Cold Heart

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
Samuel Beckett


Ever since I was a child my parents used to tell me that when I grow up, I’m going to be different. Extraordinary. That I was going to see the world and all of its wonders and do amazing things. They had such hope, such faith in me. From the first moment I opened my eyes, I’d known what love meant and what it felt like to be loved. I would look back at those days now and remind myself that one day I would be happy again, that I would live again. Unfortunately, living had a different meaning to me than it did to everyone else.

Maybe because when I was 18 years old I watched almost everyone I ever cared about, die. I had died myself in that moment too but woke up for a new life soon after. And then I realized I had changed. My heart was no longer beating and every inch in my body was numb from the pain.

It was late at night, when they attacked me and my family. My little brother was up late, playing games with my dad, as I was buried in my book, just like every night before that. My mother was always busy cleaning up the place, as she believed it was never clean. I felt a rush of wind as the doors flew open and they stormed in. Their eyes were bloody red and their claws were sharp. Although their faces were human enough, their moves were animal like. I heard my mom scream as I started running downstairs. My little brother’s blood was spilled all over as was my father’s. I couldn’t think. My mind had blocked and everything was moving in slow pace, prolonging the agony. When I got to the kitchen, it was too late. One of them had its teeth into my mother’s neck and as it saw me come in, dropped her lifeless body to the ground. After that, I didn’t even have the time to scream.

How I survived, I’ll probably never know. But I remember I fought for every breath, every last beat of my heart, as the life slowly left me. At some point, I couldn’t even feel the pain anymore. I was numb, waiting for death or salvation but neither came.

That was 1568. The year I’ll never forget no matter how many years passed. I had eternity to live, love, do the extraordinary things my parents always believed I would but that never came either. I was living my live as if I were actually dead. I couldn’t believe there was anyone who was more miserable than I was. But I was wrong.

CHAPTER 1
Strange Fate

Early mornings were never my thing. I woke up in my hotel room and closed the curtains. The blinding sun was the last thing I needed. Unless I waned to burn like a torch, which didn’t feel like such a bad idea sometimes. I put on some old clothes, jeans and a red t-shirt, pulled my long dark brown hair back and put on a hat. That didn’t do much good out there, but I was taking the tunnel so I didn’t worry too much.

I went to Willy’s bar just as I did every Friday morning. He wasn’t surprised anymore to see me early in the morning there and always welcomed me with a first cup of whiskey. When he saw me walk in, he smiled and put the bottle on the table.
“Lizzie. Never late.” He said and took my coat. Elizabeth Rinehart. Born Elizabeth Moore, change due to some violations of the law.
“How’s the heart, Willy?” I asked. He had a heart condition, he had told me. Not that I didn’t know it already as my super vampire hearing had worked its way in. His heartbeat was uneven, especially when he was around women. He was almost 58 years old and still in the game. He was good, I had to admire that.
“I’m healthy as a horse, kid. You know that.” He laughed hard and picked up the bottle.
“Be careful with that.” I warned, joking. He looked at me mockingly.
“When you’re my age, you get a say, but now listen to the old ones.” He said and drank. I laughed quietly. If only he knew how wrong he was.
“Okay then. Drink up.” I said and we both emptied our glasses. I looked around the bar as he swallowed. There were some new faces I hadn’t seen here before. An old woman with pearl around her neck probably walked in by mistake as she was looking around scared. A 16-17 year old girl with short skirt and a tiny top. Her hair was dirty and she was smoking a cigarette. She was probably looking to make some money. Well, she had the wrong place, I thought. And another unfamiliar face. A young man, probably in his 20s, with short golden hair and muscular body. He was walking around with a picture, showing it to everyone.
“Have you seen her?” He was asking but nobody really paid attention.
“Who is this guy?” I asked Willy.
“Oh, that’s Jesse. His sister went missing a few nights ago. He says she was last seen here, but nobody remembers her. He comes here every night ever since.”
I looked back at him. He was rushing from one man to another, making detailed descriptions and waiting for an answer but never getting one. I stood up and walked to him. He was just questioning Harry Davis who was the last person he should be asking as Harry was always drunk.
“He doesn’t know anything. He’s always drunk.” I said. He looked back at me and his deep blue eyes pierced through me.
“Do you…Have you seen her?” He asked after a moment of just staring at me. I looked at the picture. I couldn’t remember feeding off of her but then again I never killed anyone. Almost never.
“No, I’m sorry. How long has she been gone?”
”8 days. And the police wouldn’t do a damn thing. They say she probably ran away. But I know she didn’t. She wouldn’t.” His eyes were full of sadness when he looked down at his sister. I could barely remember what it felt like to feel for somebody.
“The police won’t help you. They never do.”
He looked at me and narrowed his eyes.
“What’s you name?” He asked.
“Elizabeth.”
“Jesse.”
“I know. Willy told me you’ve been coming here every day.”
“I just can’t sit aside and wait.” He gasped. “But I have a bad feeling.”
So do I, I thought but couldn’t say it out loud. But what was I even doing? I couldn’t help him, couldn’t ease his pain even if I wanted to. Realizing that, I started backing away. He caught my arm.
“Wait. If you hear anything, please call me.” He handed my one of the flayers and pointed at the phone number written on it. “Please.” He said again.
“Okay.”  He looked at me one more time, smiled and then continued questioning the drunkies.

He came the day after and the day after that, but there was difference in his face. He wasn’t as hopeful as he was the first time I had seen him. I watched every step he took, even followed him a few times as he crossed the street in hopeless attempts to get his sister back. She was dead already, I knew that. And somehow, I couldn’t tell him. Something in that tortured, tired face wouldn’t let me hurt him.

He became obsessed with finding her in the last weeks. He would stay out late at night, alone in the dark, searching for what had been long lost. And there I was, following him in the shadows, lurking like a lion waiting for its pray. I never revealed myself at him. I would walk away from the bar, just before he is about to come in.

But then, one night, he never came to Willy’s bar. I waited and waited, but he never showed. The flayer with his sister was still standing there, untouched but her beloved brother was nowhere to be seen.
“Hey, Willy, where’s Jesse?” I asked.
“Oh, didn’t you hear?”
”Hear what?”
”They found his sister today. I heard she was killed.”
I froze. They had found her. But how? When? All of my senses, natural and supernatural were speeding up, eager to follow the lead. I left him some money and flew out. My first stop was the police station, but there was nothing to be seen there. The cops didn’t seem alarmed and the things they were talking about had nothing to do with Jesse or his sister. I could even hear the heavy breathing of a man, who was on the fifth floor. I turned around, unnoticed and headed for the morgue. It was already closed so I threw myself at a window on the eight floor and effortlessly snuck in.

The bodies were covered but I could see their faces through the thin sheet. None of them seemed to look like her, not even close. I went through every floor, every room, but she wasn’t there. New York was a big city, I thought, maybe they took her somewhere else. But big or not, my instincts were telling me there was something wrong, and I had to trust them.

Every Sunday I would visit Marc. He was 22 years old and I had known him ever since he was 19. He was the only person I could trust. He knew who I was, what I was, and over the years he had asked me countless times to turn him into a vampire like me. But I told him that I would never do what was done to me.
I met Marc right after his girlfriend, Anna, had died in a car wreck. He was crushed and lost and didn’t believe life was worth living anymore. I found him just as he was about to jump from a very high bridge. I talked him out of it and since then he was my dearest friend, the one who I didn’t hide in front.

Growing old was a bit of an issue for him. I had refused to turn him so since we met he grew older while I stayed the same. He always remembered to mention that when we met.

He had a small apartment on the outskirts of the city, which was annoying as it took me a lot of time to get there. I had the habit of always brining him his favorite turkey sandwich. I knew he was all alone in the world, since he had lost his girlfriend, just like me. And just like me, from time to time, he needed someone to talk to. Or to share with, in his case. I barely talked when we met. He would go over the book he had read, when I wasn’t there, the movies he had seen. He never left his apartment for anything else but to get groceries, which he didn’t do very often. I knew it was wrong to leave him like, but somehow I imagined what it was like for me and how I hated anyone who tried to bug into my life.

When I knocked on his door, he quickly opened. He was wearing old pair of jeans, a dirty shirt and some huge glasses on. His long dark hair was a mess.
“Look at you. Ever heard of a shower?” I joked and he smiled guiltily. “What have you been doing?” I asked and he walked inside as I followed him.
There were pictures of his girlfriend all over the place, scattered. It was dark inside, although I could see perfectly.
“This isn’t good for you.” I said when he started putting them away. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”
I never understood love. I had rarely felt it, except for my parents and that was a really long time ago. I knew he loved her more than anything and it was only a few years since she had died.
“I can’t…I feel like there’s something in my head, waiting to explode. I don’t know what it is…It makes me do all of these things.” He pointed at the pictures.
“Marc, you’re sick. Maybe it’s time you get some help.”
He laughed. “Look who’s talking.”
“It’s not the same with me and you know it. I can’t be around people for other reasons.”
“Why not? You’re not hurting anyone.”
“Maybe but it doesn’t change what I am.” I turned on the TV, where the news was on.
“More missing people have been reported since yesterday morning. The police have no clues to where they might be or what the connection between them is. Stay tuned for more.”
“What the hell is wrong with these people?” Marc said but I didn’t hear him as I was staring at the TV.
“Marc, I have to go.” I took my purse and left.
“Wait! What?!” He yelled from behind me but I was already gone.

I walked through the streets, looking around paranoid. Something was definitely wrong in this city and there was more that it met the eye, I knew. Lurking in the dark, just like me, there were others. Although I had never met them, I knew they existed. I was living proof of that. But keeping a low profile like me didn’t seem to suit all of them. Of course, I could be wrong. There were a lot of vicious people out there who didn’t need the supernatural to do horrible things. At least we had the excuse of being what we are. What was theirs?

I sat on a bench, waiting for the subway when a hand touched my shoulder. I quickly turned around, my eyes aching. I closed them quickly, making myself believe I was overreacting and then faced him. Jesse was smiling down at me, his light hair going on all directions.
“Hey. Sorry if I scared you.” He said and I smiled.
“No, it’s okay. It takes a lot more to scare me.” At least that wasn’t a lie.
“I saw you from across the street and I followed you here.”
”Oh.” I looked at him as he sat next to me. “I heard about your sister. I’m sorry.”
In that moment, his eyes darkened, he rolled his hand into a fist. It took him a while to concentrate again.
“Thank you. I still can’t believe it. One moment she was here and the next…nothing more than lifeless body.”
His expression changed a few times. So much emotions going through him in seconds that for the first time in a long time, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking about. He smiled again after a while.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk to you like that. Here.” He handed me a sheet of paper. There was a phone number on it.
“Call me. We can brood together sometime.”
I smiled wearily as he left. I went too far. I couldn’t do this, could I?

But day after day I wondered. Why not? I wouldn’t hurt him. This was a chance for me to have a real life. So one day I picked up the phone and strangely enough, I didn’t regret it.

Weeks were passing by and Jesse and I were closer than ever. I never believed before that I could find someone who would like me for what I am. But day after day I had to remind myself that I could never really be myself with him. As time was passing, we became even more honest with each other, or at least I think he did. But not me. I had to hide things from him more than ever.

We were walking down an alley a Saturday night, listening to the sounds coming from the nearest bars.
“Hey, you never told me anything about yourself, about your family. What are they like?” He asked as we walked.
“They’re dead.” I answered automatically, hoping he would drop the subject.
“Oh, I’m sorry. What happened?”
“They were killed. The police never found out what really happened to them.” We stopped in the park and sat on a bench.
“It’s a little scary here at night, don’t you think?” He asked when we sat next to each other.
“I like the night and I’m not afraid of the dark.”
”Hm. Brave girl.” An expression I couldn’t comprehend crossed his face for a sec but just like always, he quickly hid it.
“I never thought of what’s out there, in the dark.” He said and looked at the sky. “Have you?”
“Sometimes.” I said, turning away from him. Lying wasn’t one of my many talents, but it wasn’t one of his either. “I try not to. It’s easier.”
“I don’t think so. I mean, if you know what’s out there, then you can fight it. You’d have a chance; you wouldn’t be just a random victim.”
“Where did this come from?” I tried to make it into a joke although I knew he wasn’t joking at all.
“I just think that we should be prepared. Nothing is what it seems.” He looked me in the eye and I smiled innocently.
“I guess you’re right.” I nodded.
He seemed like he wanted to say something else but he didn’t speak. Instead, he took my hand and moved closer to me. As he leaned down and kissed me, my body exploded. I didn’t think I could loose control of something as simple as a kiss, but there it was – the undeniable hunger, working its way through me. If I don’t stop someone’s going to get hurt, I thought. His hands were buried in me hair, mine on his neck, as fire was racing through us both. I pulled away suddenly, breathing heavily, without really needing to. His eyes started focused on me, like he was measuring my reaction. I turned around, as my eyes turned red.
“Are you okay?” His voice was quiet, although not as surprised as he should’ve been.
“I’m fine. Give me a minute.” My head slowly stopped spinning and I turned back to face him. His eyes were narrowed and focused. “I’m sorry, that was rude.” I laughed lightly. He smiled a little.
“It’s okay. It happens.” He took my hand and pulled me up. “We should get going. It’s not safe here.” He said and led the way.
In that moment I felt something in the air. I don’t know if it was because he had said it, but there was definitely something evil about this place. And not just here. I was feeling it everywhere I went lately. But whether it was because of something real or just my own insecurity of revealing him the truth, I couldn’t tell. All I knew was that I wasn’t going to leave things this way. Something had to be done, especially since there was someone in my life I cared about now.

The week passed slowly, as Jesse hadn’t called me yet. I didn’t want to read too much into it, as I knew it was probably not what I was thinking. My inner voice was telling me something’s wrong and my natural instincts were to follow him and find out what that was but I tried to resist it as the hours were speeding away and my worry got worse.

I never really had much of a will myself, so I rather way, I couldn’t resist. I waited until the sun set and I was invisible enough to walk by him unnoticed. First, I made my way to his apartment but he wasn’t there, I could tell even just by looking at the windows. He had a very specific aura, I could sense everywhere. Or maybe he was just familiar to me now, I don’t know. I crossed the street, following the scent and tracking him down silently. I wasn’t sure if it was just my imagination, but something hadn’t been right. You need to have confidence in yourself, I told myself as the doubts kicked in.

The streets were full of people that time a night. Everyone was busy, going to clubs, drinking, taking drugs, even worse. I could feel every one of their emotions. I always hated that part of being a vampire. There was the pain, the pleasure, the fear. Same mixture of them. Sometimes, it was harder for me to tell one from another as they were all too connected nowadays. But there was love too, I could tell. It had a different vibration to it, different tone. The aura surrounding people in love was bright golden, as if they extraordinary or gifted, as if they were the luckiest people in the world. But their happiness usually didn’t last long.

I had been around a long time as seeing what I had seen can make you look at the world as if it were a hopeless place for people with no future. I tried not to think that. But it was hard for me to remember the good stuff, as evil was destroying everything it touched. And now it was here again, I knew it. I knew I had to fight it.

I walked through the corner of 23rd and Main and followed his unusual aura as it went inside an abandoned building. It was old and ugly, the windows were broken. The front door was open and there was light inside. I heard voices talking, but something seemed to have blocked the sounds, so I couldn’t make out the words. Curious, I peaked inside. A black man with cell phone in his hands, a woman with long white dress and another man I couldn’t see. Could it be Jesse? I couldn’t tell. I stepped away from the window and prepared to jump through the second story window. I jumped up, using all of my strength but before I knew it, something blocked my path and with fierce force, pushed me out. I fell hard on the ground, breaking my leg. I got up slowly, gasping and lifted my jeans. The blood was pouring our of the wound and the bone was out. I used my finger to press down the bone until it was inside again. Then the wound slowly healed. Pissed off enough, I walked away, hiding myself as some of the windows from the other buildings opened.

Confused, I made my way to Marc, as it was closer than my place. He was asleep but I continued ringing until he opened.
“What the hell is…?!” He screamed, opening the door.
He saw my bloody hands and nodded, leading me inside.
“What happened?” He took out a first aid kit and handed it to me. I shoved it away, angry.
“I’ll be fine!” I screamed and started washing my hands. He came to me in the bathroom. I looked into the mirror, but the only reflection there was Marcs. His face was concerned.
“Are you going to tell me who did this to you?”
”Not who. What.”
He looked at me confused as I washed my face.
“What do you mean ‘what’? Another vampire?”
”No. It was a trap. For vampires.”
“What? How is that even possible?”
”I don’t know, okay! Just leave me alone for a second!” I screamed and lowered my head, as I felt my control slipping.
“But…” He started to disagree, but I turned to him, eyes red.
“Please…I need a minute.” He stepped away from me, scared and closed the bathroom door behind.

A sat on the cold, marble floor and concentrated in healing my wounds. Even after almost 500 years, I hadn’t learned to control myself, not completely. I had to be able to control the things I can do without being in a blind rage first. At the moment, I felt conflicted. What was I really scared of? The fact that someone knew vampires existed or that Jesse obviously had something to do with it. Told you so, my inner voice whispered as I recalled the last few weeks we had spent together. I shouldn’t have done it. Letting someone in would only cause me pain. I knew it and I did it anyway. The harder I looked for answers, the more I wasn’t sure I really wanted to find them.

I looked at my hands. There were no longer scratches on them, they were completely healed. I touched my face, no fractures there either. That was the good news. The bad news was that I felt more insecure than ever. I had let someone in, though not completely, and got hurt by it.

I felt like the thing that was really bugging me was the unknown. In all of my years I had never had anything I didn’t understand, anything I could doubt. The world, even with some changes over the generations, was basically the same. People were different, though…obviously.

My thoughts were spreading, making ridiculous assumptions as hunger filled through me. The fall must have drained all of my strength. I needed to feed and fast. And…Marc shouldn’t be on the menu; I thought as I left the bathroom and went to the living room, where he was watching the news probably trying to find out what I didn’t want to tell him.
“Hey.” I handed him the towel. He seemed relieved to see me well. And sane.
”How are you?”
”All healed. I’m sorry about before. I know I scared you.”
”No, I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have interfered.” He turned back to the TV. Okay, so not only had I scared him but I had hurt his feelings too. Wow, humans were so complicated. I braced myself, pushing away the hunger, and sat next to him on the couch. He didn’t move at all.
”Look, there are some things that I can’t tell you. And it’s not because I don’t trust you, because you know I do but because…there are things that are dangerous for you to know. Do you understand?”
”I understand.” He simply said. Okay, I wasn’t going to push it. I stood up and started leaving. He stopped me.
“Hey. Wait.”  Marc took something out of the closet and handed it to me. It was a necklace.
“What is it?” I asked confused. It had a golden sapphire on it and a beautiful black diamond in the middle.
“It’s just something I made for you. It should protect you from any kind of force field and a spell, made to repel vampires.”
I looked up at him astonished.
“How did you do it?”
”I…I was really good at history at school. I remembered how I read about some old legend. People used a golden sapphire to protect themselves from anything supernatural. I think it should work for you too, so…take it.”
I smiled at him and took his hand.
“Thank you. Be careful, okay? There are some things...powerful things, that I don’t even understand and they…just take care. And if there’s something unusual call me, anytime.”
He shook my hand and hugged me.

On the other morning, I couldn’t wake up. I had fed last night after I left Marc’s place but I seemed to need more. I was beginning to think that force filed did something more than just repel me. I got up slowly, but my head started spinning. The hunger was increasing with every minute.

I decided that the best way to find out what happened to me was to go back to that place. The building seemed as abandoned as before but I knew better. I knew someone was watching it. I braced myself and touched the door. Nothing happened. It didn’t shock me, or anything else.
“Can I help you?”
I turned around and saw a man, looking at me curiously. I took my hood off and stepped back from the sun.
“Can you tell me something? Who lives here?”
”Oh, no one. The place has been abandoned for years. The previous owners left suddenly but because the house is still their property, we couldn’t sell it. It’s a shame, though. It’s a really nice house.”  He nodded and smiled.
“Yes, it is.”

My next stop was the city hall. I sneaked inside and started looking for the records’ room. The door were locked and needed a pass card. I looked around and saw a guard. I untied my hair, letting it fall all over my shoulders beautifully, then took off my jacket and put on a huge, fake smile on my face.
“I’m sorry, I’m lost. Can you show me the bathroom?”
The man turned around and shot me a huge cocked smile.
“Sure, babe.”
He led the way out, in the corridor. I waited until there were no people there.
“So what are you doing here anyway?”
”I’m on a mission.”
He stopped and looked at me, still smiling.
“Oh, is that so?”
I nodded and he laughed. When he turned around to continue walking, I hit him in the head hard and he fell on the ground. I bended over him and took out his card.
“Thanks…babe.”

The records’ room was a mess. It seemed like no one has been in there for a very long time. I started looking through the files, pictures, any building which was on the same street. It was an old Victorian mansion, so fortunately, there were very few of them. Finally, I found the one I was looking for. The file said that the owners were Harrison and Jenna Harding but after only three months of living there, they moved out with no obvious reason. One day they just took off and never came back. There was something about the house, I thought, or someone had killed them and used the house as a trap for those like me. I heard someone’s footsteps coming closer, so I took the file and jump out of the window. I landed in the middle of the road and a few people were staring at me with wonder. I took off running immediately.

I went through the file a few more times, but I couldn’t find anything suspicious. The only weird thing was that several times, a company named “Primcraft” tried to buy the place, but their request was refused every time. I searched “Primcraft” too but it was just a traveling agency, nothing else. At least, not as far as I could tell.

The next day, Jesse called me. I hadn’t slept almost the whole night, searching through archives, so when the phone rang I barely heard it.
“Hello?”
“Hey, stranger. Did I wake you?” His voice was weirdly cheerful.
“No, it’s okay.”
”I wanted to ask you if you wanted to grab a coffee today or something, catch up.”
‘Okay…How about 11 o’clock, Trace Park.”
”Yeah, see you there.”

He jumped all over me when I arrived, hiding under a hat and a coat. He hugged me tightly, his hands searching under the clothes. It felt strangely awkward. My hand was suddenly exposed to the sun and started burning up. As soon as I was aware, I pushed him back and dragged him to a less flammable place.

My heard was racing when we got inside a barn near the park, and not just from the almost-burned to dust-situation.
“Hey, what’s the matter with you? What…?” But I couldn’t finish. His mouth was suddenly on mine, kissing me passionately, insanely.
My body tensed, as I tried to not lose control like last time. My heart pounced back and fort, my head spinning. I had never felt anything even remotely close to this in my almost 500 years. All of this time, I knew that many things were missing in my life but that wasn’t one of them. I didn’t think I needed someone, who would be just mine and be there for me and love me, no matter what.

Of course, I knew that was too much to ask. Even now with Jesse. He didn’t know the whole truth; otherwise he wouldn’t still be here. I pushed myself closer to him, breathing in every scent of his body. He was already familiar to me. The way he looked, the aura surrounding him and now, even something more than that, more…personal.
He took a deep breath, looked at me and smiled. I smiled back, blushing.
“What was that about?” I asked confused. He took my hand and led me to a bench.
“I just missed you, that’s all.” His eyes were warm, but kind of hesitant. I hated that feeling that always came to me, every time he had that look.
“Okay…Then why didn’t you call me sooner? I thought…”
”I know, I just didn’t have the time. I was really…busy.”
”Want to share?” He smiled, and then closed his eyes.
“No, it’s nothing. I had to get something done.”
Suddenly, a flashback from that night I got hurt, passed thought my mind. I had forgotten that it was him, that I followed that night.
“And did you? Get it done?” I looked at him seriously.
”Yeah, I did.”
“Good.” Suspicion washed through as my mind wandered. I didn’t even want to think about the stuff coming to my mind right now. Maybe it was just a coincidence. But then again, after all I’ve been through, nothing ever turned out to be a coincidence. So I decided that I’d keep my guard up, but not back away from him. Because for the first time in so many years, I didn’t feel lonely in this new world and Jesses was now a part of that.

We spent almost every day together, walking in the shadows. I told him that I was allergic to sun, which wasn’t that big of a lie, and for my surprise, he didn’t ask any questions. I think I was truly happy at that time, but something in my head never let me be completely myself with him. There was a small, hesitant voice in my head that was saying ‘Don’t get too close, there’s something wrong here” and as much as I was trying to ignore it, I knew it wouldn’t be for long. So therefore, I knew my happiness wouldn’t last, but I did what every sane person would do – I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Jesse was working in a factory, delivering letters, and every time he got off work, he would come to my place and we would spent hours just making out on the couch. At the time, I didn’t believe life could get any better.

One afternoon, we were lying on the couch, all wrapped around each other, watching some late TV show, which I was totally ignoring. He kissed my hair and swirled around to kiss him on the mouth.
“Hey, what do you say you come to dinner tomorrow and I introduce you to my parents?”
That kind of shocked me, but in a good way.
“I mean…You don’t think it’s too early, do you?” He asked hesitant.
“No, no. I’d love to meet them.” I smiled at him. “Is there anything I should know before that?” I asked and laughed. He laughed too.
“Like what?”
”I don’t know, something like what they like, what they don’t, something like that? I want to make good impression.”
”They’ll love you. Don’t worry about anything, okay?” He brushed my cheek.
“Okay.”
“I’ll pick you up at 7.”
I nodded. Suddenly, I sensed him tense next to me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked and looked at him. His face looked troubled but only for a while. Then it was back to its ‘normal’ self.
“Are you okay?” I asked, scanning him.
“Yeah…I thought I heard something.”
Relying on my super hearing, I knew there was nothing so I tried to make a joke out of it.
“Paranoid much?” I asked and laughed. He just smiled, but kept a steady, cold expression.

The next day, I spent all of my time scanning through my closet but I couldn’t find anything suitable for meeting someone’s parents. All of my clothes were black and only jeans and t-shirts. Frustrated, I closed it and went out, rounding the shops. I hated shopped ever since there were so much new stuff. I kind of liked the old days, when you didn’t have that much choice in clothes. But now everywhere I looked, there was something completely different.

I entered the Universal shop, took my glasses off and started looking around. All of the shops had different, extravagant things, and they were a little bit not my taste. I stopped in front of one of the shop’s windows and something there caught my eye. A beautiful, long tight purple dress. It looked amazing and I started imagining what it would like on me and how Jesse would react when he saw me. Not realizing, I smiled at myself.
“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” The lady from the shop closed and smiled at me.
“Yeah, it is.”
”Do you want to try it on? It’s going to look amazing on you!” I smiled and nodded.

I was looking at myself in the mirror and the dress was shining on me. I had my hair done and I had to admit this was the first time from a long time that I really felt beautiful. I took a deep breath to calm myself down and then I heard the door bell ring. I opened the door smiling.
“Wow…” He stared at me like that was the first time he’d seen me. I must admit I felt kind of flattered. Then his expression changed once more and something unknown crossed his face. Guilt, maybe? But why?
“Are you okay? You don’t hate purple, do you?”
He laughed carefully.
”No, you…you look beautiful. Really.”
I smiled encouraging. “Well, you don’t look so bad yourself.”
He laughed too.

His parents’ apartment was small, located in the southern side of Brooklyn. It seemed like they didn’t have much money but the place was cozy anyway. But something in it made me feel unsure, I don’t know why. His mother was a blond, skinny 40 year old woman and his dad was unusually perky for…a dad. They took everything quite well…a little too well, I think. It sometimes seemed like they had a whole scenario that the night was planned onto. I smiled and laughed whenever it was necessary, talked about myself – a little, not giving too much away, and listened to what they had to say.

Looking at them like that – a real family made me feel nostalgic about y own. Even though many years had passed, I could still remember them, every little detail. Some things became blurry over the years but they always stuck with me. Sometimes, when I am in trouble, I’d liked to think that they were with me, watching over, guiding me.

The more the memories came back, the harder it was for me to forget what my mission was ever since they were murdered. I tried not to give too much thought into it, thought, at least not tonight.

Jesse walked me to my place when the dinner was finished.
“So…what do you think?” He asked me, while we were walking.
“I like them. They’re friendly, but realistic. They want what’s best for you. I felt like they were…examining me sometimes.”
”Really? I’m sorry about that.”
I laughed. “No, it’s okay. I don’t mind being judged.”
“Don’t you?”
I stopped and looked at him curious. “No. I don’t mean to be offensive but…I don’t really care.” Okay, that was probably not what I meant but something in his words made my defense wall jump right back up.
He just watched me for a while. I didn’t like this look. He looked at me like I was a stranger.
“Hm…If you say so.” He started walking again. That set me off.
“What do you mean by that exactly?”
”By what?”
”You always say things like that and I never know why! What are you so afraid of? What’s the big secret!?”
”Oh, you’re saying I have a secret!” That shocked me even more. He looked around scared, like he was waiting for something or…somebody. I felt my eyes turning red, so I looked away from him. I gasped hard, trying to shove away the feeling, but it just kept on coming. I think his words really hurt me. I didn’t know why but there was something in his words I felt he was trying to hide. And then when he said those things, he acted like he had slipped and said something he shouldn’t have. The mystery around him was even more now and I didn’t know how much more I could take.
I turned back around and found him close to me, watching my face carefully.
“I’m sorry.” He said and brushed my cheek. My skin burned, where his fingers touched it. This almost forgotten feeling crushed over me.

Love.

Was that even possible anymore? I knew he couldn’t love me and that the gap between us was getting bigger with every lie I or he said, but the feeling was there now, burning inside of me. I looked him in the eyes, warm and smiled. What was it about him that made me melt? I didn’t know. Maybe, part of me liked the mystery. Maybe part of me hated it. All I knew was that every part of me felt love, like anytime before. I was torn. What was I supposed to do? Go with my heart and believe him, make he doubt go away or trust my better judgment and find out what he was hiding.
“Okay, if I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?” I asked carefully.
“Okay.”
“Where’s your sister?”
”What…? She’s…”
”Dead, I know. But where’s her body, when was her funeral? Because everyone is acting like nothing happened and I’d like to know why that is! And I have a theory. Nobody knows she’s dead, do they?”
He was furious, his jaw clenched tighter.

I turned around and walked away and didn’t look back. I felt his eyes on my back but I didn’t turn around. Why was it so hard for me this time? What made him different from every other guy I’ve been with? He made me feel…love. But there was doubt too. So I told myself that this wouldn’t go any further until I knew what he was hiding from me. So now, I felt like I had a lot of work ahead and something was just about to happen and it would change things forever.