Lifeless Conception

“Lifeless Conception”

You will never know what it’s like to breathe the morning air;
         To feel the briskness of dawn sting your lungs.
You will never taste the milky nectar of my breast;
         Never feed from the nourishment of my body.
It is not your fault.
It is a choice I make,
         To not bring you into this world,
                    And torture you with my legacy.
You will never clasp your little hand around my finger,
         Or learn to say “mommy.”
You will never take your first steps;
         You never have to run from your pain.
It is a choice I make.
         I shield you from my lack of maternal instincts.
You have never slept inside my womb.
You have only been a thought;
         You are a thought that trembles in the moment, and then quickly fades.
You have never drowned in my fluids;
         You have never been attached to my umbilical cord.
You will never know what it is like to be separated from my flesh.
Your voice will never be heard.
         It will only be a whisper in my head.
You will never learn to cry.
         Be thankful.
Your heart will never be broken.
You will never be disappointed by who your father is;
         Or by whom your mother is, for that matter.
It is a choice I make;
         To never let you develop into a little person,
                   That will grow into a big person with dysfunction.
You will never know the feel of fleece on your face,
         Or know the feel of rain, snow, and heat on your skin.
You will never laugh out loud,
         Or learn to read a book.
You will never send me a Mother’s Day card.
It is a choice I make;
         To live alone;
                   To not bare you just to have you.
So much you will not know,
         So much you will miss and yet so much that you won’t.