The letters 1

My heart just sank.. I wish you knew how it felt to hear those words from the person you love most. I lost you because you wanted to get your shit straight.. I lost you because you were living the dream, and now I can only assume i'm going to lose you because "life" won't let us be together.
You say you want to make it up to me.. but you've already got it in your head otherwise..
I'll never have you again will I?
I love you so goddamn fucking much. It's really not fair. I just really.. I don't know what I'm suppose to say to that. What am I suppose to do? Keep calling you and saying I love you, pretending that you're going to put an effort in, when I already know you've decided your life is going away from me? Or should I just give up, leave you to your life, deny myself the one person that makes me happy, the one person I love more than anything.. Why can't I ever win? I'm just.. I just really sank fifty feet into the ground.
You have control over your own life, you choose which way you want to go. All this bullshit about it taking you one direction or the other, is just what i said. Bullshit. You make life what you want it. You do. Not some predestined something.
You have to make this choice, move on and grow in life with me. Or.... just choose a life without me. you wanna be straight up, then I'm being straight up. I don't want to live without you, I don't think I can live life without you, but I can't take this anymore. I can't take your rejection anymore. I just can't. God. I thought you were happy and coming back to me? all this shit that's happening lately, I haven't even got to see you yet.. and you already are sayin this..
I love you too Johnathan, I never gave up on you because I see something in you I don't see in anyone else.
I just.. I don't know what to say anymore; everytime I start believin again it all gets knocked back down.
The only way I'll be alright is if you're by my side. what else can I do; what else can I do?