The truth

My stomach aches when I think of what you have done to me, to us, to the children. I held your hand and defended you everyday for over ten years. You tore my heart apart every chance you had. When you shot that gun off I thought you had killed yourself. I had the baby in my arms when the blast reached my ears, I practically threw him on the bed. I saw your huge,hazel green, watery eyes staring back at me. I'm sorry I hit,broke and bruised you. I was protecting the children and myself,because since you didn't kill yourself surely that rifle was intended for me. You cried uncontrollably all the way to my parents house. So did we. Dad had a baseball bat when we drove up and I told him to put it away. I stood by your side and caressed your face while you were in the hospital. I even lied to a police officer for you. I thought about leaving you in the hospital or leaving the marriage all together,like everyone said I should. I couldn't abandon you in the darkest of your days. I knew the horrors of you life, I didn't want to be just another on the list. I went from stay at home mom to working 90 hours a week to make rent and bills. You got better in rehab.I got worse on the inside. I know now that I was in a state of shock. I worked my fucking ass off to support us. No questions asked. Then my amazing mother was cancers next victim.You told me it was over at her funeral. The loss and stress was too much to take.I had to get away, so that my children wouldn't see me that way. I hated you, them,my family,friends and everyone else that lived. I ran away for such a short time. Yes a month may seem long to have to manage the home and children alone,but when you're grieving, time stands still. I spoke to you on the phone and you told me I couldn't come home.I came back September 28,2009 and I made love to you while you fucked me.The next morning you kicked me out,claiming I was nothing more than a mistake.How did you do that to me? Why? I know I'm not perfect, but taking advantage of me at my most vulnerable is low even for you. I left the children with you because I couldn't take care of myself much less anyone else. Then you took them away from me like the master manipulator you are. Yes, a new man rescued me,but I only thought of you.I needed someone to feed me and bathe me and fill me, I used a wonderful man, and I've had to set him free because I could never love anyone other than you and he knew it. You ostracized me from everyone, my family, your family,friends, acquaintances, as well as complete strangers. How can you live with yourself? I found out you had a girlfriend and I was happy for you,truly I was,but moving her in with my kids after only 3 months blew my mind and again burst my heart. Now,she lives my life. People tell me to move on. I can't. I just can't........I can't move it hurts too much.Now I dream of death daily. I have to fight the urge to kill myself every fucking day!!! Do you? Do you fucking care? I would have never punished you like you sentenced me to life in a prison from which there are no other inmates to relate to, no warden to let me out on good behavior and no way to escape. I'll rot in here and I bet that makes you grin.