21 Weeks

21 Weeks (If you ever wonder why)

Things used to be simple, things just got hard.

I can't explane how we became this way in any simple terms.

I remember the life I used to live and the hardships of a life with out a childhood.

I never thought I wasn't where I was supposed to be.

We could've been an unstoppable force but I had to make the hardest choice.

To do it my way and make every ones life harder,

or give you a chance to have the whole world at your despence.

I pray that you forgive me and don't think that this is because I don't love you more than I knew I could love.



I remember the day I found out about you.

The shock took over my body,

The smell of the doctors office,

And knowing this was only the beggining.



Then it was to a new state

A new start

Maybe I could be a mom there

The stress consumed my every waking moment and over took what used to be free thoughts

I couldn't take the fighting anymore

So your father carried me back home.



To the streets

Where I spent just a couple weeks fighting and praying that maybe I could make this work

I wanted to live life the way I used to with no worries of a home

Or thoughts of my next meal

Just having fun for today

I soon realized that wasn't good for us

So I called in a favor



To another new town

Much closer only an hour away from you father

Only an hour away from what I used to be

I counted money

and counted money

and scammed

and sceemed

and plotted

Thinking of a way to keep you to myself



I realized that there is no way to give you the life I want you to have

And give you the world that you deserve

No one should grow up the way I did

I won't let you

I still am praying for a miracle 

Some sort of angel that god will send me

I would give up everything to give you the best  life in the world so that is what I think I will have to do.



I cry everyday thinking about how I wont be there for your first steps or words

How you wont call me mommy

How you might hate me for what I'm doing

How some other person will get to be your mommy

How some other man will be your daddy

It hurts to picture life with out you

It kills to think this is the right thing to do

I hope that they will love you

Almost as much as I do



Never forget that I'm right here

I always will be right here

My beautiful baby boy.