Behind a smile is a person needed Saved

Hi there. My name is Renee, and this is the story of my life. Start to finish. It may not be a long time, but I want everyone to know my story, and hopefully see that behind a smile is a person wanting to be saved. I’m an angel now if you haven’t noticed yet. When you read my life story, do not cry for me, or feel like you could’ve helped or changed what happened to me, for I’m in a better place now. Well, here I go …

I lived in an awful part of town with my mother Lynn and my father Charles, My sister Nicole, and my two half brothers, John and Allen. We four kids all had blue eyes, like my dad’s. My sister and I were both blondes just like our mom. My brothers had a different mom, but same dad, they only stayed with us once in a while. Nothing but gangs, violence, drug dealers, and drunks. But that wasn’t anything new to me, well at least the violence and the drunks weren’t. At a very young age, my father, would get angry with me and hit me when I did nothing wrong. Well, at least I don’t think I did anything wrong. Okay, maybe once. But I was a child; I didn’t know spitting on the ground of Wal-Mart was such a bad thing. No one deserves to be hit though. At times, I thought it was just part of life, but it was constant. I was always the target. I’m glad I was the only one he’d hit because I didn’t want to see my mother or sister, or brothers hurt. My father had a problem. He drank every day. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 6, Daddy came home drunk from getting pizza, and he blacked out. Even though I wasn’t there when it happened, I can see it. Him walking behind his car from getting the pizza, one second he’s walking funny, next he’s on the ground, knee all skinned up and bleeding, bruise on head. When he came home, he walked right past me. *Closes eyes and has a flash back, Goes back to the day, as she leaves heaven*

Renee asks scared “Daddy, are you okay? What happened to your head?”

Charles says, as he pushes Renee to the ground, “Get out of my way, you mistake of a child!”

Lynn says to Charles, “Don’t call our child a mistake, look at yourself!”

Charles says as he lifts Renee by one arm, “Look at the two mistakes you made Lynn, One you married me and two, you had this thing” as he points to Renee, and drops her to the ground.

Renee cries and says, “Daddy, if you hate me so much, why don’t I just leave you and mommie, then I would be one less mistake for you guys”

Lynn, as she stands to leave the room, “Look what you start, when you start drinking.”

*Flash back ends*

You see what I mean? I was nothing to him when he was my whole world at that age. Some days we had are good days. One out of seven days, that’s it. By the time I was eight, my mother was getting tired of his behavior. It was the weekend my brothers were at their mom’s. It was around dinner time. My father came home; my mom and I were making dinner, spaghetti. Yum. We were laughing and smiling, finally for once I thought I belonged. Until, my dad came home. And wouldn’t you know it, he was drunk. My mother and I thought I’d be funny to use ketup as sauce, but he didn’t take to kindly to that…

*Flashback to that hot spring day…*

Renee says smiling so brightly, “Hello, Daddy, How was your day? We made you dinner”

Charles gives her a look, “What did you do to it?”

Renee says, with her dimples showing so greatly, “Nothing Daddy, just spaghetti.”

As he takes a bite he yells, “what is that sauce made of, you fools, don’t you know how to cook.”

Dimples gone, smile faded, Renee starts crying, yelling “DADDY! I thought you would like it, I thought it would be a great idea!”

Looks at mom, angry, and says, “You gave her the idea, didn’t you? You stupid no good wife, what the – “

Lynn interrupts him and screams, “Why can’t you be grateful for her effort you low life! That’s your own daughter you are talking about, can’t you get that through your drunken head!?”

As he gets up, He takes Renee outside, into his car, and off to the bridge by their home, he says, “If you want your mistake, come and get her.”

He’s speeding down the highway, I was a scared little child in the backseat, I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t actually; he had something tied across my mouth. As we got to the bridge and threw me to the ground, and yelled “Stay here, don’t move, I wanna see if your mother will really show, if not I hope you remember how to swim”

As Lynn pulls up, the police are right behind her, he didn’t think much of the police coming, he panics and pulls me out of the car and dangles me over the side of the bridge, and screams “Come any closer, and she will be a goner.”

Lynn comes close, and starts crying “Please don’t do this, Charles. Look at Renee’s face. Doesn’t she mean anything to you? You need help, you sick bas-“

Charles says angry, “Don’t you dare finish that sentence, you don’t understand what I’m going through, three children, and now you’re pregnant with another. What am I supposed to do.”

One of the police officers says, “Be a father? And stop treating your kids like this!? And get help?!”

He brings me back over, and lets me go to mom, and I hug her for what seemed like a long time. The police grabbed my dad, and took him away. That was the last time I seen him till……



Well, it’s been three months since we left dad, it’s August 7th 2006, Four days till my 9th birthday. He was of course drunk when we found him, his mom/ my grandma, called us and told us, he was let out of jail and was missing, she needed us to help find him. My mom and I looked at every bar we thought he would be in; his car was parked in the parking lot of K-mart. As we heard the police and ambulance head towards the bridge, where I was near to my death a couple months before, was my father, going to jump off and commit suicide. The police came up beside him and tazed him. He fell to the ground. They charged him with public intoxication. I wasn’t allowed to see him for ninety days, they got a divorce, she filed for full custody, but when he gets out of jail, I have to visit him every other weekend. This was hard; I’ve never seen my dad cry so much. He lived with his mom, for the rest of his life. My sister was born a month later, my dad was so happy. We named her Nicole. That didn’t make him stop drinking though, it got worse, he had to pay for child support for 4 kids, plus also all the drinking and driving charges. He tried to get help, but he just couldn’t do it. Times moved on, I got older. My dad stopped caring, he stopped calling. He’s gotten into more trouble with the law. I was thirteen going to be fourteen soon, it was a cold Monday night, and beginning of what would be summer, May 16, 2011. I remember that night. I found my true friend, and I realized how much I cared for my father, when my mother could care less about him because of the heartache he has caused us. My brother’s mom called my mom, and told her the news; she took us out for ice cream and waited for her sister/ my aunt to get to our house. She sat my sister and I down in her room, my aunt by my side, a tear fell down her face, I just knew it. I felt it deep inside my heart that my father died. When she finally said, “Charles is dead, he died last night.” I couldn’t help it, I was sick to my stomach. I know what you are thinking, “how could you care about someone that didn’t care about you before and almost let you fall to your death.” Well, I think everyone should be forgiven. I needed a friend that night, so I called my best friend Rose down, since she doesn’t live that far away. She came down in a flash. She knew by the tone in my voice I wasn’t well. She helped me through it all.

He died of a heart attack, no surprise there. I had to go to school the next day, I didn’t want to, but I had to. I wasn’t the same; I got in a fight that day, left early with my aunt. I didn’t go the rest of the week. The funeral was Wednesday. My brothers were older now. John was twenty-one, and Allen was seventeen, so much time has passed. I haven’t seen them for awhile. It was so hard. He lied there, cold and unreal. I wrote him a little poem. It went a little like this.

“My father may have made mistakes, and done some things that were bad, but aren’t we all human? Now that he is up there in heaven, he can start over. Daddy, you will be missed, by everyone. I love and miss you already.”

Everyone stood up and applauded and wept. I left as soon as I could, I couldn’t take it. I gave my father one last kiss, and they closed the coffin lid.

A couple months has gone by, I was a troubled teen. I started drinking, and smoking. I was always getting in fights with my mother and people at school, I started hurting myself. I felt that my father’s death was my fault. What if I called more? Told him I loved him every now and again. Maybe he would still be here. My life, it was going downhill, till I met Scott. It was the end of September, 4 months has gone by since he died. I met Scott through a good friend of mine, he was in the same situation except that his parents a banded him when he was born. We both had a lot in common, which then started the true love we shared. I should’ve let him be there for me when I needed him the most, but I just ignored his help, as for everyone else’s. Even though I was so happy to be around him, I still felt I wasn’t good enough for the world, and still thought it was my fault for my father’s death.

October 10th, 2011 was the day I realized, my life meant so much to Scott. It was a cold Monday night. We were in his pickup, goin home to drop me off. As we sat in the parked grass in the middle of a field, I lied my head against him, and asked.

“Do you ever think about the future? What do you see?”

He replied, “What do you see?”

“I’m Serious” as I sat up.

He said, as a tear fell from his eye, “You, I see you...”

Then, he takes me hand, and puts it on his heart and asked, “What do you see?”

I couldn’t help myself, I started to cry. I ran out of the truck. He chased after me. After he caught up, he held me close in his arms, and started to cry as he said the words I will never forget.

“Babe, Please don’t ever run away from me, I just wanna make things right, I’m right here, and I ain’t goin’ anywhere. Our love is strong and it won’t give up on us. Babe, Love don’t run…”

We lied beneath the sky till the break of dawn, just talking about everything. Everything was perfect, till the day my life ended…

October 15th, 2011, 5months ago this day, I lost my father. As of this day, I will be spending the rest of whatever happens to us when we die with him and everyone else. It was the hardest day of my life, because Scott died, he was in a horrible car accident on his way to pick me up, when they recovered stuff from his car, there was a letter. To me, and a box right beside it. The letter read...

“Dear Renee,

You are the greatest thing that has happened to me, I don’t know what I would do without you. For as close as we are, I want you to tell me when you’re sad, and what’s bothering you. I want to help you; I don’t want to lose you. I will wait, for however long it takes till you want me to know how I can help you, even if it kills me. Monday night, I meant everything I said to you. I had a dream last night, I saw my whole life without you. It was terrible; I can’t live without your love. You are all I ever want. Without you, I’m nothing. I wanna be with you forever; I know what I must ask. I can’t wait to ask you tonight. I love you, Renee.

Love, Scott”

As I read the letter, I fell to the ground, and broke down. I wanted to be alone, better yet dead. The love of my life died. It’s my fault, if he wasn’t coming over that day, he wouldn’t be dead. Now, I have no one that understands me, help me get through anything. Why God? Are you trying to tell me something, if so what is!? I opened the box later that night; it had a ring in it with a little piece of paper, reading “To the love of my life, our love is strong enough to get us through anything.” Iran to the spot where his life ended, I lied on the cold ground and whispered into the dark night, “I saw you…. I saw you.” That was night I realized I couldn’t live without him. I Laid there in my bed, didn’t hesitate and pulled the trigger. I’m halfway to heaven. With my face down on the pillow clanging to his picture for dear life, they laid me next to him beneath the willow, as we look down on all the people in our lives and grateful we are together again.

It took my family a while to understand how I was feeling that night and what they could’ve done. They’ve moved on in life. Nicole went on to college to help teens with depression and struggling with their lives. John went to college also, to be a doctor so he can save many lives, because the doctors could’ve saved Scott, but they just let him go. Allen joined the army, he served for 3 years, and one afternoon, at his tent site, a bullet came out of nowhere and got him in the back of the head. I talk to him every day. My mom she’s doing great, found herself a decent husband from what I can tell, with another baby on the way. I got another sister. I think I’ll visit her when she is born. My daddy, he gotten really better up here, we talk every day. He’s sorry for all the drama he has caused me, my mom and sister. Lastly, Scott and I, in the heaven we are in, we got married, and living a spiritual life. Thanks to God, Our lives couldn’t get any better than this.

It’s been a couple months, everyone is doin’ fine. All except my mom. Turns out, my mom’s husband, he wasn’t as decent as I thought he was. He didn’t care at all about anyone but himself. My mom couldn’t deal with the pain anymore, she’s better off alone. She’s done it before. She raised Nicole and I all by herself. I love my mom, I’m going to help her anyway I possibly can up here...

Life can be a movie, but when it’s time for a new start, you’ll never know what will happen. Don’t live in the past; don’t live in the future, live for today, and love like you never loved before, if today was your last day. Don’t give up. Fight for what you want.

God bless all.