To The Edge

To The Edge
Nikky Chumak

“I don’t want to live to waste another day underneath the shadow of my mistakes I made because I feel like I’m breaking inside.” This is the quote I live my life by, if you’d really call it living. My names Kat Bloom I’m a senior in high school, captain of my cheerleading team, I run track, and am involved in drama club. People would say I have everything but I don’t think I have anything at all. I have green eyes and black hair, id say I’m about 5’ 4” and fairly skinny. Jason Taxon is the guy I’ve been with since I was a freshman in high school The exact date is 7-21-2008. He has gorgeous blonde hair and blue eyes, about 5’ 9”, very muscular and plays hockey for the school. He’s the only person in this world I can trust with everything in me. It’s the relationship I’ve always wanted the kind where you’d pass someone in the hallway and they’d stop you to say “ Wow it’s been 4 years for you guys, huh?” or “ I wish me and my boyfriend were like you two, it’s so cute!” Yup, that’s the kind of relationship we have. We’ve been engaged for the past year and are planning on getting married in April of 2012, a month before he leaves for boot camp.
June 25th, 2011.
Tonight me and Jason are going to Jays party. I’m being a playmate and he’s being Hue Heffner. It’s going to be so fun. My parents think we’re just going to have a nice night of watching movies at Jason’s house, but I mean we’ll be there around one. I’m kind of scared to go because my ex Ryan is going to be there and he’s pretty violent when he drinks. I remember back when we were dating one night we were in his living room laying on the floor cuddling under blankets and watching some horror movies, they were our favorite kind of movie at the time, we started arguing and all of a sudden he jumped up shouting at me then went a punched the wall. I tried calming him down and talking some sense into him but he wouldn’t listen. He knocked the vase off the end table, grabbed his car keys and stormed out of the house. The whole time he was gone I was crying cause he had been drinking, it was probably about an hour later that I got the call that he had been in a car accident. I ran to the car and got in; I was numb the whole way to the hospital. Shortly after that is when I left him. Jason knows all about my past with him so he’s not too happy with the fact that Ryan is going to be there, but we have mutual friends so it’s bound to happen.
July 27th, 2011.
I don’t know how to tell Jason what happened the night of the party and it’s been eating me up inside. So basically here’s what happened. Jason left with his friend to go get more beer and I was just sitting there talking to Jenny waiting for him to get back. Now just remember I’ve had like 4 beers and a countless number of shots. Ryan came over and asked if I wanted a drink, he was being nice so I figured why not. We went into the kitchen to take a shot, when some kid spilled it all over me. Ryan took me upstairs to get me a change of clothes I fell on the bed and then I blacked out for at least an hour. He left me there by myself and went back downstairs. I finally came to, changed my clothes and went downstairs. Jason wasn’t there so I asked Jenny where he went. She said “he went driving to look for you, we couldn’t find you anywhere!’ Like that’s great he went out driving after he was drinking to look for me when I was only in the very back bedroom. I called Jason like 20 times and he finally answered. This is how the conversation went:
“Kat, is this you?” He asked.
“Yeah I passed out in the back bedroom but I’m still here, please come back.” I replied.
“Alright babe, I’m on my way right now.”
I was so relieved when he answered the phone! I didn’t know if something happened to him or not. Mostly everyone had cleared out and I fell asleep on the couch in one of Jays t-shirts. So I guess when Jason came in the door he just crawled up on the couch with me and fell asleep, I didn’t feel a thing. I just don’t know how to tell Jason what happened. What happened with me and Ryan I didn’t consent to it. I’m just so scared.
August 4th, 2011.
I have an even bigger problem now, I’m pregnant. Jason has no idea yet but I’m telling him tonight when he comes to get me. I hope the reaction isn’t too bad. I don’t know what I would do if he left me. I love that kid with all my heart. I mean I wouldn’t be engaged to him if I wasn’t in love with him.
September 4th, 2011.
It’s been a month today exactly since Jason left me. I don’t know what to do anymore, I lost the one person in my life that kept me sane and on this earth. I only have to live for 8 more months and then I can die. I don’t want this baby. I want everything back to how it was before. Jason left me the house and he still pays the rent on it. He told me he’d continue to pay it until I had the baby, then I have to leave. My mom doesn’t want me in her house cause I’m pregnant and my dad is to far gone in my life to even ask for his help. So I’m stuck alone in this house for the next nine months. Jason comes around sometimes to ask how I’m feeling and to make sure the house is still intact. He has a new girlfriend already, that’s where he’s been staying. She comes around when he comes around, she seems pretty nice and everything but I just can’t stand to see them two together cause he was mine and I still consider him mine. I’m always going to love him, I just want him back.
October 7th, 2011.
So two months have been dragging by. I miss Jason like crazy, I feel like I’m dying on the inside. I don’t go to school anymore cause I cant deal with the criticism and harassment. I’m due sometime in March. I’m kinda looking forward to it but I’m really scared I just want this kid out of me. What if my baby comes out with problems because of my depression. I’ve been drinking so much lately my days just kind of run together. Jason called the other night. He apologized for everything that had happened. I didn’t know what to say so I just kind of started to cry. I asked for him back and he told me no, he still loved me but after everything that happened and since I was pregnant to another man he couldn’t be involved with me.
December 2nd, 2011.
So my mom came to the house and dropped some money and food off. This is the first time I’ve seen her since I got pregnant. She still didn’t look to happy with me. I miss the affection she used to give me, I mean it wasn’t much but it was more than this. My dad isn’t really coming to see me either but he calls me when moms at work just to check up on me. My stomach is so big right now. It’s been 6 months. I haven’t been to the doctors yet because of all the cuts and burns on my wrist. They can’t see them, I don’t want help I don’t want to be stopped. Only 3 more months of this then I can go through with it.
January 29th, 2012.
This sucks, I’ve been so sick. Laying in bed is all I do all day, theres no point in anything. I went out to the store yesterday for the first time in awhile. A lot of people where shocked that I was still alive. I guess there had been a rumor around school that I died. Like are you serious. Most of the girls who were on the Cheer Team were outside the grocery store trying to raise money for one stupid thing or another. As I was walking in the one girl stopped me and I for the life of me could not remember her name. She was talking up a storm when I saw a guy who I swore looked just like Ryan walk into the store. I told the girl it was nice talking to her again. Following after Ryan the best I could he finally stopped. I grabbed him by the arm spun him around and starting screaming at him about how he ruined my life. He kept tellin me to shut up and grabbed my shoulders, I don’t know how it happened but all I know is my hand went flying right across his face. The next thing I knew I was on the ground.
February 10th, 2012.
Last night I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t, there was too much on my mind. Like how Ryan hit me in the store, he hit me right in the stomach really hard. I had a miscarriage. What was on my mind the most was the wedding. Jason and I were supposed to get married in less than two months and he was leaving for boot camp the month after that. I found all of the pictures that he had packed away of us and everything we were supposed to take to the new house down on base. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the first place but I was really looking forward to this baby. I was excited to be a mom. I called Jason a few hours ago and told him that I lost the baby. He could tell my depression was getting worse so he left his girl and moved back home. He noticed all the scars and I’ve tried killing myself twice since he’s been home. He’s scared for me I can tell, he hardly sleeps but always makes sure I sleep. He barely eats but makes sure I have enough. I wish he’d take care of himself.


March 13th, 2012.
I was supposed to of had the baby two days ago. It’s so upsetting that it didn’t happen. Surprisingly Jason was upset too. He had to go back to work today so this is my first full day alone in awhile. I hate thinking like this but I just need out and this is my only escape. I hate thinking about him walking in and finding me, but this is my only real chance to do it.
March 19th, 2012.
This is Jason. I thought she’d be fine alone for one day but I guess I was wrong. Her viewing was on the 15th and her burial was on the 17th. I miss her so much. She was the love of my life and the only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with. When I walked in the bathroom after work there she was just laying on the floor. There was a note in her one hand and a knife in the other. The note was signed with my name. I grabbed it careful not to touch her body. It said;
“Jason I’m so sorry but it had to be this way. You’ve made my life so wonderful. I’ve never felt anything for someone else like I feel for you. It’s the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way your eyes glow when you see me. I love the butterflies we still have for each other, how we can be the biggest dorks with each other, and how even though we broke up for those months I’ve never stopped loving you and I know you didn’t stop loving me either. I’m sorry I didn’t make it to our wedding day. The only thing I wanted in life was to be married to you and to spend all my life with you. You’re my dream baby my one and only dream. All of our memories are in a box in the back of the attic I packed them up last night, and even though im gone I want you to be happy. Just know that every time you see a star that’s me telling you I love you. Goodbye. 7/21/2008 ”. After I read this I swear I just fell on the ground crying and holding her. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed 911 to have an ambulance sent to the house. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes upon. Every time our glances met I instantly fell in love with her all over again. Her beautiful green eyes and her gorgeous white smile. I miss everything about her and I just want her back home in my arms one last time. I leave for boot camp on May 15th. I’ve never taken our wedding rings off. I’ll die with them on. I just don’t understand why she did it. I know she didn’t think she had everything but she had everything she needed. She had me, her mom, and her dad. I’ll see you soon babe, you will never leave my heart.