Two Brothers

Two Brothers



“No, don’t touch it!”

“Why not? It’s dead.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“It’s not disgusting it’s a cat.”

“It’s a dead cat.”

“Aren’t you skinning a cat in anatomy?”

“That’s different. The cat’s not decomposing!”

“This one’s not decomposing yet.”

“If you touch that cat I’ll tell mom.”

“Go tell mom then.”

“Fine. MOM!”

“Jason! Get back here!”

“Mom! Brian’s trying to touch a dead cat!”

“Seriously how old are you?”

“Don’t touch the damn cat.”

“What’s going on out here?”

“Mom, Brian’s trying to touch a dead cat.”

“Mom, I’m Jason, not Brian. You can’t even tell your sons apart?”

“Great, she closed the door. Oh, look. She locked it, too. Good going, Brian. You know she hates when you do that.”

“Not my fault she can’t tell us apart.”

“It is when you deliberately try to confuse her.”

“I don’t know what deliberately means but I did that on purpose.”

“How do we even share the same DNA?”

“Well, you see Jason, when a man and a woman love each other… no, when a man and a woman get in a certain mood…”

“I know that you idiot!”

“Maybe if one of us gets really scrawny and the other gets really huge, she’ll be able to tell us apart.”

“That’s a logical idea. But who would it be? I’m too lazy to get big, but to active to get scrawny.”

“Yea, me too.”

“Maybe we can do what the Weschester brother’s did.”

“Jason, if one of us is going to be gay it’s you.”

“No, I enjoy the company of the female subspecies far too much for that.”

“Yea well I like chicks. And boobs. So I’m not gay. That leaves you.”

“How about neither of us is gay? What else you got, Brian?”

“We could beat each other up and use the scars.”

“It would work better with just one – OW!”

“You’re not even bleeding.”

“What the hell, Brian!”

“You said only one scar was needed.”

“So you hit me with an uppercut? How will that make me bleed? And why do I have to bleed? Why don’t you bleed?”

“Because you’re the smart one. And the baby. I’m the macho man!”

“So a scar would look good on you.”

“Not if I got it from a smartass baby.”

“It’s not my fault some of my onerous vocabulary goes over your head.”

“I hope that means obnoxious.”

“Oh you learned a new word! OBNOXIOUS!!”

“Shut up.”

“Nice retaliation.”

“You’re a scrud.”

“Who says scrud anymore?”

“I do!”

“I wish stupidity was visible on someone’s face. Maybe you could just look stupid all the time, then she would know. You know, just like that. Perfect.”

“Maybe you should wear a smartass look all the time. Just like that.”

“Oh wow, that was a really intricate and damaging comeback. You took my insult and changed a word. Ouch.”

“I hate you."

“I hate you, too. But Brian, we should really figure this out.”

“I kind of like messing with mom like that.”

“Well that makes you an asshole. How does dad tell us apart?”

“He’s a man so he thinks right.”

“That’s not true at all.”

“Yes it is. My psych teacher said that men and women think differently.”

“Did she say men think properly?”

“No, I said that. But it’s true.”

“I guess I would concur – agree. I mean it’s weird that he can tell and she can’t.”

“Yea, the guys at school can usually tell us apart, but the girls always have issues. Even the teachers.”

“No, I feel like girls pay more attention to our nuances – differences. The guys just know us.”

“One of us should get something pierced!”

“Go for it.”

“Jason, by one of us I meant you.”

“Brian, by go for it I meant HELL NO!”

“Why not, it would do you good with the whole gay thing.”

“Are we back on that?”

“I guess we are, now.”

“Well I’m not gay.”

“Alright so bi.”

“Is sexuality the only concept you understand?”

“Depends on what a concept is.”

“We better be going to different colleges.”

“You never answered me.”

“About what.”

“If you’re bi.”

“I’m not anything but heterosexual – straight.”

“You know, Jason, they said that a lot of times one twin is gay.”

“Then it must be you.”

“It’s not me.”

“Then there must be a secret triplet.”

“IS THAT POSSIBLE????”

“I don’t think there is, though.”

“That would be cool.”

“Sure. But back to mom.”

“She always could tell us apart when we were younger. Why can’t she now?”

“She used to dress us, so she knew who was wearing what. Remember when we switched clothes and she called us the wrong names?”

“Oh yea, that was fun.”

“That was dumb.”

“Jason, you suck.”

“Hey I’m not Kayla Rabideau.”

“Ouch! You’re just jealous cuz she does me and not you.”

“Oh, yea. Maybe that can be the differentiator. Jason’s a virgin and Brian isn’t.”

“That must be how dad knows! Guys can tell who’s had sex and who hasn’t.”

“So can girls.”

“Not in the same way.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Girls can tell if a guy that’s hitting on them has had sex. Guys can just tell.”

“No you’re stupid.”

“You’re just mad cuz I’m right for once. You’ll never get girls like I do, man.”

“Yea man, let me tell you how jealous I am.”

“I didn’t say jealous I said mad.”

“Whatever, you knew what I meant.”

“That’s like a Froodian slide or whatever.”

“You mean Freudian slip? No, it’s not. It was me thinking you meant jealous by saying mad.”

“No, no. It was one of those slips. You’re jealous that I get action. Maybe mom can tell. You should act all longing and jealous whenever I talk about my day. Then she’ll know.”

“I’m not jealous.”

“Maybe I’ll get Kayla to give me a hickey or something. Then she’ll know.”

“She’ll be a fan of that for sure.”

“Mom or Kayla?”

“Brian you’re so dumb! Why would you even want to do that? It’s like killing your skin or something bad like that.”

“Well we were gonna give each other scars. This sounds so much better than getting punched in the face. OW! What the hell was that? I’m bleeding!”

“Yea, that’s because I actually know where to punch someone to make them bleed.”

“Jason, my eye is bleeding. Ah! Blood is in my eye. Everything is red. You’re a dirty fighter.”

“We weren’t fighting, I was making you look rugged.”

“Mom! Open the door, there’s blood everywhere! Mom, Brian hit me!”

“What the hell, Brian!”

“Take him to the doctor, Jason.”

“Ok, mom. Way to be an ass, Brian. You’re lucky she didn’t just slam the door and let you bleed to death.”

“Maybe she can tell us apart and it just pisses her off when I try to trick her.”

“Get in the car.”

“She didn’t even give me a rag or something to stop the blood from POURING INTO MY FACE!”

“It’s not that bad.”

“You’re not a doctor.”

“No but I am the smartass baby that busted your eyebrow open.”

“You think you’re so clever.”

“That’s because I am. But kudos on using the word clever, must have been trying to find the right time for a while, eh?”

“No! I just thought of it now.”

“Put on your seat belt.”

“You’re such a baby. Who uses a seat belt?”

“Safe people.”

“So babies.”

“Just do it.”

“Let me drive.”

“There’s blood in your eye.”

“So I have another one.”

“No. Just sit down and shut up.”

“Put on something good. Oh god! You play this music then claim you’re not gay?”

“Why are you so obsessed with me being gay?”

“Because you are!”

“I should just dump you on the side of the road.”

“No, take me to the doctor. This thing is huge.”

“Something Kayla will never say.”

“We’re supposed to be exactly the same, so you would know.”

“Oh, look! There she is! Should I call her over? There’s even a red light.”

“No! She can’t know that you cut my eye open.”

“It’s your eyebrow and what are you going to tell her when she sees you tomorrow. You’ll probably get stitches.”

“I’ll tell her it happened doing something cool.”

“And I’ll tell everyone I did it.”

“They’ll believe me over you.”

“Well I am the smart one, so you never know. Who knows, your injury may make your memory a little off.”

“Now you’re the ass.”

“My brother taught me.”

“If you weren’t driving I’d hit you.”

“If you weren’t covered in blood I’d believe you. Don’t get any in the car, mom will be ticked. At least now she’ll be able to differentiate, even if you try to mess with her.”

“All I got out of that was something about being different.”

“Exactly what I was trying to say.”

“Don’t roll your eyes at me!”

“Don’t suck at life.”

“You suck at life! At least I have a girlfriend.”

“Having copious amounts of coitis doesn’t constitute a relationship.”

“Now you’re just making up words.”

“If only I were.”

“Those are not real words.”

“Indeed they are.”

“I’m gonna pee on your later.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You’ll see. Hey, lower that music! You will listen to what I have to say!”

“When do I ever listen to what you have to say?”

“You just did.”

“That’s an exception.”

“No it’s not. You’re still listening.”

“I hope the doctor makes you wait like an hour and you bleed everywhere and everyone stares.”

“It’s already stopping.”

“Maybe I should hit it again?”

“NO! That’s uncool, bro.”

“Remember when people used to say bro and mean their actual brother?”

“No, I wasn’t alive in the eighties. What the hell was that? You just blew that red light!”

“No.”

“Dude, you’re supposed to stop unless youre already in the intersection.”

“I was going too fast to stop before the intersection.”

“That’s why you slow down at yellow.”

“Your injury is making you delirious.”

“I’m surprised your big head doesn’t make us float around.”

“My head would have to be filled with hot air to…. Oh shut up you didn’t know that.”

“You’re a terrible driver.”

“And you’re better?”

“Yes.”

“Liar.”

“How many times have you been pulled over?”

“Like three or four. But no tickets.”

“I’ve never been pulled over.”

“So never caught.”

“No, you’re ignorant.”

“You’re not using that word correctly.”

“Yes I am. Dude, there’s an ambulance trying to get by.”

“Oh, right.”

“Now there’s a fire truck! Must be an accident on the highway. Probably some DUMBASS not signaling when changing lanes.”

“I did signal.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Quiet, child, you’re injured. You need rest.”

“Will you get your hands off my face and on the wheel?”

“Whatever, but we’re listening to my songs.”

“Alright I like this one. Don’t sing along.”

“I wasn’t going to… loudly.”

“Yea right.”

“Do I need to even out your face?”

“You won’t catch me by surprise like that again. I guarantee.”

“I think when at the doctors I’ll tell Kayla to come so I can tell her how I busted your face up. She’ll enjoy your tale of depravity.”

“That just sounds like it’s something I don’t want happening.”

“Oh look, there’s the office.”

“Finally.”

“Go inside and tell them your name. It’s Brian, in case you wanted to go with Jason.”

“You’re not coming?”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Alright. Don’t leave me here alone.”

“I won’t.”

“Thanks, Jason. See you inside.”

“See you inside.”

“I’m serious.”

“Yes. I have the insurance card, so I have to go in.”

“Ok, cool. I don’t really know what to do in there.”

“Fine, I’ll go in with you!”

“Great! You’re such a good brother.”

“You better remember that.”

“Let’s go.”





Word Count: 1965