Don't Try This At Home

“Sweetheart, wake up!” Stanley rolled over and gently shook his wife. “Come on, Ethel, it’s time to rise and shine.” Yawning widely, the middle-aged man swung his legs over the side of the bed and placed his bare feet on the carpet. He wiggled his toes at the sensuous feel of the thick, shag material before turning back to his wife. Since she was still dead to the world after the previous night’s partying, he decided to let her sleep a bit longer.

Stanley stood and automatically tugged at the waistband of his pajama bottoms. He had lost quite a bit of weight in the last couple months, and the waistband’s elastic often failed him at the least opportune moments. Much too early in the morning the previous week, he had opened the front door to shoo away a pleasant and well-dressed Avon lady coming to deliver Ethel’s recent purchase.

Gravity took over as he politely, at least for him, asked, “Is there something I can help you with, lady?”

“Well, I never…,” sputtered the shocked woman, trying to keep her eyes away from Stanley’s suddenly exposed body. She managed to get out, “No, you have nothing I want!” She tossed the package in the direction of Ethel’s grinning husband who simply stood there with his pajama bottoms puddled at his feet.

Now, a week after that episode, Stanley remembered Ethel scolding him later on about shamelessly propositioning another woman. Walking into the bathroom, he thought, and not for the first time, If I’m going to proposition a woman, it ain’t going to be no 40-year-old friend of my wife. Giving a quick glance back at the bed and his sleeping wife, he said out loud, “Maybe a couple 20 year olds would be fun.” Removing his pajamas before stepping into the shower, he gave a big sigh, knowing Ethel would always stand in the way of this daydream.

That night, his early morning thoughts about supple and willing, young women were still on his mind. As a well-respected epidemiologist, he had the means, knowledge, and opportunity to put a plan he had thought out during the work day into action with no muss or fuss. Nobody will miss them, was his thought at the time.

“Sweetheart, I’m going to read down here for a bit,” he called upstairs to where Ethel was getting ready for bed. “I’ll be quiet to not wake you up, so just go to sleep.” Not getting an answer, and expecting none, he quickly hurried over to the hall table where he had left his briefcase. He impatiently looked at the grandfather clock ticking away next to the table and muttered, “I’d better give the sleeping powder I put in her evening martini some more time to work.” A satisfied look crossed his face when he opened the case to reveal a small, black box resting on top of a pile of papers. Knowing it was way too early, he regretfully closed the briefcase and returned to impatiently pace back and forth in the living room.

The large clock stuck 12 before Stanley felt enough time had passed for Ethel to fall into a deep sleep. Once again he made his way to the hall and carefully removed the black box from the briefcase. “Soon, my little ones,” he whispered upon hearing the soft, buzzing sound. Stanley quickly walked up the stairs and padded on bare feet across the carpet to his marriage bed. Wanting to extend the feeling of power he held in his hand, Stanley stood there for long minutes looking down at a snoring Ethel.

Her long hair, bleached blonde in a vain attempt to retain her youthful looks, was spread out on the pillowcase. A heavy, lilac-colored comforter had fallen off the bed, so Stanley reached down and placed it over the sheet already covering his deeply sleeping wife up to her double chin.

Unable to wait any longer, his anticipation having reached a fever pitch, he pulled back the comforter and sheet. After raising Ethel’s nightgown, he tossed the content of the box onto her naked belly.

“Oh, yes, yes.” More excited than he thought possible, Stanley moved back to watch from a safer distance. The dozens of mosquitoes he had brought home from his laboratory began crawling all over his wife’s body. Even as they repeatedly stung her, Ethel failed to awaken from her stupor. Her body did twitch now and then, but finally Stanley came closer to use the tweezers he had brought with him to remove the satiated insects. He placed them back into the box and slid the cover back on. Coming downstairs, he threw the bug-filled box into the blazing fireplace.

It took a few days before Ethel succumbed, despite all the attempts of the hospital’s doctors to save her life. It took even longer for the facts of her murder to come out. It seemed that Stanley had infected his wife with a mosquito-borne disease called EEE or eastern equine encephalitis. This deadly virus typically infected horses, but also a handful of people each year.

Since there was currently no vaccine for this illness, Stanley had known Ethel would either die or have permanent brain damage. His plan to acquire those 20-year-old, willing females never came to fruition, though, thanks to one of other epidemiologists in his lab. The woman had figured out what Stanley did once she discovered the infected bugs were missing.

Stanley smiled ruefully at the two city officers as they placed him into their police car. I almost got away with it! He remembered reading the newspaper headlines only seconds before hearing the loud knock on his front door.

MAN KILLS WIFE WITH MOSQUITOES