How To Dump Your Partner

How to Dump Your Partner:
“Making the art of break-ups more businesslike.”



Dear ____________________,


I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:


(Check all that apply)


_____ You are too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

_____ Your legs are too skinny. If you can FIT into my pants, you can’t GET into my pants.

_____ You insist on wearing shoelaces, yet you never tie your shoes. Have fun falling flat on your                face, jerk.

_____ On our first date MY wallet was lighter and YOUR pants were tighter.

_____ You are too skinny. If I were attacked in a sketchy neighborhood, who would save me?

_____ You insist on “talking like a gangster”. Sorry to break it to you, bud, but you’re white.

_____ I hate your stupid friends. Every time I step into a room and they’re there, I feel as if I lose IQ points.

_____ Whenever we go out anywhere you do nothing but whine and complain. I’m the girl here, that’s my job.

_____ You have a foot fetish or any other kind of weird fetish. It’s just creepy, man. Cut it out.

_____ You are obsessed with Star Wars and/or Star Trek. Therefore, the odds of you finding a girlfriend again are highly unlikely. May the force be with you, nerd.





_____ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
_____ Whenever you break a sweat, you insist I smell your disgusting underarms. I can list hundreds of things more romantic than a nose-full of pit sweat.
_____ You always ask my opinion on whether or not you should change your socks. Trust me, if you’re asking, it’s time to change your socks, dude.

_____ You get more excited about your car then you do me. Really? After all the hours I spend getting pretty for you.

_____ You look awful without a shirt on. I need a tan beach bum and I need him now.

_____ Your first name is awful. I could never imagine yelling it out in a fit of rage or passion.

_____ You are too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to smooch you.

_____ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
_____ You have a hairy back.
_____ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
_____ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
_____ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
_____ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend leads me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
_____ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
_____ You’re a jerk. Get yourself a personality and an attitude adjustment, and then we can talk.
_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time


Sincerely,
___________________