THE SIX YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL

Back in the 50's my family lived in a small 2 bedroom house that used to belong to my grandparents. Our large family of 6 children cramped in one bedroom where we all slept. My parents occupied the other bedroom. It was in itself the best arrangement made but not the ideal one. My sister and I were the only girls and eventually the boys were moved to the front living room that had been converted to a bedroom. Everything in my world was up to that point just about perfect. Then my parents without telling us of their plans, decided to leave for a period of time to work elsewhere. The idea was to get out of debt and start over but we were not included in this venture. You see little children don't understand money matters because their world is sustained by other means. I certainly had no clue what was about to happen. It was then my world changed.

The morning after my parents had left, I woke up as usual, ready to go to school and about my business. I can't remember if I looked for my mother or not. My dad would have been gone to work at that time but my mom was always home. It might have been after I got home from school that I noticed they were gone. When it finally dawn on me that mom and dad were not coming back that evening, or the evening after that, or the following evenings my heart sank. It seemed alright with my siblings what was happening but I remember having this horrible sense of loss. For the next 9 months of my parents absence I went into depression and began to lose all hope that they would ever come home again. My grandparents were left in charge of caring for us and often would try to cheer me up and reassure me that this was only a temporary arrangement. It was not working. In the mind of a six year old child one day might as well be a whole year. My life seemed to go from day to day having absolutely no meaning and I longed for my parents. For me a week might as well have been a year so 9 months was actually an eternity. Often I could be found somewhere in a corner, tears running down my face in deep uncontrollable sadness. Eventually my parents returned and life went back to normal. So it seemed until I became an adult.

It is only until recently that I realized that chapter in my life left unresolved issues. The fears, the sense of abandonment, deep insecurities had finally come to the surface to haunt me. How I have coped with the emotional upheaval of that six year old little girl it is baffling and at the same time encouraging. I left home at the young age of 17 to come to the very place my parents had been 11 years earlier. The idea of trying to make it on my own did not make much sense but deep down I needed to know for myself that I could make it. It was important for me to find myself, away from the family circle. Even when I made the decision to leave I had no idea that it was an inner need for independence that was moving me forward. Later I would also find out that God had plans for me and through a relationship with Him this whole experience would finally one day give me the emotional strength to endure many trials in my life.

Sometimes life as they say throws us a curve ball and we have to practice hard to catch it. It is worth the tears, the sadness, the fears, the insecurities for that is how we learn how to become spiritually and emotionally strong. The lesson I have learned is never to deny what happens to us but once we recognize the problem we must face it head on. Running away from our hurts never solves the issues and eventually we begin to believe the lies we tell ourselves that we will never learn to be strong. That little girl still lives inside of me but she no longer frightens my world with her fears. Her face is still sad, her world still empty, but she knows that it is only a feeling and it cannot hurt anymore.