Not Living In the Moment

It's hard to see the big picture when I'm depressed. Sad it's one of the only times I live in the moment. So hard to remember you love me and want to be with me for the rest of my life when I've been alone so long that one spark and I'm set off sabotaging. So hard to remember good grades will get me a good job when my heart is racing so hard of anxiety on the way to math class that I forget the steps to solve all the problems on the test. I keep myself down with weed. Or maybe I've been down all along and weed just articulated my state of mind most clearly. Or maybe if my conditions weren't given titles, they wouldn't seem so vivid. Or maybe I'm trying to relive isolated teenage years I didn't receive heartbreak from to attain some level of understanding with females of the world. Whatever the reason, this paranoia is getting to me and it needs to stop because I need to remember my life is unique and unlike anyone else's. You know what? That's pretty fucking awesome. I'm that book on the shelf that sticks out to you because the cover is so plain that you know the material is juicy and certainly a page-turner.