Numb

Broken, Cracked, Scarred, Destroyed, Confused, Afraid. Ashamed.

You say the word beautiful. I hear the lies of ghosts creeping back to haunt me. I hear the silence of abandonment and the destruction of opening up when all I will ever get in return is rejection. Rejection is all I’ve ever known and the heartless battles of asking them to stay go unnoticed as they broke away and forced me to think about everything I’ve ever considered and wondering if I made the right choice.
Deep, dark shadows surround me, twisting, twirling, swirling, suffocating me until no oxygen exists and I can’t breathe and I can’t speak and I can’t go back. The haunting melodies and terrorizing harmonies smother me, choke me, shake me. I’ve been through this, seen it all before, it’s only a memory. Only a memory. I can’t go through this, not again.
The stars, brighter than ever, blind my desperate eyes. Searching for something larger than I am able to comprehend. Searching for life that has been folded up and put away for another tomorrow. Without judgment, without leaving, without walking away, you opened up to me. I want you to help me escape the chaos of my destructive past, but it is by no means easy to let go.
My mind twists the happiness I feel into something I should be ashamed of. I don’t know if I deserve to be happy, to be excited, to open up to anyone, to feel wanted. When they can’t have that.
This burning of my soul exalts me to somewhere I have never been. Somewhere that makes me confused, afraid. Afraid of everything I’ve gone through grasping through emptiness to find me again and make sure I don’t make it this time. Afraid that if I open myself up to you, let you see me for who I am, not only will rejection catch me, but it will tie me down as if the train is coming faster and faster, momentum building, shattering the silence I am most comfortable in. And I will fall the fuck apart.