Jacob and I

Girls don't like me. They used to, but not any more. I don't know what happened exactly, maybe it was growing up, or maybe I'm just the worst person on this whole planet, and they have a right to not like me. But whatever the reason, it doesn't matter, because I don't like them much myself.

Boys are much easier to deal with. And usually the only reason that guys start talking to a girl in the first place is the fact that they think she is either 1) hot 2) pretty or 3) cute, which is a good confidence booster. Guys don't use adjectives like "beautiful" or "gorgeous" right away because usually those words describe the outside as well as the inside of a person.

I can only remember one girl in my whole history of dealing and hanging out with girls, which, I might add has been 15 years, that I ever had a best friend in the stereotypical sense of the term. I'm 16 now, and girls have been hating me since I turned it.

But even guys are a pain to deal with, because they are the ones that cause the most heartbreak, so sometimes I must be even more careful around guys than around girls. Because even though girls go behind your back, guys are the ones that ALWAYS fuck a girl up.

Girls are bitches, guys are dicks. I've learned that the hard way.
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*August 25, 2011*

Lately I've noticed that you have stopped talking to me. What did I do? What did I say? You not talking to me would not be as bad if you could just give me the reason why. Maybe then I could fix it, or at least try to. I know that this could be so much worse than it is, but Jacob, we used to be best friends. I miss you. I miss kissing you, and being excited all day during summer. I miss waiting for it to turn nighttime, because that is when we had the deepest conversations, when you focused the most on me, and when you made me feel like you actually cared about me.

The worst part of this, is that I can't say this to you. I have to keep locked up in this journal. Maybe I should burn it? Would all the bad memories turn into ashes, and float out of my mind and into the sky?
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*August 30, 2011*

I see you guys together.

All the time.

Everyday just as lunch is starting. I see you look down at her the same way that you looked at me, and sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I am her. Just to feel that gaze again. I noticed that your whole group moved as soon as you too started dating. Did your group split up, you sit with her friends, you leaving your other friends behind to fend for themselves?

I am sometimes tempted to leave my group and wander until I find you. But you might say something about it to me, and I would not know how to answer. I would just have to walk away, because of that fact. Which means walking away from another chance for us to be close again.

I just wish that we could be somewhat friends.

No, I take that back. I wish that we could be lovers again, because that's all we really were, even though you did say that you were going to make me yours. As if I wasn't already. But I got what you meant, that you were going to make your GIRLFRIEND. Huh, yeah, you sure know how to keep promises.