My Father Never Told Me that He Loved Me

My Father

My father never told me that he loved me.
When I was small be bathed me in the sink,
Bundled me in blankets and held me close to warm me.
My protector.
When I was small we played in the sand.
He watched over me while smoking his pipe,
That smelled like vanilla to me.
When I was young he taught me to swim
And ride a two wheeled bike.
He took me camping and fishing and told lots of stories
That made me laugh.When I was young he took me on dinner dates, to church
And movies at the drive-in.
When I was young we watched old movies, Frankenstein and Wolf man and A Christmas Carol.
He made us popcorn and let me dip it in kool aid.
Or fried egg sandwiches for our movie snacks.
He kept me close so I would not be afraid.
When I was young he told me I was beautiful
And would grow up a beauty queen and nurse.
When I was young we went on trips to Disney World
And to the ocean.
When I was young my father worked two jobs and went to school.
He took me to the places he worked and gave me jobs to do.
I was sent to see the "old" people on the wards where he nursed.
At his daytime research job he gave me colored water, vials and tubes,
Paper and pen and told me to make mixes and record what I had found.
He introduced me as his assistant and took me out for lunch.
My teacher and provider.
When I was young my father became quite sick,
The Doctors sat me down, a frightened child
And told me that my daddy would live for 25 whole years.
To me this sounded like forever.
When I grew up and moved away,
He called me on the telephone
And sent me cards and notes.
When my first child was born he held him close
Snuggled in his blanket.
When my child was young he took him to the movies
And swimming in the pool.
Camping and fishing and on trips.
He told him funny stories and made him laugh.
He bragged about this smart young boy and how he'd grow up to be what he would be.
Another child to me was born,
A girl this time,
He held her close snuggled in her blanket.
He could not do the things he once had done.He was too ill.
Multiple Sclerosis he'd had for years,
His body too stricken.A loss of feeling in his limbs,
Canes followed by electric wheel chair.
He told her funny stories that made her giggle.
And held her in his lap and they played dollies.
He told her she would grow up a beauty queen and nurse.
When I was a young woman I had never heard my father say,
"I love you".
One day he called me to his house to do for him
The things he could no longer do for himself.
To be his legs and sometimes hands,
Filling syringes and sorting pills.To be his grown up daughter friend.
While I was there he asked me to sit down
So he could tell me something that was on his mind.
I sat and looked up at his face,his light blue eyes so much like mine.
A glimmer of a tear I saw.
My fathers words came slow but sure.
He said, "Pegi o my heart,I have never been able to say,I love you.
Its too hard.
But like the song that I have sung for you all of your life,
I love you.Its been my way of telling you what is so hard for me to say.
But now I need to tell you in my words how proud I am of you.
You grew up to be a beautiful woman,
a wonderful mother and daughter too.
I wanted you to know before I die so you will never wonder later.
I love you, I always have".

My father always told me that he loved me

But not with words.

Pegi Anne 10/11/2007

He died later that year, 20 years ago.. too young was I to lose my dad, the one I could always count on..too young I felt to have to be...all grown up, without..My Dad!