The OCD Schedule

6.30am – Get up at precisely 6:30, do not, I repeat, do not get up on an odd number!!!

6.31am – Struggle to do 10 sit ups and 10 push ups. Then leave the bedroom opening and closing the door 4 times as you leave

6.33am – Touch bathroom door handle 4 times then open and close the door 6 times and then enter. Lift and drop down toilet seat 8 times and then use. Flush toilet and wash hands… wash hands again… and again… and again… and again…

6.36am – Brush teeth using your Monday toothbrush. Make sure you brush with an even amount of brush strokes. Have 2 showers, opening the shower door 4 times before getting in.

6:45am – Get dressed. Put left sock on first followed by right one, then put on trousers starting with left leg followed by the right one, then put on shirt with the left arm first then the right arm.

6.49am – Prepare breakfast. Place toast in toaster and count how many seconds it takes to pop up, then take that number and multiply it by 4 and then divide by 8 and then add 4 and then subtract 10 and then multiply by 8, if the number you’re left with isn’t an even number, add 1.

6:55am – Butter toast. Carefully spread the butter on the toast, 4 times across and then 4 times from top to bottom, ensuring that every bit of the side of toast is covered, it’s absolutely vital you cover the entire side of toast because if you don’t the world will end!!

7:00am – Sit down to eat breakfast… and then sit up and back down again 6 times… then eat breakfast.

7:20am – leave for work. Ensure everything is off in the house by touching all electrical appliances 10 times. Close the front door and lock it, don’t forget to touch the handle 20 times to make sure it’s locked, then leave for work.

7:50am – On the 2 minute walk to work, make sure you don’t step on the cracks in the pavement because you will get struck by lightening if you do! Step on every slab and stay on the white lines on the zebra crossing.

8:30am – As you get to work stand outside the building and in your head sing Barry Manilow’s hit song ‘Copa Cabana’ then walk to the main entrance and open and close the door 4 times

8:35am – As you walk through the main lobby make sure you do not walk on the cracks between the floor tiles, then make your way up the stairs stepping on every other step, then go back down the stairs and then back up again… and then back down again, and then up again.

9:00am – Sit down at your cubical. Make sure everything on the desk is exactly the right distance apart from each other using your ruler. Ensure that the mouse mat is parallel with the edge of the table. Lower the chair height and then put it back up again, do this 8 times.

11:00am – Head over to the coffee room with your immaculately clean coffee cup and make some coffee. Listen to Mike go on about how much better than you he is and tease you about your OCD.

11:01am – Punch Michael 4 times in the face then 4 times in the stomach, then kick him 4 times while he’s on the ground. Then tell him “Sorry I had to go OCD on your ass! 4’s my number bitch!”

13:00pm – Eat lunch. Whoa! Not so fast! You have to wash your hands first! Wash hands 4 times with your own soap, not that disgusting germ infested soap they have in the toilets, then use 4 wet wipes just to make sure. Now you can eat. Eat the lighter calorie foods first then move on to the higher calorie foods. When eating the sandwich, eat the crusts first with 4 bites then eat the rest of the sandwich with exactly 20 little bites. When eating the banana use your knife and fork from home to peel and eat with.

17:00pm – leave work. Ensure everything on your desk is neatly positioned; use the ruler again to make sure objects are the right distance apart then leave. Walk down the stairs and then back up again and then back down again, walk across the lobby without stepping on the cracks of the floor tiles, open the main entrance door 4 times then walk out, stand outside the building and sing ‘Copa cabana’ in your head, walk across the zebra crossing stepping only on the white lines, step on every pavement slab without stepping on the cracks until you get home.

18:45pm – prepare dinner. After finally getting home and thoroughly sterilising the kitchen from top to bottom 4 times, it’s now time to cook dinner, ensure what you eat always has an even number of calories. Put the lasagne in the microwave and wait. While you wait, run around the kitchen until the microwave bell rings. If you have run around the kitchen an odd number of times, run around again one more time to make it even.

19:05pm – Eat dinner. Cut the lasagne into four equal parts. Take a single bite from each piece in sequence until it has all been eaten.

19:30pm – wash up. Thoroughly wash plates and cutlery 4 times and then place each plate inside polythene zip bags.

20:45pm – After dinner go and relax and watch TV. Before turning it on touch the TV 8 times then sit down on the sofa… then stand up and sit down again. Make sure the volume is on an even number because if it isn’t a grand piano will fall on you! Watch ‘Confessions of a teenage drama queen’ and shout an even amount of insults at Lindsay Lohan.

22:00pm – Go to bed. Turn off the TV and make sure everything is switched off by touching everything in the house. Brush teeth 4 times and have 2 showers followed by a bath with exactly 8 scented candles lit and track 4 of Lionel Richie’s greatest hits on repeat.

22:45pm – Get into Bed and out again 4 times and then set alarm for 6:30am for it to start all over again tomorrow.