The Textbooks are Wrong!

THE TRUE STORY OF
THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR
6th Grade Historical Fiction Essay Project
The Revolutionary War was an incredible, astounding turn of events, but really, not in the way that you’d expect. No sir-ee. It was a true anomaly. The Revolutionary War was much, much different, and I, Genr’l Paco of the colonists, am gonna tell you the true story of the American Revolution.
Ever wonder why Americans eat so much? Prob’ly not. And even if you have, you ain’t got the right idea. It’s not `cause the food is good, not because we actually need to eat that much. It’s about what made the Revolutionary War so different. So enough talking. Now for the real part.
The Revolutionary War started just how you thought it did. The colonists are upset with the taxes, they protest, the Boston Tea Party, and all that. But when you get to the fighting part – okay - brace yourselves-here it comes. The Revolutionary War was fought. Well, yeah, you say, `course it was fought! It’s a war, after all! But then I respond, whoa, there not so fast. The war was fought- with food.
Fine, fine! Do whatever you want. Slam this book down, run out the door screaming, or whatever. You can give this paper a bad review out of shock, for all I care! You can run and hide. You don’t have to believe me. And really, my tongue didn’t slip. I didn’t say it was fought with fun, or feet (though that’d be cool).  I say food. 
When I learnt it, I honestly didn’t believe it either. I saw that first bullet shoot out of the Brits’ Genr’l Scarpino’s gun barrel. And when I saw that it wasn’t no bullet-it was a real, honest to goodness red Mike n’ Ike, I fainted, right there on the battlefield. Yes, we lost that battle, bad. Our firearms didn’t stand a chance to their Mike n’ Ike guns, carrot spears, cantaloupe cannonballs, or ice cream blobs that they plopped down on us. I thought we were high-tech and up to date, but this? I suppose it’s not exactly high-tech either, but really, it beat us! So as a result, now I am here with my Lieutenant General Benjamin and Colonel Nathan and we’ve got to make up a new plan. ’Are spies report ’dat the Brits could be attack on the morrow, so we’ve gotta be ready.
“We could, hmmm,” Nathan didn’t have much.
“Maybe…” Benjamin wandered.
“Let’s see,” I said, “What is dominant over food? They got creative, so let’s throw it back at ’em”
“Mouths?” Benjamin offered.
Nathan chuckled.
“Heh, heh.” I replied, “Yes, but ain’t going to work that well. We’d get real full before we knock ’em out”
“But then, what about teeth? Even without a mouth, that’ll work,” Benjamin never was one to give up on his ideas.
“Too small,” I replied. Nathan was on the floor laughin’. 
Then suddenly, a light bulb flashed in my head. I have no idea how the heck that happened, since the light bulb wasn’t invented ’till a whole sack-full of years later, but what mattered mattered. I got an idea.
“Utensils,” I announced.
“What? You’ve got to be kiddin’ me! I can understand a crazy idea from old Ben, but from you? I’m sorry, Genr’l, but this is Benedict Arnold quality! It’s berserk! It’s bananas! It’s….”
“Right.” Benjamin said.
“What…” Nathan was astonished. I ain’t blaming him. I barely believed myself on the idea. 
“He’s right! We get the company to make us giant utensils. Throw them in the air, and they knock down the Brit’s food. We can even eat it! How’s that?”
“Hey…” Nathan was starting to get it. “Not bad. But there’s a flaw.”
“What?” Benjamin and I wouldn’t take it. He always pointed out the negatives!
“You ain’t gonna eat Mike n’ Ike’s with utensils.”
***
True, we lost that next battle, ’cause we ain’t got our utensils, but by now, when the next one is coming ’round, we are ready to go with ’are knives, spoons, forks, and ’are mighty sporks. Oh, and by the way, Nathan finally got a worthwhile idea. Not only will we use utensils, but regular weapons and food, too. A trio of devastating attacks! I also added in a few extras-cracker boomerangs and banana swords, although they is one use items. We’re attacking the Brits’ main base a few miles north. The siege is now just beginning at ’bout 5 am, and the Brits are still snoring away.
“Hey, Gen’rl Paco! Got the crackers ready?” called my Major Michael.
We’re going to start this siege by launching the cracker boomerangs into enemy territory, follow it with ’are guns and bayonets, and only use the utensils at a surprise moment. Boy, is this gonna be good! I smell victory! I smell the Brits’ defeat! I smell…what is that? Oh, yes, the crackers.
“Check! All 106 of ’em, Michael!” I shouted.
“Okay, Gen’rl. We is good to go.”
Finally. This really was the moment of my lifetime. I not only get to fight in the Revolutionary War, but I am to be the hero who has the ingenious idea, I thought of it myself and… Okay. Let’s not get carried away. Let’s just get this started.
“Ready, troops?” I called.
To not be too loud, my army simply nodded their heads, in perfect unison.
“Okay. First line to ninth line, chuck yer boomerang as hard as ya can. Back lines, not as hard, ’cause we need some to fall just over the wall.
“Ready? Aim… FIRE AWAY!” This time, I didn’t care about being quiet. The Brits had to get up sometime. They ain’t gonna sleep through this battle
Within minutes, the entire British army was out and failing desperately to hurl food at us. However, Gen’rl Scarpino ain’t nowhere to be seen. I assumed he was just lying low. Ahah! There he was, behind that bush acting as a sniper. That ain’t gonna work! Not with Gen’rl Paco ’round. I ducked down for a minute and ordered one of my soldiers to aim at him and try to pull him out of the hiding spot.
Successful. Now I got ’em all in the open fight, and what’s more, they’re all astonished at our crackers. Especially Genr’l Scarpino. They ain’t got no idea of what’s comin’ next!
“Troops, it’s almost time!” I yelled, referring to ’are utensils. “Ready?”
“READY!”
The energy of their response shook the area. Gen’rl Scarpino looked even more confused. Ha!
“And… OPEN FIRE!” The utensils shot through the air, and it was all a mad scramble for the Brits. We was perfectly in order, ’cause we knew what was going on and was executing it perfectly. This time, it was Genr’l Scarpino’s turn to faint. In all the struggle, his second in command yelled, “Retreat!”
We had won the battle. And throughout the rest of the war, the Brits ain’t got no chance. We gained the momentum and kept it, all the way to freedom.
And dat’s why Americans eat so much. Just as our army ate up the Brits’ weapons, we do the same in celebration!
You now know the true story of the Revolutionary War. Good job, my friend. You’re one of very few.
Now, go eat!

THE TRUE STORY OF
THE CIVIL WAR
Hey, there. Want to know more about the Civil War, I presume? Well, you’ve come to the right place. I’m General Levi, proud member of the Union, and grandson of Genr’l Paco from 1776. I was a soldier in his army in the war of 1812, back when the idea of fighting with food and utensils was just coming around. I saw how ingenious it was and decided to put it to use when it was my turn as General.
Well, just as my grandfather has told you, the war being talked about here was nothing like what you’d expect. When you came here, you probably thought it was fought like a regular war. Then when you read my grandfather’s story you thought this one was fought with food. Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, folks, but neither of those ideas are right.
As I had promised, I opened the war using food. But, since I was at the old age of 78, my mind must not have been able to strategize correctly. I hadn’t noticed that yes, the Confederates were Americans too! They were on our side back in 1776 and believed in those strategies as well! They fought with food, just like us, and were good at it. We needed to switch strategies.
I thought hard and hard, consulted with fellow army members, but no ideas were forming. I couldn’t even think up any bad ones, so this was really something.
But then, late one night, a light bulb went ‘ding!’ inside my head and that was surprising since the light bulb had 14 more years to go, but still, I had an idea that could save the Union.
I had thought that is should think just as my grandfather had looked at the situation. What was dominant over food? Utensils. What is dominant over utensils? That was where I got stuck. The only sensible solution was people. So then I went back to the food question. Yes, people eat food, but so do…animals! We could train animals and they could attack the Rebels! It was perfect!
I ran down the hallway in my nightgown to tell Colonel Joshua the big news. I had to wake him up from a deep sleep. When he finally came to, he was completely clueless and even called me Grandpa. It was a long time before he actually somewhat understood what I was saying. No wonder he sets his alarm for 3:30 in the morning but doesn’t come to breakfast until 6! In the end, I decided to tell him in the morning. I then woke up his roommate and also close friend of mine, Lieutenant Colonel Richard. Luckily, he woke up just fine and at first was astounded at my ideas but then thought about it more and decided that they were great. He informed Joshua of the plan in the morning. What would I do without Richard?
Richard also knew a zookeeper from Philadelphia and said that he would be able to get us animals, but it would take quite awhile. Luckily, we were able to hang with the Confederates for the time being, and near the end of the war, we were able to pull off a big surprise. Well, not without a little trouble.
You see, when the animals arrived from Philly, they were not trained. I left that task for Richard and his zoo friend. But at one time, when the zookeeper was off to purchase a harness, Richard was alone with a polar bear and a cheetah. The polar bear got busy wrestling with Richard, and then, the completely forgotten, the cheetah bolted out the cracked door and, smelling meat, sprinted into the mess hall where Colonel Richard was bumbling around. He was sitting down with a plate of pancakes and bacon when in a flash of tan and black fur the bacon disappeared. Joshua thought he was still dreaming and sat down to eat, but stayed confused. But later, as he was leaving, he picked up a piece of bacon for the road. He reached it up to his mouth, slowly looked around, raised it closer and then, FLASH!
It was gone. By now Joshua was wide awake and knew that something was up. He decided to find out what.
You see, when Colonel Joshua is in ‘sleep mode’, he is completely worthless. But there is a reason that he is ranked higher than Richard. When he is awake, good things happen. Joshua had always wanted to be a detective. A normal General would have kicked out a crazy guy like that. But not me. I saw his potential and put it to use.
Joshua racked his memory for details. He remembered that I had created a new plan that involved animals. He also remembered that there were going to be animals arriving from Philadelphia. Joshua put two and two together and determined that there was an animal on the loose.
As he always did when he had figured something out, he went to find Richard before me. As he walked toward Richard’s cabin, WHOA! What was that? A huge polar bear had just lumbered by carrying an unconscious Richard in his mouth. Joshua sprung into action. He courageously leaped in front of the polar bear waving his arms. The big white bear dropped Richard on the spot and charged after Joshua, who sprinted back into the mess hall and to the serving window. The polar bear was soon occupied by the remainder of the army’s bacon. Joshua ran back out, woke up Richard, and made sure he was okay. Richard soon remembered the cheetah and the tactic his zoo friend had taught him for luring it back into its cage. It was done quickly.
All then seemed fine and peaceful and I was preparing for our attack later in the day, when the entire Confederate Army raced by, inches from my window, screaming as if in trouble. I sent a message to my army to take advantage of the opponent’s distress and we launched an attack, animals and all.
We won the battle by a landslide. The lions and tigers lead the way, stopping everything it their paths; the elephants added fear and nervousness, the hawks pulled off sneak attacks, and the mice trained to run up the Confederates’ pants caused the Rebel army to do the samba in fast-forward. The only negative was that our soldiers were laughing too hard to do anything the rest of the week.
My Union army went on to repeatedly astound the Confederates, and blow them back, winning battles here, there, and everywhere. We went on to win the war, and once again bring peace to America.
When it was over, I finally allowed myself to wonder how this had all started. The Confederates had just run right up to us. But why? I wondered what had happened to the polar bear. Also around that time, Colonel Joshua stepped into my office.
“I’m sorry, General, for starting this.”
“What?” I woke up from my thoughts.
“You see, I am the reason that the first attack was ahead of time.”
“Oh?”
“Yes, when the cheetah was loose, I lured the polar bear to the bacon, I completely forgot about it. It then wandered off campus and into the Confederate camp, where it frightened the general who sent his whole army after it; the polar bear was too good and scared them all back here!”
Trying not to show my utter astonishment, I said, “I see.”
“I’m sorry general.”
“Oh, no, don’t be. It may sound strange, but thank you for messing up so.”
So that was it. The reason that the Union won the civil war was because of a mistake made by a Colonel. So, today, if your name is Joshua, you must be named after one of the greatest mistake-makers in American history.
Thank you.

THE TRUE STORY OF
WORLD WAR II

You already know the truth about the Revolutionary War and the Civil War, and they both were not fought with firearms, but with odd stuff such as utensils and animals, so if World War II is to be included in this essay, why should it be any different? 
You see, anything I say about how World War II was so different could be proved wrong, since there are still people alive today from that time period. But yes, still, World War II was not fought with real weapons. Well, I guess it was if you include the ‘solid holograms’. As a matter of fact, technology was then very advanced, even more so than what we see today, and to everyone other than those directly involved in the war saw the war was fought with actual guns and such. But no, it actually wasn’t. It was fought with sports equipment, and it was just covered up with great technology. Yes, sports equipment. Interesting, ain’t it?
When I, Corporal Dennis (I’m the grandson of General Levi) entered the war for the US, I thought it’d be a regular war as well. And it had been, up to that point. Apparently, when General Bradley heard about my family’s story of changing wars, he came to me and asked me what we should fight with. He said that we could even disguise it until 2011 when someone by the name of Surtz would finally figure it out and tell the world.
I decided that sports equipment would be the way to go. Sports were on the rise and man, that equipment could be deadly! I thought it would work, and so did Bradley.
And so we put together our plan. It was decided that soldiers would wear football uniforms and carry hockey sticks or baseball bats. They would throw all kinds of things, like basketballs, footballs, ping-pong balls, and trap enemies with volleyball nets. Tennis balls and rackets would be used for long-range stuff. It seemed perfect.
It was perfect, until ‘Benedict Arnold II’ came around.
Private Benny Arneld was his name. He came in as a scrappy, skinny, little guy who no one was really crazy about. He constantly argued and complained. He completely failed training, and we only kept him because he was another person, we needed manpower. He was a horrible fellow.
Plus, he absolutely hated sports, which we all were very fond of. Apparently, he disliked them so much that when our master plan was announced to the rest of the army, he went off and told the enemy. Even he later regretted that as soon after, all sides of World War II were fighting with sports equipment. Thanks, Benny.
As the war went on, we were having severe trouble. If only the rest of the world could forget about sports. We really, really needed a plan. And so, because of my family’s history, everyone looked to me for help. Oh, great. I had no clue what to do.
I thought of what my ancestors had done. General Paco fought with food. General Levi fought using animals. And we fought with sports.
Then suddenly, a WLLO, or, white laser light orb flashed in my head (I still don’t understand how I even know what that is since the WLLO wouldn’t be invented until quite some time had passed). But I had an idea. General Levi had fought with animals, but he started with food. He fought with animals, food, and firearms. So if we fought with food, animals, firearms and sports equipment-oh, boy, this was going to be great! I ran straight to General Bradley’s office to tell him the news of my idea. But unfortunately, when I say straight, I mean straight. I ran head-on into Private Arneld, who was walking by.
“Hey, watch it, pal!” he cried as we went to the ground.
Fortunately, the only injury I got other than my feelings hurt by Benny’s mad yelling was a scrape across the cheek. I went to on General Bradley and told him of the plan, which he admired and we decided to put it into effect.
“Just one question, Dennis,” Bradley said.
“Yes?” I replied.
“Where did you get that scrape?”
“Oh, I ran into Benny Arneld in the-” Oh my. I had forgotten. How were we going to get this plan past Benny Arneld? I explained the situation to the general.
“What? Hadn’t you heard? You won’t ever see him again. He was just leaving for the enemy’s side!”
I was astonished. No more Benny Arneld? We were going to win this war!
And as we put the plan into place, we inched closer and closer to victory. It was pretty awesome to see Hitler’s army doing the fast-forward samba and swinging baseball bats as they were pelted with Mike n’ Ike’s!
Finally, it was time to finish this stretch of crazy wars off with one, final, absolutely insane blow - the atomic hot-air balloon! The rising sport was the perfect way to cap it off, and it worked perfectly.
So you may think that things like supercomputers and robots and skydiving are crazy, but there really never was or will be anything as crazy as the family of General Paco from the Revolutionary War.
Say, if YouTube was around seventy years ago, that dance that Hitler’s army did would be a sensation!