Team-Napped

Team-napped
.by Tiffany Squires on Tuesday, 12 January 2010 at 15:14.In the last office, on the highest floor, in the tallest building, the very mischievous plan was conceived. If only the boys had seen it coming. Wait actually they should have seen it coming. The original plan was to just take one or two boys, not the whole team and their mascot. We still feel pretty bad for him, and wishing he has a full recovery, poor kid. Aside from the bumps and bruises I’m sure they really enjoyed it.
The day started off great. The we had a fool-proof plan, or so we thought. The plan was set, the car was jammed packed and we were ready to go. The trip was going to be long so they stopped for some coffee and to go over the plan one more time.

The plan, in a nutshell, was to attend the out of town hockey game, cheer our hearts out, then kidnap just a few of the sexiest players we’d had been pining for. And of course eventually return them safe and sound. But sure as shit, things never go as planned. So we got there early, nervous yet excited to see our guys. The game, not that we remember much of it, was a huge blow out. Us winning by a landslide of 12 point. So that just seemed to be a bigger omen. So our plan was to lure the man over to assist us with a flat tire, what man could resist helping a damsel in distress. Everything seemed to be going according to plan when the first man we kidnapped didn’t come out of the locker room alone, we couldn’t risk having any witnesses. Although he wasn’t on the list, we took him too. The rush from the first two kidnappings got us so excited, we couldn’t wait for our next target to come through the doors. Thankfully we didn’t have to wait very long, But we were quick to see that every target was using the buddy system, it was almost as if they had been tipped off. Bastards! By the time we were through we had the whole team, plus the mascot (don’t ask we have no idea how he ended up in the mix)unconscious in the back of the van. The unconsciousness was a complete accident, we have no idea how that happened either.

Little did we know that as soon as we had rounded the corner with the last of the team members, their coach exited the building, and noticed his team was no where in sight. So he hopped no the bus to see if maybe they were already on and ready to go. Of course the bus was completely empty with the exception of the bus driver, who hadn’t seen anything. So coach got off the bus and looked around but the only thing he found was a bright pink hair scrunchii, but he couldn’t decide if it belonged to one of the potential abductors or to one of his players.

Meanwhile back in the van, we hadn’t been prepared for the nastiest, rankest, body odor we had ever come across. Clearly a few had opted out of showering after the game, and we had our suspicions they also opted out of deodorant too. And the mascot kid definitely had the distinct odor of cheese. So by now you should now it was definitely ruining the mood. We realized that most of the stank was coming from their equipment, so we shoved them out, and mind you we didn’t stop to do it. Well the blast of cold air from the open door started to rouse the boys. so things started to get a little out of control after that. So one of our accomplices took it upon herself to be a floozy and flash them all to silence. Surprisingly it worked!

Back at the empty bus the couch began to get a little frantic. He had no idea who would kidnap an entire hockey team, or why for that matter. The only logical conclusion he could come to was that the other team must have had a hand in it, seeing as how his just got done thoroughly spanking their ass. The only thing that kept flashing through his mind was blade hanging upside down somewhere in a barn being beaten to death like a piñata. So thinking he couldn’t live with something like that on his conscious he phoned the police. As the police arrive the investigation ensues. Questioning of the other team begins. A few officers report back, chuckling, that when they knocked on the other teams doors and asked if they had seen the jackals team, they had never seen so many grown men cry so hard while slamming the door in their faces. Who knew they would take the loss so hard.

After an extensive search (a few hours) the coach was forced to return home with out his beloved team. Only to travel short distance down the highway to come across sticks, jerseys, skates, jock stapes, and eventually the mascot head. The coach now tearing up as he thinks about that poor young man, and the terrible fate of possibly hanging upside down in a deserted barn being battered around by brooms like a kitten with play toys. Overcome with emotions the coach falls to his knees, and shaking his fists to the heavens, he says “ Why God, why this little boy? Did he not get the crowd pumped enough for you?” But with the help of the bus driver the coach collects himself. They know what they had to do, SAVE THE MASCOT!

Back in the van, we finally approached our holding barn, and the boys have grown restless, some complaining they have to pee, Eew somebody farted and constantly asking “are we there yet?” I swear one of the girls hit them, I heard a “thud” followed by an “ouch” and then a “shut up” It was one hell of a ride. We are civilized kidnappers, but geez these boys are like 5 year old, something we hadn’t planned on, and we swore we would never do this again. Once inside of the barn, we tied them to chairs until we decided how to disperse them between us females. Luckily for the boys we were back in our cheerful mood so we could properly congratulate them on their victory.


Finally retuning home feeling sullen and not knowing what to do coach contacts the local press. After holding a press conference where he pleads for the teams safe return, he seeks solitude in his office where he can cry his out eyes out in private. Between alerting family members, crying his eyes out , he uses his favorite magazine as a pillow and falls into a fitful slumber. After a very restless evening coach awakens in a pool of his own drool to the sound of the local newspaper being delivered. Rushing to his office door he picks up the newspaper and there splattered across the front page reads:


Hockey Team Disappears!
coach stunned!

Just after the teams victory last night they were reported last seen in the Reading locker room. Coach fears local red-necks are to blame. The only pieces of evidence
found were the teams equipment and mascot uniform scattered along the highway.
Also a pink scrunchii left at the scene of the crime. Only words from the coach
to the abductors “please bring our boys home safely and before the next game.”
If you have any information please call the local police department.

After reading the article the coach begins to well up again. Thoughts of the mascot start to form in his head again.

After a lengthy active night with the guys, we wake up to find that our team-napping has been plastered across every newspaper, and broadcasted on ever radio show and news station. But as we would have it luck was on our side. They were blaming the local Reading Red-Necks! No one suspected it could be a group of girl fans. So we decided to act quickly to return the boys(who by the way were thoroughly satisfied) and make our escape before we were found out. So we strapped our little five year olds into the van and make our way back home. Occasionally stopping to re-adjust the guys in the back so each got equally felt up by the girl we left In charge of them. Once we were sure the guys wouldn’t squeal on us we returned them to the coach but only in their skivvies. Coach was so relived he started crying again, and we made our quick escape, before anyone noticed.

Utterly shocked and impressed with ourselves we went to the local Denny’s for a bite to eat and rave about how exciting and fulfilling our evening was. Somewhere in the mists of our gossiping someone came up with the bright idea that we should go to other countries, and kidnap former team players. We all thought it was a wonderful idea, so before we knew it, we had all of our stuff packed and we were on the plane headed for Ireland first, and then to Rome. When in Rome, kidnap a hockey player.

Several days later, after we landed in Ireland we reminisced upon our great adventure, we suddenly remember that the mascot was still hanging upside in the barn… Poor boy.