Quoted Text

James Maslow is a liar. He’s atheist. Not Jewish. He hates Jews. Unless he’s eating them. Then he loves them. He loves the smell of Jewish flesh burning on his stove. He likes to boil Jewish noses. Sometimes, when he’s in a good mood, he eats he Jews raw. With salt. Lots of salt. And a side of baby carrots. He lours them into his trap by convincing them that he’s Jewish too. And his unnaturtal attractiveness. They think, “Hey! He’s Jewish AND good looking! I think I’ll marry HIM.” And then they realize the startling truth. He’s gay. So now only gay Jews are willing to approach him. He goes on a few dates with them and eventually they propose. Because they are ALWAYS the man in the relationship. ALWAYS. James just isn’t manly enough. He tries. He really does. It just doesn’t work. So after he’s been proposed to, he grabs ahold of the ring and tosses it into a river. Then he smiles evilly at his boyfriend. He grabs a hold of his boyfriends arm and bites into it. He then grabs a knife and slowly cuts a line of blood from the shoulder to the wrist. Then he laps up the blood. Like a dog. A gay cannibal dog. Then he looks the guy in the eye and says, “hmm… I think you’d taste better with salt.” Yeah. I know. James says the SAME THING EVERY TIME. It gets annoying. He also wears the SAME PANTS EVERY DAY. Not only is he wearing the SAME pants, but they’re all purple skinny jeans with rainbow triangles on the pockets. One day, James’s friends catch him as he eats his most current boyfriend, Asher.

“hmm… I think you’d tas-“ –James

“JAMES!” –Logan

“JAMES!” –Carlos

“JAMES!” –Kendall

James turns around angrily. “Can’t you guys let me finish!”

“Sure…” –Logan

“What ever.” –Carlos

“Fine. Do what you want.” –Kendall

“hmm…. I thi-“ –James

“HEY JAMES! ARE YOU DONE YET?!” –Carlos

“NO! I’M NOT DONE YET! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU THINK I WAS DONE?! YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT I LIKE TO SAY! YOU CAN HEAR WHAT I WAS SAYING CLEARLY!” –James

“THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!” –Logan

“IM MAD!” –James

“HEY JAMES! ARE YOU DONE YET?!” –Carlos

“I jus- Nevermind…. Hmm…I think you-“ –James

“HEY JAMES! WE HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU!” –Kendall

“ I’M NOT DONE YET! LEMME FINISH!” –James

“FINE! WE’RE SORRY FOR BUYING YOU SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULD TREASURE WITH ALL YOUR HEART, SOUL, AND MIGHT! WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST RETURN IT!” –Kendall

“hmmIthinkyoudtastebetterwithsalt!... I’M DONE!” –James

“Too late.” –Logan

“Yeah. Kendall already left.” –Carlos

“Oh…well?” –James

“What?” –Logan

“Aren’t you going to tell me what the present is?” –James

“What? Did you expect us to TELL you who it was?” –Carlos

“Ahhh…So it’s a person.” –James

“No. It’s not. Carlos was being stupid.” –Kendall

“KENDALL! I thought you were gone!” –James

“…Why would you think that?” –Kendall

“Well…. Carlos and Logan said you were gone.” –James

“DID NOT. That was Carlos.” –Logan

“No. That was Logan.” –Carlos

“Carlos. All we have to do is look at the quoted text. You’re the one that says it.” –Logan

“The quoted text lies.” –Carlos

“The quoted text NEVER lies.” –Logan

“I HATE YOU KENDALL!” –James

“What?” –Kendall

“I didn’t actually say that though! That was the quoted text!” –James

“I don’t believe you.” –Logan

“I’M STUPID!” –Carlos

“Carlos…. When you actually say it, you can’t blame the quoted text.” –Kendall

“I didn’t say that!” –Carlos

“We all heard you.” –Logan

“SHUT UP! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” –Carlos

“THAT you didn’t say.” –Kendall

“FAITH KENDALL! HAVE FAITH IN THE QUOTED TEXT!” –Logan

“I HATE YOU ALL! LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M A GIRL!” –James

“……..” –All

“Why does the quoted text want us to yell all the time?” –Logan

“Probably thinks it’s more interesting…” –Kendall

“Oh. Ok. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” –Logan

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!” –Kendall

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” –James

“….Why are you guys yelling?” –Carlos

“IT’S WHAT THE QUOTED TEXT WANTS!” –Logan



-----From now on, quoted text has * instead of “-----



“I DON’T CARE WHAT QUOTED TEXT WANTS!” –Carlos

“THAN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!” –Logan

*YOU PUNCHED ME!* -Logan

“Wha- NO I DIDN’T!” –Carlos

“We know! That’s what the quoted text was saying!” –Kendall

“Oooooh. I gotcha…” –Carlos

*I hate you all* -James

*Why?* -Kendall

*I’m a girl. And I’m stupid. And I have man boobs.* -James

“NONE OF THAT IS TRUE!” –James

“We know James. We know.” –Kendall

“…I believe it. The quoted text NEVER lies.” –Logan

“JAMES! I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE A GIRL! HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THAT?!” –Carlos

“Carlos….James isn’t a girl. How could you think that?” –Kendall

*All you have to do is look at my face.* -James

“SEE!? HE ADMITTED IT!” –Carlos

“No. That was the quoted text.” –Kendall

“OH!” –Carlos

“Carlos….Why are you still shouting?” –Kendall

“Isn’t that what the quoted text wants?” –Carlos

*No. The quoted text does NOT want that. Its annoying.* -Quoted Text

“Did the quoted just talk?” –Carlos

“Naw. That’s impossible.” –Kendall

*haha. Nobody will believe you.* -Quoted Text

“WHO ARE YOU?!?!” –Carlos

*Who’s who? Me? Oh you don’t wanna know me.* -Quoted Text

“Carlos….Are you OK?” –Kendall

“I WANNA KNOW YOU!” –Carlos

“You DO know us…” –Logan

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM?! JAMES! I’M SCARED!” –James’s boyfriend

“Go away. Nobody cares about you. You’re too Jewish” –James

“THE QUOTED TEXT IS TALKING!” -Carlos

“James. YOU’RE Jewish.” –Kendall

“THE QUOTED TEXT IS TALKING!” –Carlos

“Details, details.” –James

*Goodbye James, Carlos, Logan, Kendall.* -Quoted Text

“Whoa. The quoted text just talked.” –Kendall

“WOW.” –Logan

“Weeiird.” –James

*You have no right to say weird. You’re Jewish.* -Quoted Text

“But Quoted Text is Jewish!” –Carlos

“Carlos….How do you know that?” –Kendall

“Quoted Text told me 8 years ago.” –Carlos

“Quoted Text didn’t EXIST 8 years ago.” –Kendall

“…….” –Everyone

“LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!” -Carlos