Fading Kassidy

Most of my life I have had so many responsibilities and my whole role in life has been to take care of others and put myself way in the back. I have been running on that thought for so long now that I am starting to feel the real me fading into nothingness. I feel like I only have substance when I am referred to with my relationship to others. I am a sister to my siblings, I am a auntie to my niece and nephews, I am a daughter to my bio and adopted dad, I am a wife to my wife and a step granddaughter to my wife's ailing grandmother. Everyday I feel more and more that I am my responsibilities and not so much an individual person.

My wife and had to up and move to Alaska two years ago to take care of her grandmother who has dementia and needed someone to take care of the house and finances. Her two adult children wouldn't step up so we had to. We thought when we signed up for this that we would both be able to work and save money to buy a house when we got back home to Washington, but I took a pay cut to move and the Wife was not able to find work and then grandmother's health has gotten worse and someone has to be home most of the time to watch grandmother's in-home care givers. We don't know many people up here and we don't have many friends so we don't get to socialize much with other people. We do the best we can but it is really hard. All have to talk about is what happens at work and school and she just has what was on TV that day.

My wife has been getting depressed so I don't say much about work because it depresses her that she can't work. When I get up in the morning I take the pups out and feed them, the wife is still in bed when I leave and when I get home in the evening she is back in bed doing nothing. I once again take the pups out and feed them then I try to clean the house or mow the lawn or do homework. I miss coming home and being able to converse with my wife, I miss having a loving partner instead of a resentful roommate. When we do get to spend time together it is usually to shop for grandma, milk and bananas or depends and flax seeds, I have gotten to the point where I hate working all day to pay our bills, going to school to try and finally get a degree and then shopping the rest of the weekend for products that no thirty something should even have to think about yet.

When I was 12 I took on the job of mother to my 5 year old brother, my mother went through her 2nd divorce and decided that she deserved a second teenage years. She was not around unless it was to make out with her 20 year old boyfriend, or to spend our child support money buying toys for her little boyfriends. I never got my teenage years the first time around because I was too busy working to pay the bills and taking care of my siblings, by making sure the lights stayed on or the heating bill was paid, that there was a little food in the house for us to eat. I have never had those carefree go out and party with friends kinda days, when I went to friend's houses my little brother was usually with me so I couldn't cut loose and just have fun.

Now my little brother is grown up and married with a baby but I still see him as my little kid and his son as a grandbaby. People always ask me why I don't have kids of my own and I tell them I do he is just my brother as well. I still send gifts whenever I can and we talk on the phone but I miss just spending time with them playing with my grandbaby and watching my baby brother grow into a man and father.

I wasn't raised with either my bio dad or my adoptadad so it is hard now to try and find even ground try and make a relationship now. When I was about 4 years old my mother took my brother and I and moved out of state to keep us away from our dad, she married my adoptadad to sever custody rights with our bio dad. When I was 18 years old I met my bio dad and at 20 I met my siblings, they all grew up with photos of my brother and I on their walls but I didn't even know how many siblings I had much less their names until I was 20. My adoptadad stopped being my dad when I hit puberty, he came from a very Mormon family that didn't believe that women had the brain capacity to even hold a conversation with a man, therefore they had no value so I had no value until I was almost 30 and my dad got remarried to an amazing woman and he apologized for not being there when I was a kid. We do the best we can but it is awkward for all of us, I didn't grow up with a dad so I don't know how to act with one. My biodad has many other kids, he wants to be the lovey supportive parent but I have no idea how to react to him so he gets upset. I am just so tired of what I am suppose to say and do that I have no idea how I even want to act.

My brothers and I are still learning how to be family now that they have kids and we are free from the evil mother person. We were raised with the divide and concur method so we didn't get along the best when we were growing up. Now we realize that we are free and we want the whole next generation to not have any guilt for the crap we went through growing up. They should just be happy and know that they are loved no matter what and that we will keep them safe as best as we can. They shouldn't worry about us, they shouldn't feel guilty about the crap that we went through, they should just be allowed to be kids for as long as they can.

I try to keep a part of the real me alive but it gets hard some days. There is so much that I want to say and do but I also don't want my actions to upset others, I just want to be me and have the people in my life accept me for me. I don't mind having my responsibilities but I don't want to fade away anymore, I want to stay vibrant, in full color with full emotions. I don't want to fade into the gray scale until there is nothing left to me. I will not go down quietly any longer.