Forbidden Memories

Memory

She had to suppress His memory. It’s unbelievable that He would pick now, of all times, to cross her mind. But of course, she wasn’t surprised. Being in the presence of any man brought those bittersweet moments with Him back. If only for a split second. Until she decided it was time to move one, she never minded those occasional flash backs to the happy life, the one she shared with Him. But she knew life would refuse to continue until she let Him go. Stop it. He’ll notice if you don’t stop this right now. You know you can’t be thinking like this when he’s around. Just like clock work.
“What’s the matter?” the tone of John’s voice brought her back to the present. This is where she was supposed to be. Lying right next to him, the one who speaks to her so softly.
“Nothing.” But the man from her past spoke much softer, like His words were a constant flow of spring breeze blowing through her senses, making her eyes close and her heart race…
“Swear?” he held out his smallest finger in search of a promise. It make him feel a touch of reassurance when she “pinky promised” whatever her answer was to whatever question he was asking at the time. She made the oath in return. To him its meaning and importance was golden. To her it was never more than silver-plated.
She turns on her side in an attempt to let the happy memories flow back. As if not facing John will erase him from the current time and place. She can’t let herself think about Him with John around but now she needs His comfort more than ever, at any cost. There’s nothing wrong with remembering, just as long as I don’t let myself get caught up in those memories. Everyone thinks back to the days that everything felt perfect. It‘s only natural, I just have to make sure they stay memories and I don’t start believing He really will come home. She closes her eyes and sees His face, smiling at her, as if thanking her for allowing Him to see her just once more. She felt that all too familiar liquid in her eyes. Despite her efforts to blink the tears back, they fell down her cheek and landed on John’s arm which was substituting for the pillow he confiscated. Luckily, he was too far into dream land to feel much of anything; he’s such a heavy sleeper that a train could run straight through the house and he wouldn’t flinch at all. She closed her eyes, this time searching for the face she wished was sleeping peacefully by her side.
*************
The maple trees swayed gently in the fall breeze. Leaves of all colors cascaded across the horizon, with every gust of wind came a brand new scenery. His smell, so distinct, filled the air around her, forcing her to breathe him in, but of course she didn’t mind. It was just another reminder of how close she was to him, both physically and mentally. His touch was gentle and kind, yet it seemed to carry licks of fire as his skin dragged along hers. The smooth, silent reassurance of his loving presence. All she’d ever need.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you smile like that. I must be doing something right.” His voice serene and charming. Everything she wants to hear and nothing she dreads. Not once in ten years has a foul word passed through those subtle lips to offend her. Not once has he ever meant her any harm.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. I only smile like this when you’re around. You seem to have that affect.” She squeezes her arms around him tighter as her smile grows.
“I’ll be around more often. I know you don’t believe me because I’m leaving for base soon, but between now and then you’re going to see me everyday. I don’t want to be away from you any longer than I have to. It’s going to kill me wanting to be able to hold you like this when I already know that I can’t. I just have to remember that I will come back home to you and I‘ll get through it.” His summer night eyes, intense with passion starred back to meet her gaze.
With him around it’s hard enough to keep her guard up, but feeling his arms embracing her, the heat of his body penetrating her tough girl exterior made it even harder. In the shelter of his arms, she felt safe. She could hear each pulse of his heart beat, and the rush of blood through his veins. It was sweet to be held like this, even if they had to do it in secrecy. The rejection of their love was made clear by her parents, but it was moments like this that made none of that matter. His breath was warm as he kissed the back of her neck, now that she allowed herself to feel just like he does the need was different. The need for togetherness rather than distance. She understood him in a way she never had before. And her understanding brought them closer until their minds were touching. It wasn’t the chatter of mental voices; it was a deep and wordless communication. As if their spirits were united.
“I love you,” he said against her neck. She held him tighter. She understood now why he had been so afraid to say it for so long. When the thought of tomorrow scared you sick, it was hard to make a commitment, because you didn’t want to drag someone else down with you. Particularly, someone you love.
*************
Her eyes part and the reality of the life she is stuck in without Him sets in yet again. Waking up has always been the worst time of her day, every day. It’s the time she has to forget about Him again for the sake of her sanity. She rolls over to find John still asleep, caught up in whatever dream he may be having about some life far away from here. She can’t help thinking if it were Him laying here beside her now instead of John. What would life be like if she never told him to follow his dreams at any cost? Even for the price of her heart.