The Jason Diary:, Chapter One

The Jason Diarys

Chapter One



There I am, seventh row back, on the school bus. I am holding a huge stack of books on my lap because I like to read everything. I am a skinny thing with long legs and chicken arms. I am very pale with a horrible first haircut and lots of acne, can't forget the acne.

The guys on the bus call me turtle face. Crator face. You ugly dog! Mostly, it's you ugly dog.

So I would slouch as low as humanly possible in my seat, practicing my invisibility chant, and avoiding any eye contact with other humans. I contemplated why the evil witch in the woods decided to pick me to curse with uglyness and if it was going to be for all time, like in my books.

And Jason I really don't get it. I still don't get it, after all these years. Yes, I was skinny, I had acne, but why was I picked out of the entire class to be deemed as the ugly duckling that nobody wanted to talk to, sit by, I won't mention the cafeteria, yet.

I was ok at home. My family never mentioned my uglyness to me. My mother never said, god your ugly, how did that happen?

Yet going to a public school, a public middle school, I was the ugliest person in the universe. To ugly to look at. To ugly not to make fun of. I can still hear those guys in the hallway barking at me. I wonder if those guys remember that moment. I do.

I remember my Grandmother hugging me tight and telling me that I was beautiful. I was the apple of my Grandfathers eye. They told me that those kids were ignorant, that I should ignore them. It's very hard to do that. It's hard to ignore it or not feel bad when it feels like it's the whole school laughing at you, it's truely like being stuck in hell.

That's why I understand why these kids feel the way that they do. I understand why some of them want to commit suicide. Some of these children are pushed to the limit and they do take their own life. So for all of the little sad storys that I have in my book, it's not that I'm thinking of myself so much. I'm really thinking of them, and that's why I"m writing the damn thing.



After a while, you start to believe that you really are ugly, that there is something wrong with you that you just can't see and everyonce else can. And I would cry. I cried a lot. I cried to myself on the bus. I cried in the bathroom. I cried when I got home from school. There were days that you could double that when my father would go into one of his rages and scream at me for an hour, they were dark days.

A lot of us are not just getting abused at school, by the so called cool people, we have to go home and deal with it there too. I spent a lot of time in my room. My mom sometimes jokes that she never had to discipline me because I didn't come out of my room until I was eighteen. But it's not a joke. I was terrified of my father. My room wasn't really safe either. He could walk in and take off his belt and beat me if he wanted too.

When your being abused, there's no sanctuary. Some kids are able to hide their pain so well, that noone knows what's going on, and school is the sanctuary, their friends make it better. I can honestly say that I am a sensative person. I cry at chick flicks, disney movies and 80's love ballads. Some of us are born that way, with really big hearts, we care about everyone. The problem is that those nasty little bastards as school knew that. They were like a pack of wolves and they used that against me. It was a real nightmare from kindigarden until graduation. These movies that say that school is supposed to be hard. Bullys are apart of American culture, so just quit crying about it and get over it, I would burn all of them.

Bullys are losers. Bullys are products of other loser bullys. And by condoning bullys in our culture, we are telling busslys that they have the right to be bullys and that kids who are getting picked on are whiners and cry babys and they should just toughen up and shut up about it.

Those were dark years for me Jason. I know that we weren't friends. I was too afraid to look at you and your cool friends were calling me an ugly dog. I don't know why I wrote this book to you, and it may seem wierd to you. But I can give you a few reasons as to why it makes sence to me now. When you came to our school in the seventh grade I thought you were the most handsome person I had ever seen in my life. I was a miserable, nervous wreck. I didn't have anyone to talk to. But there were many times just seeing you made me feel better. There was something about you that helped me to keep going to school.

It's no easy when your the ugly , little nobody that noone likes. It's a real headtrip sometimes. Sometimes , even now, I feel paranoid that people don't like me, that I"m being talked about. They are serious emotional scars caused by a large group of bullys who enjoyed tormenting me, almost every damn day that I went to that school.



Lets lay some of these common advice tidbits on the death table and really kill them.

1) Get over it. Move on. Ignore it. If you be nice to them , they will be nice to you. Stand up to them and they will stop. Tell your teacher. It's apart of the school experience, it will get better. I'm sure he/she didn't mean it, just give it a couple of days.



Ok. First of all , for me personally, it's really hard to get over it sometimes, because I was still having nightmares ten years after I graduated. Those little bully bastards really messed with my head. Second of all, trying to ignore a large group very rarely works. I don't know about you, but I tried the being nice thing, that backfired, badly. Standing up to them, do you know how to fistfight, I'm not that great at it. And from what I've been reading, these new girl bully groups like to attack with a 6 to 1 ratio. If you have a teacher that you can trust, go ahead. I didn't have that. Most teachers are over worked and tired. Some of them just don't care or they have the, don't tattle mentality. As for the school experience? I saw the popular kids having a great time. They had the best cothing and the cool cars as seniors. The year book is basically made by them, and for them. The sad thing is that it feels like it's thier school and they do everything to remind you of that while your there.



So for some of you reading, your wondering, what can I do. I am being bullied, noone is listioning. Noone cares. I post stuff on my facebook and that makes it worse. I can't talk to the counsler or the principal , that would make it way worse.

Here are some of the things that I want you to consider. Some of the things that I had to ponder and figure out after high school.

1) When you get on facebook don't write about the bullying, it may make it worse. Instead look for anti bullying groups that you can join and talk to. you feel alone and I understand but people are starting to take notice, groups are being formed all over the country.

2) Maybe you feel like noone is listioning and that you've tried to get some attention and it's just not working. Please don't give up. Be louder. Try writing how you feel in lipstick on your moms mirror. How can she not notice that? Maybe you could get one of those markersthat are made for car windows and write your dad a huge note in the back window of his truck. Yes, I said writing about your bully or bullys on facebook is not a good idea. But letting the people at home know what's going on is not a bad idea. Don't be afraid to really be spectacular with your message. If you want people to pay attention and know that your hurting, don't be afraid to sky write it. Keep it in mind that often times the people around you are so busy working or sorting things out in thier own minds, that it can be the case, that they have no idea that you are being bullied, abused, or on the verge of sucide.

My mother had no idea that I was being bullied so badly. She felt really bad about it. She said that if she would have known that I would have been home schooled. I'm not so sure that home schooling would have been a good idea with my father. But it really hurt her finding out that these little wildebeasts were being so crual.