Soliloquy

I can dive deep, and I can fly high. I rise Celestial. The valley where we flirt is cool, dark, damp. A pool of lily pads stands in the middle of our Valley, surrounded by dark green firs and dark, dark tree tops. No light penetrates this Valley, because I don’t have to stay here…. I spread my arms and fly high, high, high above the dark trees; spiral like a galaxy and float on eagles’ wings. I don’t need him to teach me how to fly…..

He is in the Valley now; I feel his presence, but I don’t hear his feet on the millions of shed leaves on the valley floor. I see him now: he is talking with Another like himself. As if I didn’t exist. As if I can’t see his eyes find me behind the tall trees. As if I didn’t see him there, finding me without looking for me…..

I giggle to myself, exhilarated by his Look. He is Beautiful, Altogether Lovely. Fierce. There is a Promise in his look that sends shivers down my back, tingles all through the synovial fluid without red cells coursing through my body. My desire is towards him, to draw his attentions to me, to control his reaction. To conquer him.

He can be conquered, yes….I take a flying leap into the lily padded pool and become a Mermaid. Perfect. The effect is instant – exciting. I am made Perfection, Naked and not ashamed. I watch for his eyes through the trunks of trees, many hundreds of miles away. Vision-perfect. If he could be drawn, he will be here soon enough. Not soon enough, my Love….. 

But his look frightens me. So Fierce, my Love? Is it to hurt, or to consum(mat)e…..or both…..? My Love cannot be conquered: he is Over All, dominates all. To challenge his authority is to die, easily die, with one Touch of his breath…..

Like a Rushing, Mighty Wind he is already where I am, and now I am Wraith. Afraid like I am guilty: guilty of addressing this Master like a man, this Warrior-Prince like only a shepherd boy. Diving into despair, the impervious pond bottom rushes up to meet my terrified flight.

Spiraling out of control, I rush terrified into the cool firmament of grey, into the safety of dark spaces. Maybe Andromeda, the Sisters, Orion….out of his arms, from the Fierce Love in his eyes. 

Once, twice….nearly caught by his Hand; one touch of his hand on my ankle, and my mind screams in terror. So fierce, my love…..? So fierce….?
There is no sea that will hide me, there is no Black Hole so deep I cannot feel his presence at my back, his hand on my shoulder. Galaxies form roof-tops above my head, nebulas do not let me pass. I fall, Terrestrial. Over house-tops, and under crevices of rocks….Hide me! Hide me! Faster, and faster…. Super hero-style.

Night has fallen in my Valley, my Lover pursues me relentlessly, but it is not his domination I crave – it is mine. Turned in on me, inside out, I cringe behind a pillar. But I am no longer Celestial, I am Terrestrial and others see my nakedness for what it is – Perfection soiled. I thought I drew my Cloak of Invisibility tightly around my form, but their eyes still look at me curiously, like I am an Angel Fallen. 

I have lost my Love in my fear, I don’t know where he is……Where will I go? This Warrior will find me soon….not soon enough, my love…..I am not ready: I never was. My desire is still towards him, when I remember his Other Love – and his desire is still for me. On the cool, deep bed of shed leaves in the valley I walk – not fly – across the cool valley….. His other love was sweet, complete. Is this it then? That his Full Love consumes, like fire destroys dross….?

Rough stones prop a decaying structure in which Others wait, wait for him – like me, trembling in dread. But I love him – why are they afraid…so afraid?  I stand, Soiled but not ashamed, thinking about this Other Lover, the one who looks for me amidst hundreds of trees, a million miles away…..

But these are afraid, drawn up like soldiers in camps on the valley floor, every man a house, and every house waiting. I don’t know the people in my “house”: they are not my “family” but we share many familiarities which I don’t understand…..Waiting patiently, they say, to be interviewed by a Prince.

I rush out, Terrestrial, barefooted and soiled, but I know where My Lover is! I will arise and go to meet him, when it’s my turn, soiled and barefooted and I will explain why I ran from him, so far away from our covenant love. Wandering, wandering like a Soul Lost, though not lost.  Waiting to be found by Him - only by him….

A Court? Judgment? Dare you judge me, who lay cringing in fear in your dilapidated soul? At least I know who judges me; do you? He, my Lover, has called you here, not me. He, my Lover, has sought me; not you……

I can dive deep, I can fly high. I am his Love. He has called Judgment to find me, called from the four winds “Give up, ye four winds! Give up, ye deeps of waters: call my Elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven….”

There is a Promise in his look that sends shivers down my back, tingles all through the synovial fluid without red cells coursing through my body. I can’t wait to hear his Voice, to hear his declaration of Love, when I come into his Presence.

Make haste, my beloved; find me and make me yours….