Back to School

It really should not be this difficult! I don't understand why I have to work myself up into such a frenzy, get my panties in a bunch, and subject myself to full blown anxiety attack. Ick, my palms are sweaty. I hate that. I wipe them on my faded and worn blue jeans. The ones with the hole in the knee. The ones that Adam said made my butt my look cute. Or did he say "huge?" He shouted it down the hall in between Algebra and World History when the Freshman are especially loud and annoying, just getting back from lunch break and all. I think he said "cute." Yeah, Ashley said she heard "cute" too, and she said he was smiling that delicious little smile when he said it. Not the smile he gives his football teammates after scoring the winning touchdown. (Not that I've seen that smile up close or anything. He has a helmet on and is down on the end zone kicking up turf and I'm on the bleachers). No, the smile he tossed my way that day in the hall was a "I secretly want you, but I can't tell anyone because I'm the football star and my girlfriend is a cheerleader and if I was caught looking your way I'd be eating lunch everyday at the Nerd Herd's table".

I wear these jeans all the time now. They fit a little tighter now than they did on that day last school year (March 3, 2011 at 1:15 pm) when Adam commented. I gained a few pounds over the Summer. So what, no big deal. All the girls gain a few pounds right before Junior year of High School. It's normal. What is not normal is the amount of sweat pouring from under my arms right now. Gross. Why am I sweating so bad? It is a warm and muggy September morning. I haven't been up this early since the last day of school in June. I should have worn a skirt today. I would have been much cooler. Much more confident. Maybe I still have time to run home and change. Oh no. The school bus is rounding the corner. "That is okay" I tell myself. I will get through the first day of the school year in my ill - fitting blue jeans and new T-shirt that my parents brought back from Mexico for me. It says "I ate the worm down in Mexico." I don't really get it. My mom says that I am naive and not very bright. My dad says I'm sweet. I don't really know what either of them are trying to say.

The bus comes to a screeching halt. I take a deep breath, wipe my palm one more time on my jeans, and step up onto the bus. The air smells like fear and adolescence. I search the faces looking for someone in my grade. I don't recognize anyone. They all must be Freshman. I wish I had a car and could drive myself to school. I wish Adam would give me a ride in his red Camaro. The one his dad bought for him when he left Adam's mom for some twenty-something tart.

I start to make my way to the back of the bus. Everyone is looking at me and pointing. Then they start to laugh. At first, it is a quiet giggle, then the laughter grows louder and more hateful. Why are they pointing? I don't understand. "Emily," I hear someone shout in a raspy far off voice. Is it the bus driver? "Emily!", the voice shouts again. I turn to face the bus driver who is standing at the front of the bus with her hands on her wide hips. "Emily, where are your cloths?" What? She points at me. I look down to see my legs are not covered by my tight, tattered blue jeans. They are bare (I knew I should have shaved my legs today). And my T-shirt is gone. I am standing on the bus in only my bra and panties. Oh, why did I wear the granny panties today? I wish now that I would have done my laundry last night. My palms are even sweatier now, and I have no cloths to wipe them on. The laughing grows louder. I start to cry. "All I want to do is fit in!", I shout.

"Emily!", I hear again. This time sounding as if it is coming from the other side of a tunnel. I hear a familiar beeping sound and feel my body shake. "Beep, beep, beep". "Emily, wake up right now or your going to be late on your first day back to school". My mother is yelling at me and shaking my shoulder so forcefully that I almost tumble out of bed.

It was all a dream! Just a bad dream. I jump up out of bed, grab my favorite jeans - the ones Adam said made my butt look cute - and run to the bathroom to shower.