City Hall: An Autobiography, Chapter Two

Well, here we are. Another day. I hope this one was better than yesterday, but I doubt it.

When I arrived at the office, Jannet was already there messing with my files.

This is odd, Judy is not in yet. What's this? Miss Goody-Goody is late? No!

I went to my desk to start my crappy computer. It always takes about six hours to boot this piece of crap. I'd like to give it a boot...punt it right out the window.

While I was waiting for my "computer" to start, I looked up and noticed Judy walking down the hall. Apparently, she had been here for an hour. What a surprise. Jack and Jaqueline from Tourism Toronto were with her.

Damnit. I hate Toronto Tourism. I know they are going to come in and ask for some stupid advertising budget that we can not afford.

Judy walked in with her usual "Goody-Two-Shoes" smirk, "Hi, Jake. Look who's here!", she said as she motioned to Jack and Jaqueline.

"Hi", I said bluntly. "I don't mean to be an ass about it, but what the hell do you want?", motioning to Jaqueline.

Jaqueline smiled, "Jake, we have a new radio spot, and we would like to buy some airtime. We are planning on buying some "AAA" and "AA" spots on KISS 92.5, Q107, Boom 97.3 and The Fan 590."

I glared at the two, "This is why I get a headache every day from the bullshit I have to hear from my colleagues every damn day of the week. You two are nuts."

"What? Why?", Jack questioned.

I gave Jack a dirty look and said, "Those are Toronto radio stations. You are going to put Tourism Toronto promos on Toronto radio stations during prime-time? Who listens to Toronto radio stations?"

Jack had an odd look on his face and answered, "Um...people... from...Toronto?"

I opened my eyes really wide in an "I told you so" manner, then said, "How about this? Why not buy time on a Buffalo or Rochester station, so our friends from the U.S. can spend some money in our piece of shit city?"

Jaquelin then answered, "Yeah, but they can get Toronto radio stations in Buffalo, can't they? So, why not just let us do what we originally wanted?"

"Shit!", I exclaimed, disappointed that the "idiots" from Tourism were right, again,"Okay, just do what you want. I don't care! You two are a huge pain in my ass!"

"Thanks, Jake!", the two yelled as they merrily made their way out of the office and down the hall.

" 'B' time slots only!", I yelled after them.

Just at that point, James decided to wander in from wherever. He was holding a bunch of helium latex balloons. There were at least twelve of them of all different colors.

"What the hell is that?", I questioned with sarcasm.

James smiled and said with enthusiasm, "A guy was selling them downstairs. I thought it would brighten up the office."

I rolled my eyes, sighed and shook my head, "Moron", I said quietly.

James tied the balloons to Judy's office chair. Judy smiled and squealed like a baby.

In the meantime, my computer finally booted-up. A prompt came on: "Enter network password for w://cityoftoronto". I entered, "MYJOBSUCKSASS", and the computer beeped, "Incorrect password".

Judy then decided to call her boyfriend to talk about the balloons. Big deal.

I entered my password again, and once again, "Incorrect password".

"Shit!", I yelled, "This has been my password for years! Crappy computer!"

Judy looked at me as if to say "Shut up".

I once again tried my password, "Your account has been locked due to too many password attempts. Contact your system administrator".

I lost it, "Shit! Damnit! Crap!", I yelled and smacked the side of the computer as if it would help.

John wandered in and wanted to know what all the yelling was about.

"Oh, Geez, John", I said reluctantly, "What do you want?"

"Same as always", John said, "Just coming in to annoy the piss out of you."

I complained, "This freaking piece of crap computer is not working as usual".

"Maybe its not the computer, maybe its you.", John said bluntly.

"Thank you, John, for your unwanted input", I said.

John noticed the balloons on Judy's chair, "What's the deal with the balloons?"

I sarcastically said, "That idiot James brought them in...to brighten up the office. I want them gone."

John suddenly became unusually enthusiastic, "We use balloons for target practice on the range sometimes. You want them gone? I'll make them disappear."

John put his hand on his Glock, and began to pull it from the holster.

"John! Shit! What the hell are you trying to do?", I yelled, "Don't pull that out unless you are going to use it!"

John said outwardly, "I was going to use it...to kill the balloons."

"In my office?!", I exclaimed, "You are another nutcase. I'm surrounded by nutcases!"

Judy looked up from her phone call, "Our office", she said. Its amazing, you know, she was completely able to ignore all that was going on, except when it came time to correct me. Screw you, Judy.

"Are you sure?", John asked.

"I'll tell you what, John.", I said sarcastically, "If you insist on shooting those poor innocent balloons, you can take them to the range. How's that?"

"Thanks!", John said happily, and proceeded to remove the bunch of balloons from Judy's chair, and left with them.

Judy loooked unhappy, and complained, "Where is he going with my balloons?"

"The shooting range", I said with a smile, "At least they are out of my office.

"Our office", Judy once again tried to correct me.

"Bite me.", I said back.

TO BE CONTINUED...