Terra

If anyone reviews this, thank you very much. If anyone doesn't, please rate it. Even if you don't read it all the way through (in which case I'll assume you didn't because it didn't hold your attention) please rate it and tell me what you thought of the part you read.



To anyone who does read all the way through and decides to review, I'd like to know (a) if this is actually funny, (b) what you thought of the characters and (c) just how you liked it in general. Thank you!!!





Prologue

Through the Closet



(Miranda enters up SR aisle.)



Rosa (from top of SR aisle): Get back here Miranda, you little nerd!



Miranda (panting and looking around): Gotta... hide somewhere. Need to... catch my breath. No way I can outrun Rosa. (looks SL) Hey, a closet! I bet she’d never look there! (exits SL)



Rosa (running up SR aisle): Don’t think I won’t catch you! After all that, there’s nowhere you can hide! (looks SL) Hey, a closet! I bet she’s hiding in there! (exits SL)



Erin (comes up SR aisle with Miss Baker): That's right Miss Baker! Rosa was so mad about it, she's been chasing Miranda all through the school!



Miss Baker: Well Erin, we'd better find them before Rosa does something drastic! (they look around)



Erin (looks SL): Hey, a closet! I bet Miranda’s hiding in there!



Miss Baker: Maybe. I’ll go check. (exits SL)



Erin (to audience): Miranda had better be OK. Otherwise, Rosa’ll find out what it means to mess with my little sister.



Miss Baker (enters SL): I don’t see either of them. Let’s keep looking.



Erin: OK. After all, someone’s bound to have seen them sprinting through the halls. (both exit up SL aisle)





Scene 1

Terra



(Scene takes place in a forest. Miranda enters SR and walks to CS, staring around. Then Rosa enters SR.)



Rosa: I otta pound you good. Because of you, I've got detention for a month! I otta...



Miranda (meekly): I get that you’re mad, but—



Rosa: QUIET!



Miranda: Just look where we are. (Rosa looks around and sees the forest)



Rosa: What happened to the closet?



Miranda: I... I don't know. Maybe the closet was a magical gateway to this place. Maybe this is a magical place, a fairy tale kingdom.



Rosa: Yeah, and my name is Mary Poppins. C'mon let's explore. I'll beat you up later.



Miranda (sarcastic): Oh goody!



Rosa: What did you say?



Miranda: Nothing.



(Belinda enters from SR)



Rosa: Who are you?



Belinda: I am Belinda, elf of the forest.



Miranda: Could you tell us what this place is?



Rosa: It's Narnia, right?



Belinda: What's Narnia? This is the world of Terra. This is a magical kingdom where fairies, mermaids, humans, elves, and centaurs all live in harmony.



Rosa: Oh, great. It's not Narnia, it's a bad fairy tale!



Miranda: Maybe it is, Mary, maybe it is.



Belinda (ignores them): But strife has fallen into the land. The leaders of all our races have been—



Rosa: Lemme guess. They've all be kidnapped by some evil, jealous lord who is throwing this perfect balance outta whack, all in an attempt to get his ransom and then use the royalty for his own purposes and become king of the world!



Belinda: How did you know that? I thought you were new here!



Rosa: Uhg! This place is whacked. I’m gonna go look for a closet to jump into. (exits SL)



Miranda: I think she's wrong. I love it here. I've never fit in at home. I have 8 brothers and sisters, so my parents don't spend much time with any of us. That's especially true for me, as I'm one of the older ones, so my parent's think I'm more independent. We also moved last year, so I'm the new, shy girl at school, the one who always gets picked on. I love it here because it's so calm and peaceful, and I know I've only met you so far, but if feels like absolutely anyone will fit in! Even me!



Rosa (enters SL): I heard something about feelings and belonging and loving it here and never fitting in and other sissy stuff like that, and I was wondering if you wanted a hanky to wipe away your whiney little tears! (to Belinda) Could you just show us how to leave, so we can be on our merry way?



Belinda: First I want to know how you got here.



Rosa: Well... ya see... it’s complicated...



Miranda: No it’s not. A couple weeks ago, Rosa made me—



Rosa: Persuaded you.



Miranda: Ordered me to do her art project. But I was too smart for her—



Rosa: Too sneaky for me.



Miranda: —so I wrote “Rosa is a cheater” in the picture.



Belinda: And she didn’t see it?



Rosa: She didn’t exactly print it on the front in nice neat letters. She hid it in there using obscure junk like shading and light patterns and blah blah blah. I still don’t know how the teacher saw it...



Miranda: She’s just a little smarter than you.



Rosa: Don’t push it. I can still beat you up.



Belinda: Not here you can’t. Miranda, continue.



Miranda: So anyway, Rosa chased me out of the school and onto the grounds, trying to catch me so she could beat the pulp out of me when I hid in a closet to catch my breath. Except it wasn’t a closet, it was here! Then a minute later, Rosa appeared.



Rosa: I thought she’d hid in the closet, so I checked inside and ended up here. That’s how it happened, except I didn’t want to beat the pulp out of her. Necessarily. I just wanted her to realize why what she’d done was wrong and shouldn’t be repeated!



Miranda: That’s just a nicer way of saying the same thing.



Rosa: It is not!



Miranda: Is too.



Rosa: Is not!



Miranda: Is too!



Rosa: Is n—



Belinda: Guys, guys, break it up. Just agree to disagree, okay? Although I must say Miranda, you don't seem much like a helpless victim to me. Seems like you’d stand up for yourself.



Rosa: Because she's never been a helpless victim!



Belinda: Shush.



Miranda: It's this place! It makes me feel confident for the first time in my life!



Rosa: Yeah, well, boo hoo. (to Belinda) We told you how we got here, so how do we leave?



Belinda: I don't know exactly because I can't use magic. The only person I can think of who is powerful enough is the Queen Miriam of the Mermaids, but she's been kidnapped by the evil Lord Pumperpink. He also kidnapped Queen Helen of the Humans, King Frost of the Fairies, and Prince Cedric of the Centaurs. To get you home, we'll have to break them out. It'll be hard. Pumperpink's castle is a fortress. He has soldiers guarding the doors at all times of the day. His throne room is also guarded, and although I don't know where the royalty are being kept, they will probably be guarded as well.



Rosa: Great. Why don't we break into Alcatraz too while we're at it? Or Fort Knox?



Belinda: What?



Rosa: Never mind. (pause) Are you sure this is the only way you can think of to get us home?



Belinda: Yes.



Rosa: (sighs) Fine. I'll help.



Miranda: So will I.



Belinda: Yipee! Thank you so much. I've tried to break them out myself but I've always failed. Now that I have help I know we'll succeed!



Rosa: Yeah, yeah. (looks at Belinda) Do you do anything other than perky? It’s getting on my nerves.



Belinda: (stops jumping) Oh. (she pauses, then keeps being perky) I set up camp in the woods over yonder. Let's get some rest and figure out what to do. We'll stage the rescue in the morning.



Miranda: OK!



Rosa: Whatever.



(Belinda and Miranda exit SR. Rosa starts to follow them but then turns to the audience.)



Rosa: She set up camp in the woods over yonder. It'll be a miracle if we manage to get anything done if she keeps talking like that.



(Rosa exits SR)





Scene 3

Storming the Castle



(Belinda, Miranda, and Rosa crouching at the bottom of the stage, next to the stairs on SR. There are two soldiers standing CS. Rosa and Miranda are wearing cloaks to cover up their earthly clothes. Soldiers are guarding the entrance to Lord P’s castle. The entrance is the split in the blue curtain.)



Belinda: So are we all clear on what to do?



Rosa: Yes.



Miranda: Yes. I really hope these cloaks work. It wouldn't be good if they saw our clothes.



Rosa (giggling): Yeah, they'd think we were from Mars.



Belinda: Where?



Rosa: Never mind. Again.



Soldier 1: Do you know what Lord P is planning to do with the royalty?



Soldier 2: Well, first he's going to hold out for the ransom. Then I believe he is going to force them to make him the king of all races in Terra. He'll probably keep them around as servants or figureheads after that. At least, that's what I'd do.



Belinda: Well, Pumperpink had better not, or I'll—



Miranda: Shush!



Soldier 2: Did you hear someone?



Miranda: Quick, quick! Rosa, start! Get out there!



Soldier 1: Yes I did! It came from the woods!



(Soldiers move toward the woods. Rosa comes out.)



Rosa: H-Hello.



Soldier 1: Hello to you too!



Soldier 2: Who are you, and what is your business here?



(Rosa walks to SL, away from others. Soldiers follow.)



Rosa: I’m from a far away country. I’ve been traveling because I want to see the world!



(As Rosa and the Soldiers talk, Miranda and Belinda creep toward palace.)



Soldier 1: You must be tired.



Rosa: I am. But I love this area. It has so many trees.



Soldier 1: Yes, it does. They're very beautiful, aren't they? I especially like that old oak, over there... (starts to turn around)



Rosa: No wait! (Soldiers look at her funny) Uh, I mean, um...



(Soldier 2 turns and sees Miranda and Belinda)



Soldier 2: Hey, who are you?



(Soldier 1 turns)



Soldier 1: Stop in the name of Lord Pumperpink!



Rosa: Like that’s gonna happen!



(Belinda and Miranda run for entrance, but Soldier 2 blocks their path. Soldier 1 whistles and Soldiers 3,4 enter SL and SR)



Soldier 2: Take these two to the dungeon! I’ll be right behind you with this one.



(Soldiers 1,3,4 Miranda, and Rosa exit through curtain.)



Belinda: Let me go you brute!



Soldier 2: (chuckles) Like that's going to happen. (looks at Belinda) You look familiar.



Belinda: (turns her head) No I don't.



Soldier 2: Yes you do. I've got it! You're that elf that escaped! You're the Princess Belinda! (grins) Lord P will be very happy to see you. And I think your friends should go to the dungeon until Lord P asks for them. Then don't seem very important. (shakes his head) Except for their clothes. Where are they from, a different planet?



Belinda: Your guess is as good as mine.



(Soldier 2 and Belinda exit through the curtain.)





Scene 3

The Dungeon



(Soldiers 1,3,4 lead Miranda and Rosa in from SL, then Soldiers exit. Prisoners 1,2 are on stage.)



Rosa: Okay, that didn’t go as planned.



Miranda: Where’s Belinda?



Rosa: I don’t know.



Prisoner 1: Did you say Belinda?



Rosa: Yes. And this is a private conversation.



Prisoner 1: Oh, this is bad. This is very, very bad. They’ve caught the princess!



Prisoner 2: You can’t be sure of that. Maybe it’s a different Belinda.



Prisoner 1: Is your Belinda about this tall, long hair, an elf?



Miranda: Yes, that’s her.



Prisoner 1: Oh, this is bad. This is very, very bad.



Rosa: Whaddya mean, “princess”?



Prisoner 2: Princess Belinda was the only royal who wasn’t captured.



Miranda: What? But... how can Belinda be a princess?



Prisoner 2 (slowly, as if she were stupid): Because her father is King Frank, her mother is Queen Uezelia, and she's their daughter so... well... she's the Princess Belinda.



Rosa: There's the clincher. This is a bad fairy tale.



Miranda: She's a PRINCESS! But why wouldn't she tell us?



Rosa: I don't know. I guess we'll have to find her and ask.



Miranda: But how are we going to find her to ask?



(Soldiers 2,3,4 enter SL)



Soldier 2: Which of you just got here? (Miranda and Rosa raise their hands.)



Rosa (to Miranda): I guess you got your answer..



Soldier 2: No talking! Come with us.



(Soldiers 1,3,4, Miranda, and Rosa exit SL)





Scene 4

Lord Pumperpink



(A sign goes across the stage that says “At the same time”.)

(Lord Pumperpink is sitting in his throne with Soldiers 4 and 3 on either side of him. Soldier 1 is by the steps. Soldier 2 leads Belinda in from SL and leads her in front of Pumperpink.)



Soldier 2: I caught this elf attempting to break into the castle m'lord. I believe she is the Princess Belinda, so I brought her here instead of sending her to the dungeon.



Lord P: Good. Was she with anyone?



Soldier 2: Yes m'lord. She was with 2 very strangely dressed humans. They are in the dungeon.



Lord P: Go get them.



Soldier 2: Yes m'lord.



(Soldier 2 motions to Soldiers 3 and 4 and the three of them exit SL)



Lord P (looking at Belinda thoughtfully): Yes... Yes, I do believe that you are the Princess Belinda.



Belinda: You could just ask me who I am, you know.



Lord P: Really! You wouldn't lie?



Belinda: What would be the point?



Lord P: So... who are you?



Belinda: I am Belinda Lightfoot, Princess of the Elves and Joy of the Northern Forests. I am the daughter of King Frank and Queen Uezelia. But most importantly, I am the elf who will bring you down.



Lord P: (applauds) Congratulations on a marvelous speech, however, if you were going to “bring me down” you would have already done so instead of standing here in my throne room as a prisoner.



Belinda: Well...



Lord P: And furthermore— (there is a knock on the door) Come in!



(Soldiers 2, 3, and 4 enter from SL with Miranda and Rosa. Miranda and Rosa go on either side of Belinda.)



Lord P: So... what are your names?



Rosa: Rosa Johnson.



Miranda: Miranda James.



Lord P (to Belinda): See, they can say their names without all the fanfare. It is a skill I wish you would learn.



Rosa: (steps forward) So what is your name?



Lord P: I am the one and only Lord Pumperpink, Scourge of the Royal Families and Soon-To-Be-Ruler of Terra. I have spoken with the greatest minds of our time, and know the secrets of the land. I am of the line of the wisest king of all, and soon, I will become the next of his lineage to become a king.



Belinda: How's that for a short answer, with absolutely no fanfare?



Lord P: Oh, be quiet.



Rosa: (to Lord P) Do you have 6 fingers on your right hand?



Lord P (raises right hand): Do you start all conversations this way?



Rosa: Nope, just with people with names like yours. (turns and winks at Miranda)



Belinda (to Miranda): What the heck is she talking about? (Rosa and Lord P don’t listen to conversation)



Miranda: You had to see the movie to understand.



Belinda: What the heck is a movie?



Miranda: Like Rosa keeps saying: never mind.



Lord P (to Rosa): And what, may I ask, is wrong with my name?



Rosa: You had to see the movie to understand.



Lord P: What the heck is a movie?



Rosa: Like I keep saying: never mind.



Lord P (obviously confused): Okay... well, anyway, I suppose you and, ah, the Lady Miranda are wondering why I sent for you. It’s because I don’t like repeating myself, and since I’m about to reveal my plans to the princess, and you are her friends, I decided you should be here too so you don't get a muddled version from someone else.



Rosa (to Miranda): Great. He has us all captive and now he's going to reveal his plans for total conquest. I think next on the agenda is that we escape, right?



Lord P: Silence! I don't like interruptions either. (Rosa sighs and they both look at him) Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I have received the ransom for the royals. This means that it is time for me to seize their thrones. The average person won't know what I've done. They might suspect it, but they won't know for sure. I will do is use the royals as figureheads. They will announce that while they still wish to hold the throne, they are tired of active ruling and so will turn their power over to—



Belinda: To you? The public would see through that in a second. You kidnapped the royal families!

You—



Lord P: My dear Belinda, do you really think I would be so stupid as to have them surrender their power to me? (Belinda looks like her answer is yes) No, they will surrender their active duty to members of their race who are loyal to me and me only. I will be the true ruler of all, even though it will look like I am nothing but a disgraced lord living in luxury from a ransom. (smiles evilly) And if anyone along the way refuses to cooperate, I have ways of convincing them.



Rosa: Don't worry, Belinda. In fairy tales, the good guys always win.



Soldier 2: Silence! Didn't you hear his lordship? He hates interruptions!



Lord P: No, let them talk. (to Rosa) What are you talking about? What's a fairy tale?



Rosa: Oh come on! You've got to know what a fairy tale is!



Lord P: No, I don't.



Rosa: You know, Cinderella, Snow White, all those people.



Lord P: Now I'm even more confused.



Rosa: Oh come on! A fairy tale is a fantasy story about fairies, dwarfs, elves, ect.



Lord P: But you mentioned Cinderella and Snow White.



Rosa: Yes! And Prince Charming, Repunzal, Sleeping Beauty, and all the others!



Lord P: But you said that fairy tales were fantasy. Cinderella, Snow White, Repunzal, Sleeping Beauty, and Prince Charming were all real people. You can read about them in any history book.



(Rosa’s mouth is hanging open. Belinda nudges her and she closes it.)



Miranda (looking at Rosa): Ah, well, where we come from they’re fake.



Lord P: You must come from a very strange place.



Miranda: This place is stranger.



Lord P: No, its not.



Miranda: Yes, it is.



Lord P: Is not.



Miranda: Is too.



Lord P: Is not.



Miranda: Is—



Belinda: Stop! (to Lord P) If you think you'll get away with this, you're wrong.



Lord P: (laughs) I've already succeeded. The hardest part of my plan was kidnapping the royals, and I've already done that. (to Soldier 1) Take them to an empty room. (smiles at Belinda) Perhaps after the little princess learns to keep a civil tongue in her head and to not criticize my plans she can go in the same room with the rest of the royals.



Soldier 2: Yes m'lord.



(Soldiers 2, 3, and 4 lead Belinda, Miranda, and Rosa off SR)





Scene 5

The Royals



(The stage is divided. The curtain is pulled over to conceal the right half of the stage. On the left side is Belinda, Miranda, and Rosa. Boxes are scattered around. Rosa is pacing, Miranda is sitting and Belinda is searching through the boxes.)



Miranda (to Belinda): What are you looking for?



Belinda: I don't know. Something. Anything. (holds up a giant spider) Anything besides this.



Miranda: Eeeeeeek!



Belinda: Relax, its fake. (drops spider back into box and continues searching through boxes. After a moment, she pulls out a pad of paper and a pen) Yes!



Rosa: (stops pacing) What's the big deal? It's just paper and a pen.



Belinda: But we can use it to write a note to whoever's next to us! They might know how to get out, or where the royal families are!



Rosa: Oh great. The empty room next to us is going to help us escape! (keeps pacing)



Miranda: How do you know the room is empty? There could be fifty people in there for all you know!



Rosa: Because in case you haven't noticed, there isn't any noise coming from there!



Miranda: Of course not! It’s 1 o'clock in the morning!



Rosa: Oh. (sits down next to Miranda)



Belinda (talking while she writes): Hello. This... is... Belinda... Miranda... and.... Rosa. Who... are... you? (tears page off pad and shoves it under divide. In a moment another page is shoved back.) Look! (picks up page and reads aloud) Hello Belinda, Miranda, and Rosa. Belinda, this is Miriam. I am here with the other heads of the royal families. Can you get over here?



Rosa (standing): Let’s find out. (goes to divide) I’m gonna break down the door.



Miranda: (stands) Wait! It might be unlocked. (opens door) Yup, it is.



Rosa: Exactly like in a fairy tale.



(Right curtain is pulled back, revealing SL. SL looks similar to SR, with boxes scattered around. Miriam, Cedric, Helen, and Frost are sitting on the floor. Miranda, Rosa and Belinda enter and sit down)



Belinda: Miranda, Rosa, this is Miriam, Helen, Cedric, and Frost.



Miranda: Hello.



Rosa (staring at Miriam): I thought you were a mermaid. Why do you have legs?



Miranda: Rosa! Don’t be rude!



Miriam: That's alright. I assume Belinda told you that I am an accomplished magic user. I find it troublesome to have a tail on dry land. I always split it into two legs when traveling. (scratches legs) Problem is, they tend to dry out.



Belinda: Anyway, let’s get to the point. Do you know any way we can escape?



Cedric: We wee just talking about that when your note came under the door.



Rosa: You were talking at one o’clock?



Frost: Is that what time it is? You lose track when you don’t have any windows.



Belinda: Anyway! Have you come up with anything?



Cedric: No.



Helen: If we just had something to give us an edge. Weapons, rope, a lockpick...



Rosa: A map of the castle?



Helen: Exactly!



Rosa: Why didn’t you say so before? (pulls paper out of pocket) Here you go.



Miriam: Where did you get this?



Rosa: It was sticking out of one of the soldier’s pockets. I figured it might be useful.



Miranda: You stole it?!?



Rosa: Yeah.



Miranda: But thats... that’s immoral and not right!



Rosa: If you want to stay here you can! Nobody’ll make you use the immoral map!



Frost (looking over Helen’s shoulder): Girls, be quiet. Miriam, come look at this. (points at map)



Miriam: Oh, that’s perfect!



Cedric: What is it?



Helen: There’s an underground tunnel leading outside from the throne room. We can escape and get Pumperpink, all in one stroke!



Belinda: Perfect! But how do we get out of this room?



Miriam: Let’s worry about that later. For now, here’s the plan...





Scene 6

The Escape



(Royals, Miranda, Rosa, and Belinda are crouching below stage. Miriam is wearing Rosa’s cloak. Throne room is on stage. Pumperpink on throne, Soldiers 1,2,3,4 scattered around)



Helen (to Miriam): Do you really think this will work Miriam?



Miriam: Yes, I do, so long as you all stay out of the way.



Cedric: Will do.



Miranda: Personally, I feel like we can do anything after we got out of that room. I still can’t believe they had the key in one of those boxes.



Frost: They probably didn’t even know it was there.



Cedric: Further proof that their security stinks.



Miriam: Shhh! No talking! Lets get this party started.



(Miriam walks up steps and goes to Lord P’s throne. She curtsies.)



Miriam: M'lord.



Lord P: Yes? What is it? I'm a busy man, so please get on with it.



Miriam: Well, I was coming up the road to the castle. I wasn't planning on stopping, I was going to the market, at the next town y'see, but then I saw a strange sight. Let me see now... I believe it was five rather well dressed people. There was one girl, she looked to be an elf. There was also a centaur, a fairy, and two human women.



Lord P: Guards!



Soldier 2: Yes, my lord?



Lord P: Go check on the royals and make sure they are still there!



Soldier 2: Yes, m’lord. (he and the rest of the soldiers exit SL)



Lord P: My dear woman, you will be greatly rewarded for this. What is it that you want? Name anything, short of my throne, and I shall grant it to you.



Miriam: I only want one thing, and that is to let me and my friends go. (begins gesturing with her hands)



Lord P: Wait, what are you doing? Magic?



Miriam: Hocus pocus! (Lord P freezes in place) C'mon everyone! (to Lord P) Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! (He stands up and walks over jerkily.) Let’s go!



(Everyone else comes up the steps they’re hiding behind, then all exit down other steps.)





Scene 7

Back to Earth



(The royals, Rosa, Belinda and Miranda are back in the forest and have set up camp. Helen, Cedric, Frost, and Pumperpink are off to one side.)



Miriam: Now that we have escaped we will each go back to our own kingdoms, where we will announce Pumperpink's treachery. He thought he’d be safe because of our protection, but he won't receive it. He will be arrested and tried.



Belinda: And he will also be convicted. With five royal witnesses, I don't see how he could worm his way out of it.



Rosa: Well, that's all fine and dandy, but Miranda and I still want to go home. Could you send us now? My parents must be freaking out looking for me.



Miranda: Mine too.



Miriam: Of course. Now that I’ve heard your story, I think I know how to get you back. Goodbye, both of you. (waves her hands at them) Abracadabra alakazam! (M and R exit down SR aisle.)







Epilogue

Earth



(M and R enter up SL aisle)



Rosa: We got back!



Miranda: Finally!



(Erin and Miss Baker enter up SR aisle)



Erin: Miranda! (runs over to her) You're okay!



Miss Baker: Rosa! Come here this instant! (Rosa trudges over to her) Young lady, you are in serious trouble. If there is so much as a scratch on Miranda...



Miranda (walks over to Rosa): Rosa didn't hurt me. I'm fine, and I'd prefer it if she didn't get into too much trouble.



Miss Baker: Miranda, I understand that you feel intimidated, and that you're afraid that, if she gets in trouble, Rosa will—



Miranda: I'm not worried about that at all. I just don't want her to get in trouble.



Miss Baker: Oh, well... she has to be punished, you understan—



Rosa: If I do my art project myself, then could you look the other way, just this once?



Miranda: Please?



Miss Baker: Tell you what. I'll give you detention every day until you finish your project. ...And you can work on it in detention.



Rosa: Yippee!!! Thank you so much.



Miss Baker: Yes, well, you’re welcome. Oh, and Rosa, I'm still going to have to send a note home to your parents.



Rosa: Yes Miss Baker. (Rosa and Miss Baker exit SR aisle)



Erin: Miranda, I'm so glad you're okay.



Miranda: Thanks. Say, what's today's date?



Erin: *insert date of play*. What day should it be?



Miranda: Yes! We came back when we left!



Erin: What the heck are you talking about?



Miranda: Oh, nothing.



Erin: Okaaaaaay... So why were you standing up for Rosa?



Miranda: I don't know Erin. Maybe I just made a new friend.