That dreaded call

It was seven-thirty, Thursday evening, February 8th 2001, an exact moment in time that will forever be implanted in my memory.  In some ways it seems like yesterday.  And yet even though ten years has passed the moment has never escaped me.

I can still hear the ringing of the telephone. I looked to see who was calling.  I remember feeling somewhat surprised to see that it was my doctor.  Why would she be calling at this time of the evening?  Somewhat unusual I thought!

Picking up the phone, I heard Dr. Fraser’s voice on the other end.

“Hi Donna, I was wondering if you could come in to see me tomorrow?  Your results are back and I would like to discuss them with you.  If you could make it at four-thirty that would be great.”

“Sure Dr. Fraser, that’s not a problem at all.  I’ll be there.”

“Donna.”
‘Yes?”
“Do you have a good friend or family member that you can bring with you?”

The adrenaline flooded my brain! I could feel my knees begin to buckle. I sunk down onto the couch tightly gripping the phone and yet wanting to throw it down and run out of my apartment. Run away from what I was going to hear!

“How bad is it Dr. Fraser?”

“You know Donna, it would be better to wait until tomorrow so that we can sit down together and discuss it.”

“No, please, I need to know how bad it is?”

“It is not good news.  It is not the news you wanted to hear.  I’m sorry.”

Stunned I hung up the phone. Had that conversation really taken place?  I couldn’t think.  I felt dizzy, light headed.  She had said it was news I didn’t want to hear. She was going to tell me that I was dying! 

The week before while showering I had discovered a lump on my breast. I remembered how big it felt, almost the size of a small lemon. Over the course of that week I had an urgent mammogram.  The results had come back negative.  Dr. Fraser had performed three needle biopsies.  All had come back negative.  But… she wanted to make absolutely certain it was not cancer so a surgical biopsy had been performed.  Those were the results that she had just called about.  The results I didn’t want to hear.

That night was the longest night of my life.  I felt torn in two.  I wanted the time to pass quickly so that I knew exactly where I stood.  Yet another part of me wanted time to stand still so that I didn’t have to face what was coming.

At four-thirty the next day, as promised I was at her office.  My ex had offered to come with me.  He was a strong person and I needed that right now.

Her office was at the end of a long hallway.  I recall so vividly taking those steps towards her door.  I now understood exactly how one must feel facing the hangman’s noose.

She pulled a chair up to the desk for me to sit on.  Funny the things you remember.  I recall her pushing the Kleenex box in front of me.  Another indication of the news that was coming…not a good sign!

“Donna, the surgical biopsy revealed a ten centimetre tumour full of aggressive invasive cancer.” 

“But what about the mammogram and the needle biopsies, how come they didn’t pick it up?”

“You have a rarer type of cancer.  The lump is not in the ducts but hidden behind the breast and often doesn’t reveal itself until it becomes too big to hide.”

That is exactly why I wanted to do the surgical biopsy.  From the feel of the tumour and the look of it I really felt that it was cancer.  We needed to know for sure, you understand that.”

I did understand that.  I remember how calm I felt.  I thought I should have felt panic stricken and yet I didn’t.  It is strange how one can face what they have to when they simply have no choice!

I knew the next question was a matter of life or death.  It had to be asked and it had to be answered!  Paul gripped my hand tightly.  I felt so strong.  I really didn’t understand why?

Maybe I had gained strength from the poem footprints.  It was my favourite and I had read it before entering her office.  One part seemed to really stand out: ‘you promised me lord that if I followed you; you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has been only one set of footprints in the sand. Why when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?’

The lord replied, “My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trials and suffering when you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you.”

I wasn’t an overly religious person but I somehow new that something other than myself was giving me the strength to handle what I had to hear!

“How long”, Dr. Fraser, you said last night it was news I didn’t want to hear!”

“Donna, can you wrap your head around having a radical mastectomy on Thursday?  We need to get this out as quickly as possible because it is so aggressive.”

“Definitely, let’s do it!”

“Can you also wrap your head around having very aggressive chemotherapy and radiation?”

“Definitely!”

“Then we are going to get a team together and we are going to fight to save your life!”

I looked at Paul.  My heart lifted. I had gone from hell to heaven in one moment. There was hope!  I had never really understood what a huge word HOPE was!  I knew I was experiencing what would be the happiest moment of my life!  I had thought she was going to tell me I was dying.  I thought she would tell me there was no hope, that was the news I didn’t want to hear.  But instead she had a plan, a plan to save my life.