Social Anxiety

Her chest hurts and her stomach flutters. She hunches her shoulders and crosses her arms, as if she could turn herself inward and just disappear from the room. Around her everyone talks and laughs, comfortably making connections. Her jaw is painfully tight and her body is tense. It’s the primitive fight or flight response, ready to run from an enemy only she can see.

There is nothing she wouldn’t give to be able to relax as easily as everyone around her, or to speak without fear of judgement. There is a voice inside her head that tells her not to bother opening her mouth, because no one will want to hear what she has to say. She wishes she could overpower that voice, but instead she nips nervously at her arm, hoping the sharp pain will distract her from the fear. She tries to remember to look happy, hoping that the terror she feels isn’t too visible.

Someone speaks to her, and all she can do is smile and nod with a racing heart until they decide that she is just too much hard work. She immediately thinks of everything she should have said. Defeated, she gives up. She sinks down further in her chair, hoping to become invisible and that no one will try to talk to her again. She lets her mind wander, and imagines being someone else. Someone who doesn’t fall apart at the prospect of just having to say hello and who doesn’t have palpitations at the thought of one-on-one conversation.

Suddenly there’s a silence, a question asked to which she knows the answer. This is it, she thinks, her chance to beat the fear. She swallows hard and the words stumble from her mouth, messy and quiet. She bites her lip, the silence seeming endless. Her pulse pounds in her throat and she feels nauseous.

She exhales when the silence is broken. Someone agrees with her, and the conversation flows once more. Her hands are shaking from the effort of something so simple, and she breathes heavily. Her cheeks feel hot and her palms are sweating, but inside she’s thrilled. She retreats back into her silence; one victory is enough for today.