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Madge's vocabulary-

How does one go from youth to adulthood, exist in the world, have children, and not know the language of the culture in which they grew up? ... Baffling.

But here's Madge.

We thought, when she was hired, that she'd be good for the position. She's good for something. We just haven't figured out what yet. What she's NOT good at is use of the English language.

In our business, as in most, there are terms & phrases soecific to that industry, that when used outside, simply don't fit. Case in point: When someone's death is right around the corner their death is imminent. Toni once asked a patron on the phone if "their father was intimate". Probably not at the moment.

One day, on our community website, they gave a list of properties that we were acquiring & building upon. I read out loud that there was a pet mortuary opening up a few towns south. " What?!? A pet morchenary? What would you use that for?" Really? She was notorious for mispronouncing words.

Oblivious became Bolivious, Human Papilloma Virus became the Pavolonian Virus. That was grand. She was explaining to us that the reason for her painful 'cycles' was because she had the Pavolonian virus. Pavolonian? What? Now keep in mind that we had just met her & hadn't caught on to her vocabulary just yet. So in an effort to explain all this to us, she went on to recite the 'One Less" commercial that was running on tv at the time. "You know. The O-N-E-L-E-S-S commercial that's on tv. I have that." OHHH... You mean HPV. Ahhh. We are beginning to see. At one point we believed that she salivated every time a bell rang.

There is a pretty standard rule that mechanical implants cannot enter the cremation chamber (also known as the retort). One also cannot be cremated in most retorts if they've had a radioactive device implanted within the last six months leading up to their death. Upon seeing this notice, Toni asked one of our funeral directors the definition of 'radioactive', to which he responded that it's when they listened to the radio alot. She then believed that she was radioactive because she listens to the radio all the time. wow.

Madge's hair never changes. She wears it the same way every day. The color, the cut, they style. The same way every day. Bangs... Oh dear, the bangs. Most of us hate her bangs. She brought in a picture of her mom at one point. She mentioned that she hates her mom's bangs. Again... Really? "Because her mom has had those bangs forever & never changes them." Okay.

Back to her Pavolonian Virus. She had many lumps & lesions adhering to her parts... So she went in for an Ovation to her uterus. You know, that medical procedure where they use lasers or some other method, to remove parts & pieces of one's affected parts. An ovation. (Ablation). So whenever she talks of having had this procedure done, we all stand up and clap. We've considered the Wave, but there are only a few of us & it just wouldn't look right.

In our line of work, we fill out information on death certificates before the Health Department prints them up. One of the things that needs to be done is to figure out how old a person was at the time of their death. Madge can't do this as she "was never taught the formula in school." We've tried to explain this to her. It took 2 years for her to get it. Wait till New Year's Day. There's gonna be an adjustment period. We just don't know how long it's gonna be.

Military time is another one of her stumbling blocks. So in an effort to help her fidure it out, I made her an impromptu pair of clocks. One had the hours up to 12, and one had 13 to 24. But in the interest saving time, I only put the 3, 6, 9, and 12 on the first one and the 15, 18, 21, and 0 on the second one. I labeled the first on a.m. and the second one p.m. Someone, that day, died at 2pm. Uh Oh. As it turns out, she was still confused because I didn't put 2 o'clock anywhere on either clock. We began to think she was just acting. o one could really be that unaware. It has been 2.5 years. She hasn't changed.

Madge announced today, that her friend had a memorial mask at a Catholic church. We thought we mis-heard her. A memorial MASK? Yes. A Memorial Mask. She, not being Catholic, had never been to one, a mask, that is. I pondered just what a Catholic Mask loks like... the pope? Is there someone walkign around with the old Nixon latex trying to reshape it? Maybe some famous Catholic... Name one. Maybe a nun... or a penguin... Who knows...?

SIDE NOTE

I often lapse into periods where I think I'm far funnier than I must be (simply because if I was as hilarious as everyone tells me I am, I should be wealthy from it. I'm not). And during these lapses, I think of things that, if presented prooerly, would be hilarious. I am expected to speak at my sister's first, and mist likely only, marriage in a few weeks. It will take place in sunny Arizona, in a basilica, moderated by a Catholic priest. We will be accompanied by her family, friends, and in-laws. Most pf our family is of Italian descent with a sterong Catholic upbringing. Some heathens, not unlike myself, have fallen away from the church but the family keeps us anyway. Who knows when we may be worth something & they can get something out of it all? I had a thought... Now what I am expected to say at my sister's wedding is scripted by none other than The Man himself. It will eb a short scripture from the Bible. I though that it might be fun to go up there, amidst all the seriousness of the Catholic faith & begin the reading as though I were a Baptist minister. "... Now-ah, the Lord-ah said-ah, as he was-a lookin' dayown-ah upon Canaaaaa..." and then finish the scripture in normal reading voice & accent. That'll probably wake up those who might be snoozing int he pews. Ya think?


More to come.