Last Night

There I was.. sitting in the hallway right next to my room.  Smoking a cigarette as I sat there.  I looked over and there was the bed waiting for me, but i couldn't do it.  Ever been fucked up, but understand everythings that happeneing.  That's exactly how it was.  The bed didn't even look comfortable. I rather sleep on the floor.  I just sat there.  My eyes were barely open, but I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried.  The bed looked like death.  Going to bed seemed like death.  It wasn't because I felt I wouldn't wake up in the morning, but because I had no reason to wake up in the morning.  What's tomarrow going to bring.  Ever realize you have nothing to live for?  Feel so miserable and tired, but too awake for your own good?  Tomarrow's a better day.. says who?  If today's not good, what are the chanced tomarrows going to be better?  The cigarette finally went out.. and I still just sat there.  Why bother getting up?


"KP," my friend said my name from the bed wondering what I was doing.


"I'm good," i said back to her.  Lying completely.  I'm sure she knew I wasn't good, but she doesn't know how bad, but why tell her.  Why make someone else feel what I do.  No one ever deserves to feel like this.


I could here her rustling about the bed going to get up to check on me.  I wanted to tell her how bad I felt.  How miserable I am.  How much I hate everything, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.


I closed my eyes.. and got up.  I did it for her, so she wouldn't worry.  So she could sleep.


I took all my energy and came to the bed.. and I just laid there miserable until she feel asleep, so I could write.  So I can get out everything I'm feeling.


I never felt so alone.  I still feel so alone.