Something about the cold.

Something about the cold.


Every time I listen to Colder Weather, I think of you. I think of the memories we had, the talks we shared and the boy who I fell in love with. Whenever I get to the part of how it says " I don't want you, but I need you," somehow a waterfall of tears come falling down. You were the only one who could look at me, and know if I wasn't okay. You were my best friend. Yeah, it's not the best high school sweet heart romance kind of story, but it's the sad colder weather wish I could see you again kind of story. The story where nothing ever happened because we made it happen. Things just happened. We just happened, then we collasped. We broke because of different colleges, we broke because we knew it was going to happen and we could do nothing about it. It wasn't an easy week for me, I think my bed saw more of me then I wanted it to. The comfiness got way to comfortable for me. I was in the spot I would be in for the rest of my life, I thought. I'll never leave my bed, I will never get up. I couldn't even face people. No makeup kind of week, no food and one drink that lasted the whole week. I was broken, I was devastated. I needed you, I wanted you. I had no idea what I was going to do once classes started up, was I going to get out of my bed? Was I actually going to be able to? I've demented myself into a person I didn't even know. I was a girl who didn't exist, who just laid in her bed and thought of ways to get a boy back that had his whole life a head of him, and I was the girl whose heart got ripped out of her chest and thrown across the country. I was that girl. I was the girl who if I wanted to, I could just shut my door and no one could come in. But that wasn't the case, the door was wide open and people came in. Did I talk? NO. I just laid there, empty, not eating, not doing anything. You were gone. Actually just 9 hours away, but 9 hours away when I saw you every day for the past 18 years? That's a lot to handle for someone. Especially me. Especially you. I don't know how you act so strong, I don't know how to even be strong. Laying in bed is the strongest I've been in this whole situation and the only way I'm getting strong is if these pillows turn colder than they are. My heart is colder than these pillows. I do not know what to do, I do not know what to say and I do not know how to comprehend anything that is going on. I ccould just act like there's actually good happening in this whole sitatuion, but then I would be lying. I don't think I will ever get out of this bed. Unless you came home, and stayed home. Could you just come home? Stay forever? Never leave again?


2 weeks.


It's been 2 weeks since you've left. This bed has been a lifesaver for me. It's let me cry when ever I wanted to, it's let me sleep whenever I wanted to and it's let me stay just stay and sleep or cry whenever I wanted to. I haven't gotten up really. I mean , since you left I've been immobilized. I haven't eaten, or drank a thing. I haven't done anything except cry and sleep. Some times my cries get really loud and my mom has to come calm me down, but that never works. Only you will or would work. I always wondered what would happen if you left, but I didn't know you were actually going to. I just thought it was a dream that would never come true. I thought only I could be the only dream you had that came true. I thought I was the only thing that could keep you here, that could keep you happy, that would always be there....... but I guess not. I guess there's always a time for goodbyes, and the pain that I feel is way worse than any goodbye. I never say goodbye, I just say see you later. But you said goodbye. For the first time I heard the words goodbye come out of your mouth. You promised me, you would never say those words, you told me we would never say goodbye. So why did you say those words? Are we actually saying goodbye? Will we never see eachother ever again? Are you breaking up with me? Those are the thoughts that ran through my mind as I balled my eyes out and watched you leave. I watched you leave like a little girl watches her dad leave for a trip that he probably will never come back from because little do I know, it didn't work out between her parents. It wasn't an easy fix, it wasn't an easy come back nor was it an easy memory to relive. Everyone asked me how i was, who i was and what happened to me. I couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell them I lost myself when you drove off. They wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand how I feel about you. No one will. So why haven't I gotten up from this bed in 2 weeks? Because, you left me. You left me to lay here, and wonder where my life is going. I'm devastated. I'm emotiaonlly a wreck, and no one knows. No one knows what happened. No one knows how to cure me. Even I do not know how to cure myself. I'm a mess without you.



Leave some morphine at my door.


Medication. You're like the medication I never had. I took all my pills. I can go get another refill right? No. i've used all my refills up. You're gone. My bed is my hiding spot. Classes start tomorrow. This wasn't suppose to happen. You were suppose to be here, you were suppose to help me know where all my classes were and help me study. What happened to our plan? What happened to the dreams we both had for eachother or let alone for us? What happened to you? What happened to me? Am I just dreaming or am I literally feeling this pain right now? All of me, all of this, all of the glass it's shattered. Do you know how it feels to lose someone like this? I don't know if you do, because if you did , you would be here. You wouldn't of left me in this position. You would be here. Now all I have to do is put a smile while I look like a miserable piece of crap, and answer the same questions over and over again while lying in bed. 3 weeks....... it's been 3 weeks. Not a single word from you, and I have the absolute idea of why. My mom called you. You just don't know how to handle me this way because I've never been this way. I've never had this kind of pain, and it's all because of you. My best friend, my life, my cliche words of trying to figure out who we are as a whole while being a part from eachother. If I wanted to be cliche, like all the other girls I know, I'd tell you how you're my bestfriend and I can't live without you. But you already know that, you know you are, and you know from me laying in my bed crying every day that I can't live with out you. I can't. AND I don't want. I don't need another week without you. So if you plan on coming back, please tell me. If you're staying where you're at, then leave some morphine or something to get me through this, but really. No medication at all would get me through losing you for the life time, nothing will make me get out of this bed. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck until you finally realize that you made the worst decision ever. Or maybe this is a lesson for me, maybe I'm suppose to try to live without you, and I do not realize that. Maybe I'm just being desperate. Maybe I just want you back because I love you more than you know or think I do. Come back? Please......….


First day of classes.


8 am rolls around. Hit the snooze button is my first reaction. I don't even remember how my phones alarm got set. Maybe my conniving family put this plan together, to try to get me out of bed for the first day of class. Maybe they just want me better. I don't even want me better, how could they want me better? Isn't family suppose to be okay with your decision? Guess not. Slam, that's a dunk in my point of view. I mean my phone is about to get thrown across the room. How did it even get this close to me? How is even alive? Conniving people, conniving plan and conniving reasons to get me out of bed and living my life will not work. I know it's been 3 weeks, and I need to eat and do something with my life. I can barely move. I can barely even see. The tears still keep falling, my heart is gone. How am I suppose to get dressed presentably for class and actually act like the last 3 weeks haven't been the worst nightmare I have ever lived? How is that suppose to make me feel any better about myself, then I already feel right now? Slam dunk times a thousands, and maybe a couple throws to the closet and I'll feel better? I mean what could possibly be more welcoming then hearing my phone hit the closet and break into pieces? I mean my heart did do that 3 weeks ago. Karma isn't always nice, it can be a pain sometimes. Phones are meant to break though, hearts aren't. I think. I mean not like this, my heart isn't suppose to breaking like this. First day of class, and I've successfully managed my brain to make me miss the actual start of the actual time the actual class I actually didn't want to go to started. I'm a genuis already, skipping my very first college class. This is an epic porportion of all get out right? I'm not suppose to be doing this. I'm suppose to be in class, learning and taking notes like I usually do. I'm not suppose to be in bed, crying and learning that my brain doesn't work like it use to. I'm not suppose to be here IN my bed. When am I going to get out? When are you going to come back is my actual question? Since you've been gone i've been counting the days down till a break or something when in reality classes just started, and the likelihood of a break is in 3 months. One month down, only two more to go right? Wrong. I'm always wrong, and I fail at everything. Or at least lately i do.



One more, just one more.

Wake up, look at the lock...... it's 2 in the morning..... try to go back to sleep, can't. Wait, wait, wait..... 4 am in the morning...... One more time, just one more..... I can do this, I can go back to sleep and forget this ever happened. It's not like I've missed the first week of classes, and it's been exactly a month since you left..... You aren't here, so why should I care? I got a cd and put on the song I wanted to hear. I turned the volume up so loud, where no one could hear me crying........ I think life will get better, but I thought that a month ago. I thought you would never leave. I thought a lot of things, and I was wrong. I am always wrong now. It's like that scene in Twilight I just sit here on my bed, and the moments go by, the days go by. I just sit here, and feel numb. I don't know what else to do, I mean I can't live my life without you? Who would come up with a crazy thoguht like that? I can't do it. I won't do it. It will NOT happen. I'm not going to leave this bed, I'm not gonna turn this down nor turn it off, it's on repeat. So be prepared to memorize this song........... I thought of ways to get out of this morning depression thing. It's always the mornings when I wake up that I have no idea what to do , like the sky isn't even blue yet? Why should I be happy for this day if the sun isn't even out yet? I feel like everything is about to collapse and no one could come here and save me because they've all forgotten about me. But in reality, have they? I hear them at the door asking what happened to me...... I see their expressions on their faces, and all I can do is lay back down, and go to sleep. It's not like they understand anyways. Why would they understand? They've never lost their best friend, they've never not known what to do with their life? They've never sat on their bed for a month wondering what they did wrong to deserve this? No one understands, no one KNOWS what it is like to feel this way. I wasn't even sure of how to feel this pain until it happened. It happened, and I don't know how to stop it. Is it because we dreamed so much that we couldn't stop it? Well, it got stopped. Somehow someone somewhere along the line, it got stopped. It got stopped so bad that no one could understand when it got stopped or who stopped it. Everything we ever dreamed of it's gone. It's gone, it's over. We're over. We're done. So I guess goodbye? I guess I finally need to say those words, but in all honesty, I would never say goodbye to you.