Some people gain an extra 15lbs away at university . . . I lost 15lbs. |
Most people grow fifteen pounds their freshman year of college The methodologies behind such gains are for, all intents and purposes, grossly transparent: Be it the late-night self-medicated stress appetite Exacerbated by the decision just minutes earlier To go ahead and add a little THC to your Xanax high - Or the evenings of innumerable keg-stands coerced by jeering faceless crowds And a poorly-thought desire to flex your drinker’s stamina Followed by near black-out excursions to your local 24/7 eatery Where you and your intoxicated compatriots storm The value menu like it’s Omaha Beach on the 6th of June, circa 1944 Feasting like malnourished canines on whatever combination of vaguely multi-cultural Fast-food slop you managed to order while focusing entirely on the possibility That you may indeed vomit on the disheveled night-staffer at the till Whose professional demeanor belies his underlying urge to quit on the spot As he screams the self-righteous soliloquy of resignation that he’s been drafting for nearly a year - Or perhaps its just that the overwhelming credit load that your naive decision to triple major Has pigeon-holed you to leaves little time for a daily sweat at the campus Rec - Or maybe it’s a combination of all three … And so regardless of the pendantic narrative jabs Most people grow fifteen pounds their freshman year of college But I didn’t In fact, I lost fifteen pounds And sometimes I think it came off my soul. |