I'd Take A Bullet For You

He was ripping himself apart, figuratively of course, and it seemed everyone and no one noticed. There were so many emotions roiling around within him; he felt as if he was drowning. Worthlessness was a predominant and familiar demon terrorizing him; it was accompanied by self-loathing, and confusion. There were more, swirling under the surface in a mass of brilliant, bloody colors.

“Tanner.”

He looked up, meeting his best friend’s eyes. There was concern and confusion shifting about in the light blue orbs. Tears filled Tanner’s eyes and escaped. The liquid pain slid down his cheeks in torrents.

Arizona balked and stared at Tanner in shock. Tanner’s reaction had been unexpected, for the both of them. Tanner swallowed loudly, tensing and blinking fiercely. He had no choice but to try and control the tears. His reaction was inexcusable; or rather, it would be in the eyes of his too proud father. Men did not cry, his father would chastise in a cold tone.

“Arizona,” Tanner managed to whimper after a few moments. He forced himself to his feet, trying desperately to ignore his feelings. He would have loved to be emotionally dead, but he couldn’t. Not when he was around Arizona…especially when he was Arizona.

“What’s wrong?” Arizona’s voice was warm and concerned. Tanner felt he could lose himself in it and be content to be lost forever. Love swirled in his chest like a coil of fire, warming him and subduing his worst demons for the time being. The colors of Tanner’s world spun themselves to more presentable hues of deep blues and greens, mixed with black and dark purple.

Tanner blinked and smiled reassuringly. The effect was lost, though, due to the drying tear tracks on his cheeks. Arizona merely sighed and gave Tanner a one-armed hug. Tanner suppressed the urge to shudder from pleasure (it wasn’t often he received physical contact form Arizona) and sighed deeply.

“Sorry about that,” he murmured when Arizona released him. “I…I suppose I buckled a bit under the pressure from my parents, you know?”

Arizona chuckled, a deep and resonating sound that took Tanner’s breath away. “Yeah, your parents are frickin’ tyrants.” Arizona nodded towards the woods, the place the two friends always went when they wanted to get away from the world. “To our spot, then?”

Tanner’s smile felt strained and foreign on his face. He imagined that Arizona could tell, but Tanner didn’t mind. If he wanted anyone to be able to read him, it would be Arizona. His mind reminded him fiercely that it wasn’t entirely true. The longer Arizona remained in the dark about his feelings, the better. “Too good for me,” was the mantra Tanner would say to himself.

They walked across the clearing and into the trees. Arizona hummed a song softly and Tanner listened happily. He loved everything about Arizona; everything except Arizona’s brainwashed beliefs that homosexuality was wrong. They would sometimes have brilliant fights over it, but in the end they would resolve to agree to disagree. Tanner watched Arizona as the shade cast delicate shadows over the other’s facial features. It made Arizona more appealing to Tanner.

“My father offered to testify for the defense on Proposition Eight,” Arizona declared suddenly.

Tanner stopped in his tracks, trembling in rage and dread. Whenever Proposition Eight was brought up, he and Arizona always wound up fighting. “Arizona…” Tanner’s voice was weary and wary. Arizona stopped and turned to face Tanner, eyes shimmering. Tanner’s breath caught in his throat and he suddenly realized that Arizona needed this fight, for whatever reason.

“Don’t start preaching at me about equality, Tanner.” Arizona’s voice was soft. Tanner watched his beloved turn and continue walking towards their destination, ducking beneath the branches that reached out as if they would snatch up passersby and devour them.

Tanner forced his legs to move. “Seriously, though, Arizona. Your father’s a priest, I get that, but shouldn’t he be…oh, I don’t know, more tolerant? Or was I mistaken when I heard him say that your God loves everyone and so we should love each other?”

Arizona snorted and stepped over a fallen sapling. “And gay marriage threatens the sanctity of marriage and what it means.”

Tanner bristled and kicked at a tree stump. “How in the hell does it do that? All gay people want is the right to marry the person they love, it isn’t like they’re running around telling people they should be gay!”

They reached their secret spot and Arizona sat on a decaying log, staring up at Tanner with fierce blue eyes. There was a glitter in them that told Tanner something really important was going to happen. He just didn’t know what, and it scared the living hell out of him.

“They might as well be,” Arizona countered. “Whining about Proposition Eight and all the other nonsense they come up with about how we’re discriminating against them.”

Tanner narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “Arizona, do you have any idea how utterly ridiculous that sounds? Homosexuals used to get arrested for being in the park with their shirts off, while straight men walked around the same exact park dressed in the same exact way! Homosexuals lost their jobs for no other reason than because of their sexual orientation!”

“God said that it is an abomination for man to lie with another man as he lies with a woman.” Arizona replied evenly.

Anguish and guilt wrapped itself steadily around Tanner’s lungs in a vise. “You’re seriously going to use that defense?” Tanner narrowed his eyes when Arizona nodded. “Okay, fine. Tell me why you bigoted idiots cling to that defense when you refuse to see the other sins you commit against the bible, like eating shellfish and shit?”

Arizona stared at him with widened eyes. Tanner had taken him by surprise, he knew. Arizona was used to him backing down when the bible was brought into it, but Tanner refused to do it this time. He’d been talking with pro-homosexual preachers, and he’d learned.

“Are you going to stone your kids to death if they disobey you, or your wife if she cheats on you? You’ll burn in Hell for all the sins you’ve committed and refuse to acknowledge because they’re utterly ridiculous!” Tanner’s cheeks were flushed with frustration. Adrenaline coursed through him; his heart raced and his emotions swirled around.

Birds chirped and flitted from the tree branches that hung down into the small clearing. A stream burbled cheerfully in the distance. Sun shone down in warm rays whilst insects buzzed about happily, oblivious to the countdown to the destruction of Tanner’s world.

“You’re gay, aren’t you?” Arizona’s voice wasn’t accusing or hateful, but merely curious. The color drained from Tanner’s face and Arizona nodded. “I have this debate with tons of other people, straight guys and girls alike, but none of them are ever as passionate about it as you.”

Tanner stumbled backwards and leaned against a tree, the panic rising in his gut. “I…” He couldn’t even think of what to say. He’d always told himself he’d tell the truth, if ever he were asked the question. But faced with it, Tanner didn’t know if he could. His chest heaved with the force of his breaths and Tanner realized, belatedly, that his reaction was answer enough for Arizona.

“I don’t really know why you ever tried hiding it.” Arizona continued, watching him with calculating eyes. “You’ve always been hard pressed to hide what you’re feeling and thinking, Tanner. Whenever you came with me to church and my father happened to be speaking on homosexuality, your face was always a mixture of anger and guilt.”

A rabbit poked its head from the brush and then quickly retreated. A sparrow flew down from a branch and hopped across the grass. Tanner’s eyes held his panic, fear, and a plethora of emotions even he couldn’t hope to figure out. Arizona watched him with a blank expression.

“I’m of the impression that I don’t have a sexual orientation,” Tanner finally managed to reply. His voice was small and sounded as if a pin drop could shatter it. Arizona’s eyebrows rose until they came dangerously close to disappearing into the fringe of his chestnut hair. Tanner felt a reckless courage fill him. “Gender has nothing to do with my attraction to a person. It doesn’t discourage me from wanting someone…”

“Then why do you defend homosexuals so vehemently?” Arizona demanded, voice full of nothing but the desire to understand.

“Because it’s wrong to hate someone because they happen to love someone of the same sex!” Tanner cried, clenching his fists by his side. Emotions snapped into new shapes and the intensity of them shifted.

“Are you in love with another man?” Arizona asked evenly.

“Damnit, Arizona, why won’t you let this drop?” Tanner demanded in a voice that rose an octave. He began to resemble a cornered animal; his hazel eyes darted around as if searching for a way to escape.

Arizona stood and moved to lean against a tree so that their eyes were level. Tanner submitted to the reckless impulse to answer Arizona’s question. “Yes, and that’s why I defend homosexuals; because I know how the rest of the world would view me for being in love with another man!”

“If you’re in love, why should you care what the rest of the world thinks?” Arizona asked solemnly. Tanner stared at him; mildly shocked to hear such words leave his friend’s mouth. “The world’s opinion doesn’t matter.”

The fleeting courage pushed Tanner over the edge and into the abyss. Something akin to tunnel vision warped Tanner’s perception, but he was used to it. “I care because you’re the rest of my world!”

Arizona’s eyes flared wide and Tanner’s mouth snapped shut. His heart thundered beneath his ribcage and Tanner wished he could go back in time and stop himself from uttering those words. The two friends stared at each other for several minutes in silence, save the sounds of the woods about them.

Tanner’s courage left in a rush, and he fled. If he heard Arizona call out to him, Tanner assured himself that he’d merely imagined it. There was no reason for Arizona to call him back to that clearing, there was no reason for Tanner to remain there and face persecution and hatred.

Time shifted and before Tanner knew what happened darkness had fallen. He blinked at the streetlights, and then at the sky. A bat flew by and Tanner swatted at mosquitoes. His mind went over the foolish confession, and Tanner couldn’t help but berate himself for running away. There was absolutely nothing to indicate that Arizona would have shown him hatred.

Home, Tanner locked himself in his bedroom with the lights out and his stereo playing his favorite classic rock radio station. If his parents were ever home, they might have been a bit concerned that their only son hadn’t eaten, but they were busy with their corporate jobs.

Colors churned behind Tanner’s closed eyes. Each color represented an emotion, and each tendril of color wove together and oscillated and pulsed. Tanner forced himself to think about anything other than what had happened earlier. His mind turned up an old memory – a conversation he and Arizona had had once after watching the news.

“I wonder if that man realized he was dying in vain?” Arizona murmured, as they lay sprawled on the couch, listening to a story of how a man had sacrificed himself to save his children.

Tanner, love purring in his chest as he gazed at Arizona, frowned and turned his attention to the television. “I couldn’t imagine how awful that would feel.”

Arizona nodded and turned his attention to Tanner. “Would you sacrifice yourself for someone, Tanner?”

The hazel-eyed teen considered his friend for a few seconds. “I would die if it saved someone I loved, yeah. I’d rather die than live without the person I loved, I think.”

“Even if the person didn’t return your feelings?” Arizona asked contemplatively. Tanner nodded and smiled lazily. “But if it’s children, then of course they’d return your love. They’re your children, after all.”

The blue-eyed teen chuckled and nodded. “I imagine you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right,” Tanner smirked. “Of course, I don’t see myself ever having to worry about sacrificing myself for kids, ‘cause I don’t think I’ll be having any ever.”

“Why not?”

Tanner blinked and stretched. “Because my parents want me to have them, of course.” Arizona accepted the excuse easily. Tanner knew he would, though.

“Because,” Tanner explained to the memory Arizona, “I can’t have children with you. You’re a man.” He sighed and buried his face in his pillow. After a few more minutes, Tanner fell asleep.

The next morning Tanner readied himself for school glumly. He didn’t want to face Arizona, but he didn’t have much choice. The school’s attendance policy was strict; there was no way for him to get away with not going without parental consent, and he knew better than to ask for a day off. His parents would demand to know why, and he’d never been any good at faking illness.

Tanner wanted to crumble when he walked through the doors and saw Arizona talking to a cheerleader in a short skirt. He forced himself to ignore them, telling himself he had no right to feel that way just because he’d been an idiot and told Arizona how he felt.

“I don’t think teenagers are old enough to know what love is,” Arizona said just behind Tanner as he unlocked his locker at the end of the day. Tanner jumped and spun around, his back slamming into the blue metal. “You have a crush, nothing more.”

Tanner stared at Arizona, flabbergasted, before bristling. “Don’t pretend to know the extent of my feelings,” he growled. Arizona’s eyes roved over Tanner, assessing the other teenager. Tanner was disconcerted by the look, as well as the unreadable emotions swirling in Arizona’s blue eyes.

Arizona snorted and his eyes narrowed a little. “I’m not pretending, Tanner.” He turned his head to gaze out one of the large windows; his eyes seemed to drink in the sunlight and cheerful scenery beyond the walls of the high school.

Crushing self-loathing and guilt churned unexpectedly in Tanner’s chest. He bit his lip, hoping he hadn’t actually offended or upset Arizona. Then he realized how irrational that was, because Arizona didn’t have much right to be offended or upset. If anyone did, it was Tanner. He narrowed his eyes, frustrated, and tried to gain Arizona’s attention; he realized, when he reached out to tap Arizona’s shoulder, that the other teen was standing much closer than he’d realized.

“Even if your feelings really were that of love, I don’t deserve them.” Arizona declared suddenly, turning blank eyes towards Tanner. Tanner stared, startled by Arizona’s words.

“What the hell are you talking about? You’re just as worthy of love as anyone else, Arizona,” Tanner started. Arizona shook his head violently, placing his hands on either side of Tanner’s shoulders, effectively trapping him.

“No, I’m not. So, if you actually do love me, stop it. Find someone else, someone who deserves your love.” Arizona growled. Tanner stared at him with wide eyes, his heart aching. He’d had no idea that Arizona thought of himself in such a way.

“I don’t know why you think that way, Arizona. You’re a good person; you’re caring and hardworking. You volunteer at homeless shelters, donate and recycle. I’ve seen you give a homeless guy your coat in the middle of winter even though you wouldn’t be returning to any place warm for sometime!” Tanner retorted.

Arizona narrowed his eyes. “Because I’m…I’m…” Arizona stammered. “I’m a terrible person on the inside, Tanner. You’re selfless and you deserve someone who can give you what you want.”

Tanner let out a frustrated sigh. “You’re what I want, Arizona!” He reached up and grabbed a hold of Arizona’s wrists, squeezing gently. “I. Love. You.”

“You should stop.”

Tanner stared at Arizona as if the other teen had lost his mind. “It’s not something I can just decide to quit, you idiot. Loving someone isn’t like a game or puzzle you start and decide to just quit because you’re bored with it!” Tanner cried indignantly.

Arizona looked pained and he pressed closer. “You should stop, Tanner. It isn’t good for you to feel that way about me; it’ll only get you hurt.”

Tanner snarled a little. “I can’t stop loving you just because you want me to, Arizona. Besides, I’m used to hurting.”

Arizona opened his mouth to reply when a commotion distracted them. They turned their heads to see one of the underclassman brandishing a gun frantically while fellow students cried out and scrambled to get away from him.

“You don’t have to acknowledge my feelings for you, Arizona, nor do you have to accept that they’re as deep as they are,” Tanner muttered quickly before acting on impulse.

“It isn’t possible for you to love me that deeply,” Arizona hissed. Tanner growled and pushed Arizona down in the same second that the gunman began shooting. Several girls screamed shrilly and Tanner gripped Arizona’s shoulders tightly, keeping the other from going anywhere as panic and the fierce desire to protect Arizona coiled in his chest like fiery snakes.

“Tanner, what are you doing? Get down!” Arizona choked, tugging on Tanner’s arm.

“Shut up,” Tanner whispered urgently. He wished his body were bigger, so that he could shield Arizona better. Arizona tugged on Tanner’s arm harder, growing desperate. His blue eyes locked onto the gunman, who was moving closer to them.

Tanner shrank down, practically molding himself to Arizona, as his eyes watched the gunman with an alertness he’d never experienced before. He realized, as the underclassman neared, that he recognized the man. The gunman was a homophobe, retaliating on the judge’s decision to overturn Proposition Eight. Tanner tried and failed to stifle a low moan. The gunman whirled around and spotted them.

“Your father failed!” He cried, pointing the pistol at a part of Arizona that was still exposed.

A feral growl escaped Tanner’s throat and he threw himself at the gunman in the same instant that he pulled the trigger. Arizona stared in shock as Tanner slammed into the insane gunman, knocking them both to the ground. His ears rang from the deafening thunder of the gun and his limbs trembled.

“T-Tanner!” Arizona called as he forced himself to his feet. Police burst into the building and had the gunman and Tanner surrounded within seconds. Arizona shoved his way through, ignoring the police officers that grabbed his arms in favor of going limp upon seeing Tanner lying in a pool of blood.

Arizona screamed. His heart clenched and shattered. He allowed the officers holding his arms to drag him to the paramedics who had arrived with the cops. They checked him over, diagnosed him as being in shock, and had him sent to the hospital.

When Tanner’s parents spoke with Arizona, he was numb. He hardly remembered what he said to them, but he knew he told them why Tanner had jumped at the gunman. When they left, Arizona lay against the hard hospital bed and stared at the ceiling. Regret clung to his ribs, along with what felt like a million other emotions that he couldn’t identify.

Later that year, on a day pass that allowed him to leave the psyche ward, Arizona went to Tanner’s grave. He stared at the white marble angel, and the inscription at the bottom, just above Tanner’s name. Arizona bit his lip as tears fell from his eyes.

“Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? -Ernest Gains”