Killing Zeus

The back door opened and out walked a grossly fat man wearing boxers and a wife-beater under a horrific metallic gold silk robe. Gold chains jingled around his neck as he waddled through the dog poo littered yard with an open tin of dog food clutched in his sweaty right hand. As he walked I mused about the fact that no matter how fat a man gets, he always seems to have a flat bum. The fat man reached a cement entertaining area and entered the domain of what, in the last few months, had become my mortal enemy; Zeus. Zeus was one of those vicious looking guard dog types.

Only when my fat new neighbour touched his bowl did Zeus finally quit his four hour barking vigil. While Zeus was hoovering his breakfast, endless howling works up quite the appetite apparently, my neighbour looked up at the bedroom window where I was watching; the bastard had a smirk on his greasy Greek face. Then he turned and waddled back to his house.

"What is this neighbourhood coming too?" I asked, shaking my head as I had done the previous 20 mornings in a row.

"Are you still whining about that dumb dog, Walter?" my wife, Evelyn, asked from her cosy position under the covers.

"Still!" I replied, more high pitched than I intended. Turning around and glaring at the lump of blanket representing my wife, I continued. "That man does not belong in this town; ergo, that dog does not belong in this town."

"He could afford the house dear, and that I am afraid is the only criteria."

"Everyone in this town come by their money the old fashioned way...we inherited it! We worked our backsides off to build on it and we deserve the right to retire in peace. Then this fat idiot, with his fleet of souvlaki carts, buys in and plummets our land prices. And another thing," I was on a roll now, "who needs a dog like that in a gated community?"

I turned to see an empty bed and the sight of Evelyn's robe swishing down the hall toward the stairs.

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After a coffee and shower I was in a relatively good mood as I headed out into the garden. I had started to build the garden behind the pool along the fence where I intended it to eventually wrap around the lush lawn that had finally started to root down. As I walked along daydreaming about what my yard would look like next spring, I did not realise how close I was to the side fence.

Out of nowhere, Zeus' head appeared about the fence line accompanied by an evil low growl. I half jumped, half fell away from the fence landing on the rock lining to the path and ripping tendons in my ankle. I screamed in pain as I crawled back towards the house. "I want to kill that Dog!" I whispered between clenched teeth.

I didn't mean it when I said it, then I heard something that set in motion a chain reaction leading to the only action I have ever regretted in my life. I heard the fat man laughing. He had been out cleaning the piles of Zeus crap off his lawn when the incident had happened.

"Oh, come on Mr Walter, he only wanted to say hello." He started laughing again.

When I finally reached the house I went to the kitchen pantry to get some pain pills. As I was fishing around my wife spoke while looking in the fridge.

"We need some meat, Walt. You can go to the butcher on the way back from Dr. Young." She said.

"And I need some more sleeping pills. If I can just get one nights sleep without that dog barking I would be fine." I replied.

"Maybe you should give the dog the sleeping pills." She laughed. And suddenly a plot formed in my head.

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Later that night, when Evelyn had retired to bed, I put my plan into action. Going to the fridge, I removed the steak that I had bought surplus to Eve's shopping list and hidden from her in a separate bag. Laying the steak on the counter I went into the pantry and retrieved my medicine box. I pulled out the new bottle of sleeping pills and dumped half the contents in to pestle and mortar and then slowly and quietly started crushing them into a fine powder; in between furtive glances towards the stairs.

With the powder made, I grabbed the steak and thoroughly coated it in the pill dust. As an extra I also pushed a few whole pills into the meat.

With my steak prepared I headed out into the back yard, treading lightly towards the fence so as not to disturb Zeus. The last thing I wanted was for my wife to have reason to look out the window and see me. All was going well until, about two metres from the fence I slammed my bad ankle into one of Eve's stupid garden gnomes and let out a cry that I just managed to catch before it was big enough to wake her or the fat man. But it was enough to wake Zeus; he started towards the fence barking and growling. I panicked, threw the steak over and hobbled back to the sanctuary of the kitchen.

It was a few hours until I could get to sleep, but what a sleep it was.

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I lay smiling at the ceiling, listening to the silence. It was beautiful. But it did not last long.

"Zeus! Zeus!" My heart sank; the stupid dog was still out. I was sure he would be over it by now.

"Did you do something to my Zeus? He is not breathing."

My eyes shot open and I sat up so fast I was dizzy for a moment. I crept over to the window and peered down. My fat neighbour was on his knees cradling the limp body of Zeus. His shoulders were shuddering and I swallowed with great difficulty. I turned back inside, my mind was racing, what was I going to do.

I heard the back door to the fat man's house close and I peeked out the window again. There didn't seem to be any trace of the steak, the dog must have ate the lot. I started to relax; no evidence, no problem.


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That day and the next passed without incident, and I had two of the most glorious nights of sleep since I retired. But on the third day I was awoken by a persistent knocking at the door.

With trepidation I descended the stairs and felt my heart go to my throat when I heard what was being yelled between each knock.

"Police, Mr Greenfeld."

I relaxed considerably when I saw who the officer was. I opened the door with a forced smile.

"Tommy, my dear boy." I over-enthused. "How is the old man?" Tommy's father was one of my fellow former members on the Greenfeld Industries board.

"Ah, good, good, Mr Greenfeld." Tommy said embarrassed. "Um, look, I'm really sorry to have to come out here Sir but Mr Nicodemou has made a complaint against you."

"Who?" I replied.

Tommy pointed to the fat man's house. "Your neighbour, Mr Nicodemou. He says you poisoned his dog."

I forced a laugh." That is stupid; I don't even know the man."

"Yeah, well...” Tommy looked unsure and I decided to push him a little.

"Look Tommy, I've known you for years, right? Donated money to your junior football club when it was going under. And don't forget, I wrote the reference to the Police Academy for you."

Tommy was wavering, I had him. Then the fat man emerged from his house and started over, all the while yelling. It was torture to watch, he was waddling so slowly and Tommy was still looked undecided about what to do. My future moved in slow motion.

Just as the fat man arrived, the trump card dropped into my head. It was so obvious but I had been too nervous to think of it earlier. "I introduced you to Karen, Tommy, remember." Tommy's shoulders slumped as the fat man started yelling again.

"You killed Zeus! Arrest him, officer."

"I don't feel there is any evidence to go forward with Mr Nicodemou." Tommy said in a whisper.

The fat man's face dropped, he looked from me to Tommy with disbelief. He saw what was happening and knew the law was not going to help him. He backed up, nodding his sweaty head ever so slightly, then turned and headed home.

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After a few days the sudden bursts of guilt subsided and I started to feel good about my Zeus free existence. Until the ninth morning at least.

I sat bolt upright as the shriek pierced right through me. Then another, and another. I slipped out of bed and headed towards the window as shriek after shriek blasted in through the glass. Through bleary eyes I saw the fat man standing next to a massive chain link aviary full of cockatoos. God awful, noisy cockatoos.

The fat man smiled up at me. “Thank you, Mr Walter. If you hadn't killed Zeus I would not be able to have these lovely birds."

I turned back to Evelyn, who was watching me with disgust. "Where is the number for our real estate broker?" I asked.