s been twelve years since I used it…I’m not sure if it’s still her phone number… but it’s my only option… I cannot deal with this alone…With any luck she will accept me for therapy... maybe my prayers are being answered and I will learn to feel safe….”