JUST LOOKING FOR LOVE SOMEBODY GOT IT

BILLIE

THOMAS

Contents



Author's Notes

A word from God

Chapter 1 Stolen Childhood

Chapter 2 My first Love







Author's Notes

You might be asking where the title came well from one of of my favorite song. “Beginning of the ending. Where the fuck is the sun its been a while momma look at your son what happened to my smile. My tears are tatted my rag in my pocket. I'm just looking for love, I know somebody got it. Champagne for the low, weed for the high. God Damn I so high where the fuck did I go. I am losing myself I am stuck in the moment. I look in the mirror my only opponent. Where the fuck is the press, where the fuck is the prayers. Either they don't know or don't care I am fucking depressed.”

-Shawn “Jay Z” Carter



“Lift off, takin’ my coat off. Showin’ my tattoos, I’m such a showoff (Huh?) I feel the pain and then rolled off, I got the whole city, they about to go off!!”

-Kanye Omari West

Want to send out a special thank to Jay Z and Kanye West both of you have got me though the roughest moment in my life. Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Words have power and Your words are given me my power back. For this I am grateful.

To my Mother, Father, Sister, Brother-in-Law and my babies my nieces Brionna(Bri), Tionna(Ti-Ti), and Vincent(Baby) you all have given me reasons to keep fighting. And know I have no problems laying it down a couple of years or for life to protect you. I need everyone to know if a man ever takes their innocence and I find out I want his life!!!!Many people say she owns her own house and car will take a shopping trip quick and depends on no man, but I will give it all up for a pair of hand cuffs for my babies.. as Oprah says in Color purple “A girl child aint safe in a family of men”! To my daughter Destiny Renee THOMAS you will always be my child I didn't birth you and even though you decided to live with your biological mother as soon you turned 18. Remember the things I taught you you have everything you need to stand on your own two feet.

My Grandmother said your family is big enough to have all you need friends and enemies both and those enemies will treat you better than any outside friend could, this book will show you how true that is. So to the Thomas' and Gordon's I have more love for you than my heart can hold!

How did I get here? I am stronger than this sitting in a psych office at 36 trying figure out whats wrong. I guess I have to start at the beginning just as Jay Z states in Decoded the names have been changed to protect the guilty.



Seek Love



Love Prospers when a fault is forgiven but dwelling on it separates close friends

(Proverbs 17:9)

IS there someone in your life who has wronged or offended you? Maybe it was intentional,or maybe they don't even know they've hurt you. No matter what the circumstances is, as believers we are called to forgive. When we forgive, we make it possible for God to forgive us. If we don't forgive, we are turning in the opposite direction-- away from God. Choosing forgiveness doesn't excuse the other person's behavior. It simply releases the debt they owe you so that God can release the debt you owe Him. Forgiveness opens the door so that you can be free. Choose today to let go of the past and look forward future. Choose to forgive. Once you do, as the verse says don't bring up the issue anymore. Move forward and let God be your vindicator. Remember, he promises to take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it around for your good!

-Joel Osteen



CHAPTER 1

Stolen childhood



I still remember it as if it was yesterday, I was 15 and one of my favorite cousins we will call him John asked me to drive him to the store cause he had been drinking. I has so happy I didn't have licensee but been driving for years. Then another cousin Carla shouted don't go I questioned why but all she could say was don't go. Damn I wish I would have listened to her. On the way back I still feel his rough hands and the smell of alcohol coming from John. The whispering in my ear about how much fun we always have together and how much more we can have. He grabbed the wheel, shut the car off, and threw my seat back in what seem like 2.2 seconds almost as if he had done this before a “pro” even. Then began the prolonged kisses licking my ear and feeling all over my body when his hand reached my breast he lifted my shirt and began to suck on each breast and held me down with his other forearm on my neck. Next he begin to put his body weight on top of me. Now see I have always been a fighter so I was able to get him off me and out the car. I ran as if my life depended on it and it did. I didn't stop until I saw 2 of my other cousins, one of which was seating on his grandmother porch with a gun for a whole different reason. But all I knew than I was safe!! I struggled if I should tell see in a twisted mind of a 15 year old that loved my family I still wanted to protect him. Once I was in the car with Carla, her sister Dana and my sister, my sister asked my where had I been I broke down and told. They went to the club where they knew my family would be, after I told the family they were all in a uproar. That was until the next day when the family departed like the red sea. Some believed me others believed him. That went on for years I felt a huge responsibility for that. Which I could handle but the worst was the years of having to hear his name over and over by other family members. As if it never happened or worse my feelings didn't mean shit. But with Gods grace it took me 20 years to for give him. Not for him but for me the fear of every man closed of my heart.

Chapter 2

My first true love



My Father

Now in my eyes my father was the best thing in the world. I wanted my husband to be just like him. You see he never had a father and his mother never knew how to love but this man was doing the best he could for me and my sister. But he is a hard man love. See I still hear him tell me come on outside and learn how to do this cause with my mouth I'll never keep a man. I heard that all the time till the point I believed it. All my life I have been searching for his approval. I was always wanted to hear him say he was proud of me. I don't ever recall him telling me he loves me. It was not until my sister pointed out when I was in high school I was in sports he never missed a game that was his way of showing love. But I need to hear it to feel it I guess thats why I always pick the wrong men. Searching for the love I never felt from my father.

Chapter 3



Thought it would last forever



Right after the attack I started dating my high school sweetheart the man of my dreams so I thought. He was so handsome and treated me the way I deserved to be treated that was until the next better woman came along. At 16 I ended up pregnant he was so happy. That killed my parents I disappointed them so much I moved out. Many nights I sat at his house with his mother as he hung out with what I thought was other women, I realize then that was not the life I wanted for myself or a child. But once I had the proof of the cheating I had to make the best choice for me. So I moved back to my parents and a few days later had an abortion, I never told him about the abortion cause I knew he would never forgive me. We dated on and off all though high school each time having my heart broke.





Death

I lived in suburbia but the high school I went to was a mix of suburbia and inner city. Things children should not experience we did. Murder was normal yea it hurt like hell but we were just suppose to get over it. I remember getting a phone saying Roshawn “Ro-Ro” was shot and killed I didn't believe it until that night I had Cheer leading practice. My hear fell into a million pieces. Now as adults you have bereavement days. But not us we were to be at school the next day with a couple of counselors we have never seen before. How can you help me with my you pain when you dont know the beautiful soul we lost. See he didn't get shot for any other reason but trying to break up a fight. Thats the kind of person he was I hope knowing his spirit soften just a little. Then we lost Waldo he always had had something to say that would have you falling over in your seat dying laughing. After his death I lost my joy and ability to find humor.





Then there was Terry





He was my best friend my brother. We talked on the phone all day and night. I will never ever get over losing him. I remember after the funeral his brother hugged me I thought I would never stop crying. I went in to a deep depression I don't think I never got out of.

Annie



I remember that one Sunday laying on my Aunts couch and hearing these screams. Blood curdling scream that started from my other Aunts apartment one floor up. As soon as I opened the door Annie ran in and grabbed me I called my Aunt to the front room laid her the couch. Because I knew that fear I felt the need to protect her cause I knew the pain she felt if could have taken it away I would have with out a second thought since that was impossible instead I want him to fell the pain..I grabbed a bat I keep in my car in between car door and seat and handed cousin Darla a crow bar and ran after him by this time he was driving off Darla threw the crow bar at his back window, we jumped in the car Darla picked up the bar while I was driving past it. At that time all I could smell feel and see was death. Since we could not find him it was time to round everyone up and send out a search party I could always depend on Aunt Nornie sons they loved the family more than I could Imagine. As went to church to get Annie's grandmother and her And her Aunt ,his wife, out of church to check on her. Her Aunt Change name left and ran out of town with him and until she leaves him and makes him pay for what he has done I have no words for her. Its funny to me when people think they're fooling others when they sit on the front seat in church like their are saints, then treat their family like they have they are responsible? Your next seat will be in HELL! Did you ever think that is whats wrong with your children. And I promise you if ever I see you breaking the law having your kids around him know need to question it was me I CALLED! I promised the district's attorney I would be there to there and I mean that he is just lucky he took the deal. Only to be out a few years later standing in someone bedroom naked. Damn put me with a gun a few feet I swear to hit then target to do what the law has never done Annie was nit his first rape, or even how he beat his wife with a gun we could not recognize her.