Call me fat will you?

So I had this friend a long time ago.  Her name was Christy and she was just a couple years younger than me.  I met her at my job where we both worked at the time.  We became pretty good friends, not best friends but good enough we talked about pretty much anything.  Christy had a kind heart and when I met her she was overweight.  Not just overweight by a few pounds but she was pushing around 350 pounds.  She was married to an abusive jerk at the time.  He never physically abused her but he knew how to manipulate her without ever touching her.  Christy had a horrible self image and thought he was all she deserved.  Well eventually she started getting better in all ways possible.  First of all she started losing weight a little at a time.  First a few pounds then more and more.  In what seemed like just a few months she had lost almost 200 pounds.  She started wearing nicer clothes and she worked out religiously at the gym.  Once she got small enough she underwent laser surgery for skin problems resulting from her obesity and she then got breast implants.  She wasn’t glamorously beautiful but she became an entirely different person as if the old her was nonexistent.  She was happy and upbeat at all times.
Well now that you have a baseline of what Christy was like and what she went through I will tell you about a talk we had once.  She wasn’t the greatest when it came to grammar and she tried using verbal clichés often but most of the time didn’t pronounce them right or all together butchered them.    We talked about our personal lives often but one time it was all I could do not to die from laughter during a talk we had.  I only managed to control myself due to the serious nature of the matter at hand. Christy was thinking of divorcing her husband and came to me for advice and my opinion.

So I tried again last night to talk to him and he just laughed in my face and called me a fat cow.  ME! I mean I used to be a fat cow but look at me now.  I have never taken pride in myself ever until now and he won’t beat me down anymore.  You know how big he is but for some reason that has never been an issue.  I told him, no, I screamed at him, “WELL ISNT THAT THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE FAT”.  Christy just sat there breathing hard looking at me with what we joke about are her angry eyes!
I just stared at her wondering if I should tell her of the verbal faux pas she just made but figured she must have meant to do that.    I got my best game face on and said, “Well what did he say after that?  Did he have any snarky rebuttals or did he finally realize he is an idiot”?
“No he just laughed at me.  He laughed at me as he always does so I finally just blurted it out.  I actually said, “I want a divorce”.  She was smiling gleefully more than I’ve ever seen her.  I tell you Bill he is lucky I am not a violent woman as I could easily dispose of him in many different ways.  Trust me I have thought of more than he could ever imagine.  Bill, he looked at me square in the eye and without flinching said, “You are an unorganized moron and you will never be able to make it on your own”.  He had the biggest poop eating grin on his face and it was all I could do not kicking him in the groin.

“You need to do it Christy”.  I could barely contain myself now and my stomach hurt from keeping the laughter inside bottled up tight.  “To hell with him and just leave him.  You can come stay with the wife and I if you need a place and just put your stuff in storage”
“Thanks Bill that means the world to me.  I will need a few days though to get all my ducks in the shower”, she mused thoughtfully.  “You know I have nothing but good feelings about this.  I should have done this a long time ago and he is going to regret loosing me”. I think before I start getting my stuff together I’m going to go pick up the dog crap in the yard and hide it in his car”.

I couldn’t control myself any longer and the laugh I let out, due in part to her dog poop comment and the rest to her misquotes, felt such a relief and Christy not knowing again of her grammar snafu laughed along with me.  She was such a good friend I just let it go as I usually do.  I was so happy she was moving on with her life.  I had tried so hard for so long to get her to it felt like an accomplishment for both of us. 
“Bill” she finally said when she could catch her breath from laughing with me.  “I had hired a PI to watch him last week and look what I found out”.  She pulled out a manila envelope and took out a stack of 8x10 photos and handed them to me.  In all his glossy goodness her husband was, shall we say, in flagrante delicto, with a very buxom and very young blonde in what appeared to be Motel 6 off of the main hwy outside of town.  I looked up at Christy and she had a very large smile on her face like a cat that just caught a rat.
“You know what they say my old friend.  “A bird in the hand is worth two in the tush”!

The end was here and we both proceeded to die from laughter rolling on the ground!


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