Thank you for leaving me...

Ta-Ha Mughal -------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------Shri Mata Vaishno Devi University



Thank You for Leaving Me…



After breathing the airs composed of resonating sounds, that connect me to my master; I am back, leaning against the nothingness of a never existing wall. My anaesthised eyes gazing at their submission to an addiction itself. Contrary what has never been; something beautiful is always associated with the ambience, I let my ink live by drying it. May be the beauty itself lies in how an ambience borne an untold inked legend tonight… No matter, if others recognize these drops of brine as seekers of sympathy, that are otherwise the blessing of tears to many a mirrors struggling to hold many a faces, like one of mine.

Resting the relation of my tired head and working hand, on an undiscovered social autistic heart, I am searching for a reason to write. I am searching for a reason to write about you. Not many heartbeats it took you to teach me shattering. Breaking into thousands of united pieces and falling silently back into my hem…

The last year what I had written in this tempest ( " long ago i died") demanded self-introspection, more for the writer than the masses. Being doing it, I want to sit and weep over and over again at my grave where you concreted my shrieks by an unnamed epitaph. Each time I accept peeping out of it; I get taught, many unavoidable lies, many undiscovered truths, some unmet realizations, many unfelt explanations…and, some way-outs of the cob webbing dilemmas. I even get an acceptance of being incomplete, and simultaneously some new ways to be in love with all of it, for the way it is…

I have grown a lot by this hurting.

Being in this hangover, my overburdened lids shutter my eyes only to lead me descending down the stairs of unknown depths; full of tranquility, if not silence; and, full of silence, if not words...After an obligatory search and navigation through these dark realms of spacelessness, I find a smile in a pearl on an ocean floor, behind the moss laid rock; full of green color with white tints; within the engraved messages from my lord. You were smiling, and I am honored to reveal it because I am not ashamed the way I have loved you, neither do I have any regrets (if this is what they call love for that matter). We exchanged an expressing smile but you didn’t speak. May be you didn’t care or just didn’t show, feeling no need to prove our unquestioned love... I had been strong enough to breathe, let alone the teachings of living; but, I broke right there in front of your arms because I wanted them to protect me. I used to live in dread of my feelings opening up before anybody and so, I had to laugh all the time… but, then; I could neither smile, nor could I cry…And, now; I will have to live with this emptiness anyway. My revealing eyes over ruled the concealing lips and let you know that I was not fine. How I wanted you to ask me if I had been doing okay without you, to which I would have answered a simple no. Perhaps, it was all my doing… Perhaps, I was unable to read your silence and, maybe I didn’t know the way you loved me. Now, this is what I am comforting myself with. Anyways, I am sorry, but I wanted to tell you that I wasn’t that bad…Of course; even the filth feeds the insects.

Since then, there has been a change, for my heart has stopped pounding out of my chest. May be, It even seems heartless but love to me isn’t togetherness anymore… I refrain from bonding again by the eternal bonds in the timely relations. I have chosen to escape more pain merely to live the one given by you, that is eternally mine…And, even if I share the beauty of it to everyone, I still feel myself silent; perhaps, because I want you to hear me ( in this fervency). I feel no loss of privacy, for you are a part of me- within me. Weren’t we lord’s one subject before dividing into the lover and the beloved?

You have elated me from many a faces of many a mirrors that broke from the eternal transparency, teaching me how to scatter in this world. Freeing me from the clutch of needs, you have unknowingly filled the air around me by resonating sensations of love that I now breathe in with you and its creator itself. As you swayed away drawing me closer, there was no hope of you to come back, I slowly did away with all of my needs until I realized that expectations from you would be only the weakness of my love. You, as anything else had a reason to be in my life, for your tormenting stare held hidden a message within your steady receding steps…

I am paining my soul in unrest as each dusk falls by, in a hope of getting it palliated by you, some day. Life could have been wonderful had it been for your warm embrace…Nevertheless, you left me beautifully. Thank you.



“This is the world. Here you buy a farm, sow some seeds, reap the crops and store grains. As you do the process, you watch the barren land getting fertile only to house some saplings. Overwhelmed with happiness, you water them every day to witness their growth. It gives meaning to your land that usually is else wise a ground. Similar is the happening between a mother and her child or between a festival and the crackers. Selflessly sunken in love with the production, no one gets the time to analyze its being- not you; not a mother or a festival. It gives you grains one day. You relish the bliss of being not blind and praise the producer (your lord) even without knowing it. You cannot justify the bequests showered upon you that are much beyond the adjectives of your language- ecstasy, melancholy, joy or sorrow. No; it’s beyond that. Can you witness the whole treasure of grains at a single point, even if the whole land belongs to you? Even if you think the land owner is you? Shouldn’t you get maddened, hadn’t it been for your producer to restrict the angle of vision? You see only a handful, and realize it! before shouting proclamations. To see the grains you’ve never seen before; visit the plants your producer has planted not in the front but adjacent to you. Remove the barbed wires and trespass not the lands, but your pseudo-limits (for you are only a care-taker). Go beyond yourself and let the adjacent neighbor be neither adjacent nor a neighbor, if you want your plants to get your baskets loaded with grains.

Then, you store the grains in a granary without a lock having fully trusted your producer without learning that trust upon your lord should be a dominant after lord’s trust upon you dominates your actions (that are to be guided by your thoughts). Doesn’t a child make you running around in love and irritation altogether; and, can you impose restrictions on a cracker meant to burn for the sake of delight?

On your part, unlocked granary thus paves the way for someone who has the devastation as his chosen destiny- a thief. He chooses the wrong since he desires to be wronged and not because the ambience was not right. Your loss helps him gain something even if it violates the righteous. Why shouldn’t I see it as a comfort and make you see too? And, so it happens- your nurtured grains are stolen and you start thumping your chest as if parting wasn’t your destiny else wise! You part even when you yourself frequent the market for auctioning them. So what will this blaming your producer end you into; when he never blames on his part? Even if you ever blunder to blame him; retreat, for he well understands much prior to you, that you  (yourself) chose your market or get them stolen all for yourself. The grains are a tenant (what you realize at last) only to get you paid here (if you yourself sell them) or, hereafter in the world within this world- the eternal unseen world of spaces (if you let them get stolen inadvertently).

I advise you to learn how a cracker should be taught burning only in necessity. Without a festival even a series of fireworks exploding is said to be an accident; while as a single is known to delight (as a cracker) on an occasion. Protect your grain producing plants from ignition during such accidents. Better, find a festival for illuminating the roof of your land in which beware to teach direction to any of its flames! (Because flames, smoke and soot like many other examples are simply not meant to dwell together, under a one roof home.) Don’t get moved away in this estate of boozing; remember, that you have been given the grains after the granary wherein your producer wants you to store a portion of your harvest that you never sell for never purchasing it. Eternal assets; see if you don’t.

Before becoming a memory, let me leave you with a grain of love that I intentionally hand-picked from your possession especially for this farewell… ‘Love for the one who created you to love me’. I had to give wise notes at my end, for you to rewrite them as wisdom in the journey of your lonely moves…I am happy for us because certainly, we are within each other till the last leaf falls…we are our lord’s one subject and let’s not decide the lover and the beloved, amongst us. I am seceding away slowly because I want you to stop me; And; I know, my silence is still creeping between thousands of those wounds you want me to look at. Trust me; some grains do suffice than the whole lot…For a lifetime; I shall await our eternal reunion because comforted together in an embrace isn’t an individual choice but our destiny. Until we meet again, just wanted you to know that I left you because I loved you…”



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