Feelings of an Adoptee |
Every year I end up in the bathroom [no matter where I am] and I cry. It’s just a rough time of year and only going to get worse. I’ve been told countless times, look at what you have around you, be grateful for what you do have… and I know I need to accept how things are and let them go, but it’s so difficult, I don’t even want to start doing so. I’m emotionally tired and drained and lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for my family, I am very grateful for having my parents, my brother, and my friends. It’s more a matter of the holidays being right around the corner, and feeling incomplete. Just because I am very grateful for my life, doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. Standing in a room with 100 people and still feeling alone. I’ve fought this battle all my life, I guess adoption does this – and while I am grateful to be adopted and not on the streets as a prostitute, there is still a part of me that feels incomplete… there is a void. I can sit here and focus on the positive until I turn old and grey but there will always be that void. The Adoption Void. This subject is not easy So please listen to what I say Just because it looks one way Doesn’t mean it’s always that way Adoptions are very solid And can sweep you off your feet But it comes with some emotions Which can taste bitter-sweet Listen to these words Realize how grateful I am But understand it comes with a price Do you think you can understand? Learning to feel the love And accepting your new life Emotions running rampant That can cut you like a knife Smiles all around you Learning to hide your fears Wondering if they’ll leave you As you fight back your tears There will always be that hole Wondering what you did so wrong Trying to understand it all While pretending to be strong 100 people surround you But you’re feeling so alone It doesn’t matter who is there Your cover has been blown You can’t hold it in any longer As tears roll down your face I know I should be grateful But it’ll never be the same Now please don’t start lecturing me “There is always a silver lining” That lies behind every dark cloud So, you better start smiling” Screw the silver lining I’m tired of people judging Some things just arent that easy Emotions aren’t always loving Put yourself in my shoes After feeling this for a while The adoption void that I feel And tell me I should smile. |