Life Without You

Mom,



         There are so many things I'd love to tell you. I don't even know where to begin. I found so many things on my journey without you. I've gained so much knowledge about everything life, love, people, how the world works, and so on.



         I miss you everyday, believe it or not, but I'd like to start from the beginning and tell you as much as I can.



Oct 19, 2007



         That was the day you died. I'm not sure how it happened exactly. Everything I know is from what people told me about it. The night before I remember the last moments I shared with you. You were in a rush to get out the door. You were late for work. I helped you get your things together. I packed your lunch bag, made you coffee, refilled your hair spray container. I said I loved you and gave you a hug, and before you left I asked you for another hug.



         You snapped at me and said, "I just gave you one." but you stopped and gave me another hug and kiss before you left. I said, "I love you." and that was the last thing I ever said to you. I'm glad that you heard kind words from me before you had to leave.



         That morning I woke up and went to the bathroom. I grabbed the phone and walked to my room. I called your cellphone, but you didn't answer. I left you the message.



         "I'm glad you didn't call this morning, because I was in a bad mood, and I wouldn't have been nice to you. I just wanted to call and say that I woke up on time, and you don't have to worry about me. I love you and I'll see you after school, bye."



         After that, I started up your computer and got on an internet chat site called student.com. I got online as moegrl, because that was my nickname, at the time, by my friends at school. I role played with a guy named Jeremy. I got up in between the conversation and put on my clothes. I put on green underwear and a tan bra covered with a black long sleeved shirt with roses on the front and guitars on white sleeves. You surprised me with that shirt one day when you came home. I put on green capris and then straightened my hair. I talked to Jeremy the whole time. I got off the computer five minutes before the bus came. I grabbed my black ACDC bag and threw on flip flops, because I didn't have time to put on real shoes. I put on my black beanie with the rabbit and checkered flags on the front, and I walked out the door as the bus pulled up. I had to run down the drive-way to make it. I wish I hadn't made the bus that day. That was the beginning of the many regrets I would have after you.



         School went by like any other day. I had Art, English, PE, History, Study Hall, Science, and Math. When I walked into math I got in just before the bell. Mr. Roth hadn't even begun talking when Mr. Farris came in and asked me to come with him and take my stuff. I looked at my best friend Robyn surprised. she shrugged and I left the room. He told me to grab my things out of my locker. I walked down the hall and opened my locker. I put my stuff away, grabbed my bag, my beanie, and followed Mr. Farris down the hall. He was walking fast. I figured maybe you scheduled me for a tetanus shot appointment, because I was supposed to get one. We went into the principals office, and i sat. He told me your boyfriend Greg was going to pick me up. At that point I was even more confused. I thought maybe you had made the appointment but were too tired to take me. When Greg pulled up; he pulled in fast and crooked. I opened the door and said, "Hey, Gregory Allen. Whats up?" he said, "Your mom was in a car accident." His voice was sorrowful, and he had tears in his eyes. I asked, "Is she okay?" and he just shook his head.



         I stared at the school, shell shocked, not believing what I had just heard. He looked at me and gave me a hug. I hugged him back. I mostly hugged to comfort him, because it hadn't sunk in to me yet. We were on our way to Nana's house. I asked him who knew about it, and he said only my uncle and my grandpa knew. I was terrified at what would happen when we told my grandmother.



It was after that that he said the most brutal thing anyone has ever said to me. I asked how it happened, and he said, "She was driving to fast and lost control of her truck. She flipped it several times. She didn't have her seat belt on, so she flew out the windshield. She died instantly, so there wasn't any blood or anything."



At that point in time I had been writing a book about my life story. I thought to myself, "That'll be the perfect ending for your story." That was when I started to cry. It wasn't a sobbing cry. It was a leaking cry. I still couldn't fathom the fact that you were actually gone. Now, I was completely alone. I had no one and had no idea what was going to happen to me.



When we got to my grandmas house my tears were still streaming. The sun was bright on a miserable day. I walked up the front steps to her house. I didn't bother to knock. Greg was right behind me. I stood in the living room, and she walked out to me from her bedroom. Her face was glowing from the sight of visitors. She noticed I was crying and said, "What's wrong?" in a concerned voice. I couldn't talk. I just wrapped my arms around her and sobbed. Greg told her what happened in the same brutal way he had told me. My grandmother let go of me frantic and called for my grandfather. He wasn't home. He was still on his way home from work. She sobbed uncontrollably as she sat down.



My grandpa and my uncle arrived shortly after. My grandma asked if my brother knew. My grandpa said he went to his house. He was asleep. He had woken him up and told him, but he just rolled over and acted like nothing was wrong.



An hour later my brother showed up. He sat in the car with the door open. I walked out to him and sat in the passenger seat. We sat for a long time like that. I broke the silence and said, "Why is it that the things you love most are always taken away?" He looked out the window and mumbled, "That's just how it works."

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After the funeral, I moved in with my grandparents and uncle. I thought maybe I would heal there and be happy, but it was really where all my troubles began.